Lunch

I don't have lunch cancer! Hooray! But...I do have something. Boo! I will let you know later. I just wanted to jump in quickly to tell you that I am currently cancer free, which is awesome.

Happy 100

So I thought I would keep you posted on the situation revolving around my ever growing hypochondria. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning to discuss the results of my x ray. I really believe that's going to be good news, but I can feel myself already doubting her opinion. Maybe Nicole is right after all, and after the doctor tells me that I don't in fact have cancer, I'll ask her to refer me to a psychiatrist.

On a lighter note, this is my 100th post! Thank you for being there, reading my thoughts and sharing yours. Your support means more to me than you could ever know.

My friend Sarah over at littlebabyfeet has experienced something horrific recently, and I feel the need to share it with you. I really wanted to email that company myself and share my personal opinions on the matter, but being as I have had no personal experience, the next best thing I can do is share with you what happened, so you, along with now several other people, can never buy from www.cookiecrumbles.ca. ENJOY

PS: If you haven't noticed, I figured out how to do the hyperlink thing. COOL.

Hooray For Boobies

I love/hate Blogger's new template design feature crap. I don't know jack shit about graphic design or whatever clicking buttons and choosing colours is, but I managed to make my blog look different. I'm thankful that I didn't have to pick one of the crappy old ones. I'm thankful that when I get bored of this one, I can pick something TOTALLY different. Awesome.

So remember a little while ago I told you about how I went to the doctor because I felt like I was going to cough my lungs out? And they were like, "you have asthma"? And gave me some inhalers? And they didn't work? Remember that???? Well I went and got myself a fancy olde chest x ray last night and............to say the least, I am SCARED. I've been fighting with myself to talk more about this or not, for fear of sounding like a hypochondriac. I am not a hypochondriac, just incredibly blessed to be so self aware. I've been experiencing symptoms for years and trying to blame it on smoking. When I quit smoking and the symptoms subsided, that just added to my theory that it really was just from smoking. But, truth be told, they never completely went away and pretty much the day that I started again, they came back with a vengeance, and brought friends. If you would like to see a list of all my current symptoms <----look here.

So, hoping that you've just finished skimming through that page, you can see that I am terrified of lung cancer. I almost typed lunch cancer just now, which would have been hilarious had I not noticed. After speaking to my doctor, and other people, I am beginning to feel more and more like a crazy person, but I know what I know. I know how I feel, and I know what is happening to my body. I know that if it isn't cancer, its something, and that something needs to get taken care of before it turns into cancer. I hear "you're too young" and "I highly doubt you have cancer" a lot. But by dad was too young too you know. My dad highly doubted he had cancer, and now he has stage 4, Follicular, Non-Hodgkins, incurable lymphoma.

So there.

Art

These last few months have been: weird, abnormal, frustrating, depressing, angry and inspiring. I've been struggling to find myself. And fighting internally with what I want out of life. Nothing, or everything. I'm completely unsatisfied with almost every aspect of my life. BUT, in these most difficult of times in my life, I have been able to find solace in one thing. Art. I'm searching desperately for art and beauty every single day, and with this new journey of discovery, I'm finding myself surprised by such little things, that I had never seen before, hadn't seen in a while, or just ignored. Because my blog has been neglected, I decided that starting today, I would share with you some of the things I find. At least that will motivate me to pay more attention to you. Today's dedication is going to be to music videos. An art form with tiny little treasure's hiding in piles and piles of shit. So, if you have the time, please watch these, and try and see what I see. You won't be unsatisfied. Trust me.

We'll start with Tool. Every video of theirs could easily be called a masterpiece, but here are three of my favourites:

Schism

Parabol/Parabola

Vicarious

Now, of course, Lady Gaga:

Bad Romance

Telephone

Michael Jackson:

Remember The Time

Bad

Kanye West:

Gold Digger

Runaway <---- this one is a good half hour, but incredible

And now the rest:

Destination Calabria - Alex Guadino

Drive - Incubus

Freak On A Leash - Korn

Single Ladies - Beyonce

Nothing Compares To You - Sinead O'Connor

Counting Bodies Like Sheep To The Rhythm Of The War Drum - A Perfect Circle

Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.

The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson

1234 - Feist

Here It Goes Again - OK Go

B.O.B. - Outkast

And before I start getting mad because I forgot a whole bunch, I'm done. Enjoy and please feel free to tell me about your favourite videos because I'm quite sure there's some amazing stuff I haven't seen yet.

It's Been A While

Hey! What's up?! God its been forever eh?

So today, right at this very moment, I actually feel pretty decent. You know, I'm quite privileged to be incredibly self aware. I'm pretty sure I've been suffering from depression. I don't want to diagnose myself, nor do I want to be one of those "depressed" people that actually aren't depressed but rather having a really shitty time at the moment. I was "depressed" once in highschool and after years of misdiagnosis and wrong prescriptions I finally found something that helped me. Effexor and me were a match made in heaven. I stopped taking it when I got pregnant with Hayden and thought that I could live without it....turned out I was wrong. Alcoholism soon became my crutch and after a ton of work and back on the meds...life got better. Then I got pregnant with Alex, stopped taking my meds again and as of right now have been clean of Effexor for almost three years. I've been told that if I don't learn to live without it now, I will have to depend on it for the rest of my life. I don't want to do that. I already depend on cigarettes, sugar and caffeine. Not mention the constant nagging of alcohol. So this new bout of potential depression not only is causing trouble in my life, but scaring the bejesus out of me. So instead of seeing a doctor, I started painting, staying up late watching TV and cutting my hair. I also decided that I am going to try and cut down on my sugar intake.......not working out so well. Thanks a lot Halloween. But the new hair and My Lady have started to make me feel better. I'm still over sleeping, still snappy and have next to no sex drive, but if I can continue along on this narcotic free path to betterness, I know I'm gonna be just fine.

Have You Ever Seen The Rain?

I fucking love CCR. I wish I could leave a good job in the city. Go rollin on a river.

In case you're unaware, there has been some ruckus over in Ontario recently. See, prostitution has always been 100% legal in Canada. What was illegal, was living off the profits of it, advertising for it, and doing it in a public or private place. Therefore, it was virtually impossible to pull it off legally. On September 28th, some shit stirred up and these laws were stuck down, making it safe and awesome to participate in sexual activities for money. Fuck yeah. Now I know there are gonna be a ton of people who disagree with the decision, but part of it is just a lack of education. No matter how you feel, whether it be for moral reasons or religious reasons or whatever, its impossible for you to deny the fact that it is the world's oldest profession and it will never ever ever stop. So you might as well regulate and make it safe for those who choose to do it for their profession. This is the main reason why I'm pro legalizing drugs and prostitution. Safety. Safety for those involved and safety for my children. Legalizing prostitution and regulating it will allow sex workers to screen prospective clients, set their own standards and even call the cops when shit gets bad. Less rape, less homicide on street walkers, less street walkers in general. Sure there'll still be street walkers and kiddie hookers but WAAAAAAAAY less then there are now. In Netherlands they legalized it and street whores went from 100% of the hookin' population to 10%. That's a huge decline. Even crime in general went down. If you don't believe me, go research for yourself, but I can assure, I ain't lyin'.

Even after all that, criminalizing prostitution and drugs is a direct violation of human rights. I should be able to use my own god dang body for however I want. Why should the government have a say in what I do to myself? (after I turn 18 of course....there has to be at least one stipulation). Human rights is something I am very passionate about. I want myself and those I love not to ever feel like their not allowed to do something for themselves. If Hayden wants to be a gay junkie, whoring himself out for money so he can afford his Scientology conferences, LET HIM! I may not approve, but who am I to say he can't once he's an adult, capable of making his own fucking decisions???? No one.

If all goes well, I'll be running a successful brothel this time in 2012. Please feel free to come visit!

♥

"Is that your Coke?" - Dad
"Yes" - Me
*crack* *slurp slurp slurp* "Thanks" - Dad
"Aw Dad its pretty much useless now, you took the first sip" - Me
*slurp slurp slurp* - Dad
"Thanks" *slurp slur....* - Me
"Careful! I have a cold. You might catch it. That, and lymphoma" - Dad
*hack, choke, cough, laugh* - Me

This is where my brother and I have been most blessed to take souly after my father. His sense of humour.

We're playing Catch Phrase. Your group gets divided into two teams and sit in a circle, alternating beside each other. You pass around this little electronic timer with a word on it. You say things to help your team guess the word you see. Its my mom's turn. The word is TUNA FISH.

"Its a water animal! Its my favourite white meat!...." - Mom

My brother and I are sitting next to each other, which is abnormal as we're always on the same team. (we just get each other you know?)

"CASEY!!! CASEY!!!!!" (pillow beside his face) "IT'S DAD!!!!!!!!!!"

*hysterical laughter* - Johnathan and I
*Asthma attack* - Johnathan

I love my family.

Like A G6, Like A G6

You know I've always been one to want to talk endlessly about my problems and seek advice from anyone who's willing to give it. I've been extremely privileged to have loads of people in my life willing to be my shoulder to cry on. I even have certain people for certain subjects....but this one, this ONE thing that I REALLY need to discuss....there is no shoulder. Not even you Blog. I've never had this feeling before where I'm lost and lonely and seeking desperately for someone I can talk to. I can't talk to anyone because the subject is extremely controversial and I will undoubtedly be judged and ridiculed. I can't imagine anyone going through life feeling this way, like there is no one there for them. It sucks! I just want to tell someone what's going on so they can tell me what to do. It could be the "hollywood" fantasy you know. The, "everything will work out, you just need to tell them how you feel" and then everyone's happy in the end fantasy. That will not happen. No one will be happy. Stupid human's and their stupid feelings. Ruin everything.

Everyone keeps dying. Like, people around me are all dropping like flies. I never knew anyone who died until I was like 18. Then people started dying like once a year, a couple times a year and now every other month. Soon its gonna be every other week. Soon I'm going to have to book my holidays around funerals. My work is beginning to think the "funeral" excuse is getting kind of old. My boss yesterday said, "What is with you and people dying all the time?" I don't fucking know. Leave me alone. He died from liver cancer. He was just diagnosed a few months ago. "Casey, don't think about it." Is your dad dying? Is your mother going crazy and seeking attention for her fucking osteoporosis as if its some life threatening disease like CANCER? Are you forced to ignore your dad's ailments whenever she walks in the room? Is your relationship with her a fucking joke? Everytime you're near her is it like a living, breathing, horrible nightmare of lies and false EVERYTHING? No? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP. My once perfect, tight knit, close, loving family is falling apart. The one thing I could always hold on to, and even brag about, is gone. "Yeah my family is super close, we all really love each other, I'm really lucky" Bullshit. Even my sister is distant (in her defense, she's pretty fucking busy all the time). And my brother is an asshole. I don't have anyone left and they ARE STILL ALIVE. At this point I am really jealous of anyone who grew up with a fucked up family. At least it couldn't get any worse. At least you weren't teased with love and respect. At least your mother always hated you, didn't just start randomly because you decided to start thinking for yourself. I'm still a kid you know, I'm still your child, even if I'm 27. I still need my mommy. I still need you to treat me like you treat my kids. I hate bringing my kids to you so you can be excited and hug them genuinely and tell them how proud you are of them while I just sit there wondering where exactly I fucked up so I could fix it and have you love me again.

Okay so that mother rant was really not intentional....oops. No that is not the controversial subject I was talking about. You should know that. I've ranted about her several times. I'm fucking tired as hell.

You....fuck off.

Dear Alcohol,

I am finding it very hard to ignore you these days. With the stress and the unusual amount of drunks in my life, all I want to do is give in to your temptations. I know logically that I shouldn't, but have you heard the phrase, "Follow your heart"? If I try and apply that phrase to this situation, then grabbing a nice cold Boh and guzzling the shit out of it would seem, obviously, like the right thing to do.

I have found myself wondering if maybe getting back together with you wouldn't be that harmful. After all, I am a lot more mature than the last time we hooked up. I'm a lot more self-aware and know my limits with everything else I indulge in. The only thing holding me back from letting you back in my life is my marriage. My husband thinks that you and I don't belong together. I understand where he's coming from but come on...lighten up! At least let me try it out. We can all live happily together, I'm sure of it! We just need to give it a chance. Maybe if I just start seeing you on the side, and bring you in slowly, little by little...... No, that won't work.

Ugh, Alcohol, you know I love you but I gotta be real with myself. It will never happen between us again. I just have to admit that. Maybe you should just not contact me anymore. Then I'll find it easier to let go of you.

Take care.

Casey

Super Babies!

As of this very moment I am freaking out and having a very hard time coming to grips with the fact that my children are growing. In exactly 6 days Hayden will be in Grade 2. I don't like this. Kindergarten was traumatic, Grade 1 was exciting.....GRADE TWO IS HORRIFYING. As I was carrying sleeping Alex from my bed to his today, I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my passed out baby in my arms. I just kinda stood there for a minute staring at the image in the mirror, thinking about the face that before I know it, he is going to be too big for this. Hayden was a baby yesterday and all of a sudden he's an 80 pound giant sleeping on the the top bunk. My mental state is no where near stable enough to handle this emotion of distress. Deciding not to have any more children seems like the worst decision I ever made in my life. I don't want to have no babies anymore. I love babies. I love getting ecstatic over incredibly mediocre things like clapping and peeing in the toilet and "bubekah" (Alex's word for "I love you" and "ice cream"). I love snuggling and carrying my babies around and having sleep on my chest while I watch a movie. I love seeing them cry and hearing, "Mommy, ow".

Maybe its just Hayden scaring me. I keep trying desperately to convince myself that logical, intense, dramatic conversations, emotional maturity of a 40 year old woman, and super intelligence are normal for a 6 year old. Its a very challenging life, being Hayden's parent. I love him to death, am bursting with pride and wouldn't trade him for anyone, but if Alex is anything like his brother, I'm going to have a nervous break down in about 3 years.

Da Da Da De De Da

Sometimes I forget about wonderful things that I am fortunate enough to be able to enjoy, like Billy Joel, or elevators, or my parents' generosity. I never use the elevators at work, basically because its pointless as my office is on the mezzanine or whatever the fuck its called. But its nice to know that I can use the elevators, and go for a mysterious ride into vertical bliss.

♫ Sing us a song you're the piano man ♫

Its not that I'm depressed, or seeking attention, or some other psychological analyzation, but sometimes I wonder what my funeral would look like, or what would be written on the wall of my "RIP Casey" Facebook group. I'm sure you do. I'm sure lots of people want to know who would be sad that they were dead. Which random people you haven't spoken to in years would show up, or which random people in your life were secretly in love with you. I would love to know which people felt like shit for being assholes to me.

♫ Sing us a song tonight ♫
♫ Well we're all in the mood for a melody ♫

Watching my babies grow up is so bittersweet. A new bunk bed and separate playroom may seem awesome, but it just means they're becoming more independent every day, and before my very eyes are graduating and leaving me forever.

♫ And you've got us feelin' alright ♫

Today

Today I watched the series finale of Six Feet Under.

Today I saw a woman clipping her nails on the bus, and it took everything I had not to punch her in the face for being so disgusting.

Today I saw a man that looked like my Opa, and smiled at his grumpy face, thinking about my Opa's smile.

Today I went back to work after a week of strep throat induced holidays, and heard several times how much I was missed.

Today I had only 5 cigarettes.

Today I tucked my boys into their bunk beds, rubbed their backs and played with their hair until they fell asleep.

Today I ate watermelon.

Today I listened to a lot of Led Zeppelin and dreamed of what it would be like to be born in 1945, and grow up in that time.

Today I didn't have any Coke.

Today I looked at houses for sale in Saskatoon, and found some really great ones, and some really shitty ones, and some really expensive ones.

Today I woke up at 9 am.

Today I saw three people that I really, really missed.

Today my husband told me more times than I can remember, that he loved me.

Today I wrote a new entry on my blog.

Today I loved everyone who needed to be loved.

It was a nice day.

10 Reasons

Why Robin's Donuts is better than Tim Horton's

1. Their coffee tastes better. I love coffee, and drink it multiple times a day. I take my coffee straight up black so I know what I am talking about when it comes to the taste and awesomeness of coffee. Tim's may claim that their coffee never stays on more than 20 minutes, and maybe they aren't lying...but EVERY fucking time I go there, I get burned ass disgusting coffee which more times than not, I can't even finish.

2. Their donuts are deliciouser. I am a bit of a donut enthusiast. No matter what the situation is, throw a donut in my face and it will be gone before you can say, "Hey wanna donut?" Robin's bakes and decorates their own donuts, right here, in Saskatoon. They're not shipped frozen from Winnipeg or Edmonton or wherever the fuck. If you're ever up at 4 am make your way to the Confed Robin's and trust me, the honey glazed Robins Eggs will be sitting there waiting for you. All freshly baked and glazed to perfection.

3. They have fucking CHEESE bagels. And they don't skimp on the cream cheese either. When deciding what kind of bagels to offer at Tim Horton's, I would love to know who's bright idea it was to decline to serve cheese bagels. Everyone fucking loves cheese bagels you moron. "No, lets not do the cheese bagels, and do the everything bagels instead. People love everything" Moron.

4. The service in impeccable. You never have to stand in line....because everyone else is too busy showing their "patriotism" by trying desperately to get through to the new, barely English speaking, trainee what their order is. After standing in line, or waiting in drive through, for god knows how long. And then watching 8 different people scramble around behind the counter, all pitching in their 30 seconds to make you your burnt coffee and overpriced, factory produced food. Robin's employees are standing there, waiting for you, welcoming you with their incredible politeness, big smile, and thank yous/have a great days. I love you Weekday Afternoon lady.

5. They have toasted coconut donuts. Enough said.

6. They have FOUNTAIN peach juice. Just like bible camp.

7. They DO NOT have their name on EVERY FUCKING THING INSIDE THAT STORE! Tim Horton's toilet paper? Like really.

8. They're Iced Capps are simple, and delicious. Would you like Vanilla or Mocha? Both are very tasty and creamy and super fantastic!

9. They like my kids. Those with kids, know what I'm talking about. Those without, be nice to parents and pay attention to their kids. Don't ignore them, and worst of all, NEVER sneer at my children or I will kick your fucking ass.

10. They are the underdog. Always root for the underdog. 9 times out 10, the underdog is the one that deserves to win. Not a monopolizing, bias franchise, set to take over the world with their brand name, labels, marketing schemes (Tim Horton's = Canada) and toilet paper.

Dreams Really Do Come True

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dream of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dream of
Dreams really do come true

Someday I wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And the dreams that you dare to
Oh why oh why can't I

Well I see trees of green and red roses too
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and
I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow
So pretty in the sky
and also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands saying
How do you do
They're really saying I, I love you

I hear babies cry and I watch them grow
They'll learn much more then we'll know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
world...

Someday I wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top
That's where you'll find me

Oh somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dare to
Why oh why can't I...

Since 1997, Bittersweet Symphony has been my favourite song, and I never ever even thought it would change. Lately, my view on life has taken a more positive direction, trying to be all about love. Yes I complain a lot, but in general, I love life. Bittersweet Symphony is a little to melancholy and even though I will always love it....Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole' is my favourite song now, and hopefully forever.

Proudly Wasting Money

These are the new loves of my life. They're called Gia Branch Sconces from PartyLite, and they look beautiful on my wall. Beside the world map, homemade speakers and Wal-Mart photos of x-ray flowers.

I'm so busy lately. Opa's stuff, sick kids, sick parents, work, friends, love, etc etc etc. Being so close to my family has its cons, like having to be there for every little thing, and having to help with every clean up day. My hours at work blow so much. I hate them. 1:30 to 9pm Monday to Friday. I leave the house at noon, drop off Alex, come back home, take the bus to work and Landon picks me up at 9. Before noon I'm trying to get a nap in, clean SOMETHING, shower maybe, tend to Alex's every cry, eat and make a lunch for work. If I'm lucky, I get 10 minutes to have a smoke before I'm out the door. After 9 its hustle and bustle to get the kids in bed, eat a snack, shower if I missed it earlier, and get some cuddle time in before his website or fatigue takes over. I miss being a stay at home mom. I miss not missing things from Hayden's school. I miss knowing what the fuck was going on. I wish I could afford to stay at home, in a nice house with a nice camper and a new patio set. I wish I could be the mom I want to be. And do crafts and play with the kids all the time. Society blows. But at least I have my sconces.

Time For A Story

I have had the most emotional rollercoaster of a trimester recently (no I'm not pregnant, I just couldn't think of any other way to make "three months" one word). Stress beyond stress, and surely, soon, I will explode. Today I learned of something that will surely end up being my point of rupture. I really and truly, know myself well enough, to know that I should not, under any circumstances, be left alone for more than 2 minutes at a time. I will end up hurting someone, or something, that really doesn't deserve it. I have to be extremely careful about what I am saying, so I don't cause more problems that there already are, so sorry if I am being extremely vague.

I was driving down the freeway, going as fast as I comfortably could, with my Jambi as loud as it would go without destroying my factory speakers, trying to force myself to focus on things like driving, red lights, hidden police, and sweet sweet tunes. I fortunately made it home safe and sound, and I started to think, "am I ever going to have some time to properly deal with the stress that has been slowly engulfing my life? What is going to happen to me if I continue to ignore these things and live as if everyday is a fresh start? Am I going to end up as crazy as my mother? Yes." So I need a vacation. I need someone else's home, for three days. I can't be alone, like I mentioned earlier, but I cannot be here, anymore. With you, and you, and everyone else that I see every single goddamn day. I cannot hear, "Dear please do this, Dear please do that, Mommy can I do this, Mommy can I do that, Casey-Lynn I need your help, Casey-Lynn I need your support....." for one more day, without holding my breath, pretending that I am fine, when really my soul is screaming and weeping and breaking inside of me. I just want to fall, from a really high place, for hours, feeling as free as can possibly be. I just want to run away and never come back to the disaster that is my life. I love you, and I would die for you, but I cannot be a rock for you anymore.

I went to the doctor, because I knew there was something wrong with me.
"What can I do for you today?"
"I would like you to check me for lung cancer"
"Okay.....why do you think you have lung cancer?"
"Because I cough 24/7, I never feel like I have enough air, I am constantly wheezing, I get horrible back spasms and head aches and chest pains and my air ways feel clogged and I am always out of breath. And I cannot sit here thinking that it isn't going to happen to me, because it can, and it probably will"
"You're absolutely right, it can happen to you, its in your family"
"So check me, now"
"I will send you for a chest x-ray, and I will take a look at you right now. Hmmm yes, very wheezy, definitely something wrong here.......................
I think you have Asthma, here are some inhalers. Try them out. In the meantime, make sure you get that x-ray"
"Fantastic."

At least I don't have C.O.P.D. At least with cigarette-induced-asthma, I can quit smoking and everything will get better. Can I quit smoking though? No, probably not. I haven't gone for that x-ray, and I most likely won't, because the inhalers are not working.

I Am Aware, Thank You

Well, it has been some time. Thanks the unreliable technology that is a PC, I haven't been able to write recently. This is unfortunate because I REALLY had some things that I needed to get off my chest, but right now, I am not in a state of mind to think back, and put myself in that situation again, and if I try, my writing will suck. So, I am going to let my fingers whisk away at the keyboard and hope something substantial comes out.

First off, before we get started, I love you. I love you more than you could possibly imagine. Thank you for being in my life.

Alright, so my 27th birthday has come and gone. My 1st wedding anniversary has come and gone. I planned to write something amazing and loving and beautiful about my husband on May 13th but things were just not working out as planned...so, next year. My birthday was incredible. I received so much love, and so much unexpected kindness from everyone that it was hard for me to be in a bad mood. My anniversary was nice. Not perfect, as my babysitter decided to cancel at the last second, forcing Landon and I to scramble to find someone....luckily my sister watched my babes for a few hours so we could cruise around in a Camaro and eat delicious Italian cuisine. (Belissimo people, amazing) Thank you eternally Beedy.

As you know, my dear, beloved Opa passed away recently and for some reason, I cannot seem to get over it. It is on my mind almost every second of the day, the fact that I will never again see him. We went to his house this last weekend, to start cleaning it out, and I was so incredibly fortunate, to be able to go through his clothes and end up finding the last pair of pants he ever wore. Stuffed in the pockets were an inhaler, a hanky, and some monies, complete with money clip. When I called my mom from the kitchen, to ask her what to do with this, she came, saw the clip, and started crying for the umpteenth time in 3 and a half weeks. It is difficult for me to comprehend fully, what she is going through. In order to do so, I would have to put myself in her shoes, and I can't mentally handle that. No matter how old he was, he was still her Daddy. She has no one left now. No Daddy, no Mommy, no twin Sister. If I was her right now, I would not be alive.

Time for a separate post.

Good Times

WELL. Its been one year since I started my masterpiece of a blog. Well, one year and a couple days. Honestly, I don't know how I got along without it before. So much shit has happened this last year, that I am more than grateful to have my rantings and ravings out on the internet for the rest of eternity, for me look back on some day.

Since the recent passing of my beloved Opa, I have not been myself. I am definitely not, and will never be, the person I was before he died. A lot of emotions are plaguing me lately, but the worst one, is the feeling of guilt, or something similar, because I never truly realized how important he was to me, and I will never be able to make sure that he knows that. I miss him like crazy and the mix of surreal and real is fucking me up big time.

I had much needed reconnection with one of my best friends last night. It was fantastic. We hadn't spoken to each other in over a year, for reasons that I don't feel are necessary to explain right now. She is due to have her first baby in 6 weeks, so the timing for us to re-establish our relationship could not have been more perfect.

That's all I can do for now. Remember, I love you

You Fucker

I have decided that it is time to write something. I haven't been talking much lately and therefore haven't expressed myself and the need to do so is starting to overwhelm my every thought. Nicole lately has been my rock and my source of everything I need. I know that I have very wonderful, very perfect others in my life, but Nicole has something that I can't quite explain. Maybe time, maybe listening skills, maybe just the right words, maybe the jokes, maybe the hugs and the I love yous. I get those from others but Nicole has it all, every day. Thank you. I love you more than you could ever understand.

Today I am heartbroken and depressed. I am missing a part of myself that I believe I will never get back. Everyone keeps saying that he's up in Heaven, dancing away with his dead daughters and wife, and that I should be happy for him. Well I am not happy and I will not be. Its not that I refuse to be, its that I can't be. I've tried, but it doesn't work. I'm selfish and I'm pissed off and I just want him to come back. I don't want to hear things typically said to someone experiencing grief. I want you to say, "this fucking blows!" Because it does fucking blow. I was not ready for him to leave.

I've written about this before, not on here, but somewhere else I can't remember....preparation for death. Growing up with someone who constantly danced inches away from the Grim Reaper, taught me to always prepare for the worst, so I was never surprised. I've imagined scenarios of when my loved ones pass, how I will react, how I will feel, how others will feel, what I will say, what I will write about in their eulogy... Every last detail so that I will not be surprised, so I will not have to feel how I feel today. I did not prepare for this one. Yes he was 80, yes he lived a fantastic life, yes he did everything he wanted to and then some, and yes he was sicker than hell and medically probably shouldn't have even lasted this long but I was convinced that it was not his time. I am still convinced that it was not his time. I love my Opa and he meant a lot to me. For him to be ripped from my life in an instant has brought to a mental state that I've never experienced, and I'm really not sure if I will ever be back to myself. When he left, he took a part of me, and I will never get that back. When my Auntie died, it hurt, but I was prepared. I was ready. She didn't take as big of a piece of my heart as my Opa did. My Opa had a relationship with me like no one else. He was a very respectable man and everyone around him knew that. I was the only one who could get away with treating him like I did, because he knew it was out of love. I was very proud, and liked to show it off often, how I could make fun of him, and my mother's mouth would drop, and my Opa's eyes would twinkle. He never once looked at me without a smile. He never once went a conversation without telling me he loved me. He never once made me feel like I was any less important than his own daughters. He was the greatest grandfather I could ever has asked for and NOW HE IS GONE! I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN! I WILL NEVER HAVE HIM BACK. I WILL NEVER HEAR HIM SAY I LOVE YOU TOO DEAR IN HIS GERMAN ACCENT AND I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE ABLE TO HUG HIM AGAIN! I don't want to stop crying and I don't want to ever forget him.

I hope everyone I know dies before me so the people I love will never have to feel this pain.

I love you

fuck you

Hello And Welcome To McAfee Sales Support. Please Let Me Review What You Have Entered.

Hi! How are you? Busy I assume. It seems everyone has been busy lately. Spring time makes people crazy. Children are sick, people are cleaning, parents are covered in shit and vomit and everyone's stressed to the max. I am no exception. My baby Hayden was only sick for a day THANK GOODNESS! but my baby Alex was throwing up and diarreahing multiple times a day for 6 days straight. No fever, no cough, great attitude, just some rank stomach virus that would not leave. One Saturday night after Alex fell asleep, Landon and I danced and cheered for the first upchuck free day in a week.

I knew that this feeling would come eventually. I dreaded it when I started working again. I miss my kids. Mostly Hayden. I see him for maybe an hour a day if I'm lucky. At least when I was working 5-9 I could watch him play at recess and technically "see" him more than I do now. I work 1:30 - 9:30 now but I'm usually napping during Hayden's first recess, and leaving the house just before his lunch recess. I fucking hate it. I miss him so much. I hate being this mom. I hate how it doesn't even seem worth my while because I'm only making $4 more an hour than I'm paying for daycare. Not to mention the gas and the fucking parking. Why exactly do I have to pay for parking downtown??? Can I write it off on my taxes because the only fucking reason I'm downtown is for work. Why doesn't Boardwalk want me? Why don't I have more ambition to get a better job? Because I actually like MarketLinc. I love the people (except one) and I love my job. But I don't make enough money, and I don't work the right hours. I want to be home when Hayden comes home from school. I want to have dinner ready when Landon gets home from work. I want to live in a house with a yard and a dog. Usually if I'm stressed because of the employment issues, I can counter it with "it'll all get better soon" but I really don't think that's true. I can't wait for daytime forever. I can't even have daytime until my results are better than the other rep on the list and that's never gonna happen. My results should be fantastic but there are too many factors I'm letting affect my job that my results suck fucking ass. Its no one's fault but my own and I wish my bosses would look past that and see that I deserve it, and that I need it. I mentioned earlier that I was offered a promotion and took it but since then, nothing has happened. No training, no title, no pay increase. I'm excited for what seems to be nothing. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want what I deserve and I want it now.

I'm going horseback riding with my sister in law today (whom I love more than life itself) and hopefully that should ease my stressful mind for a few hours until I come home and Landon tells me we have no money and the house needs to be cleaned. Just like every other time we're together. That's all everything is between us lately, and I'm being made to believe its all my fault, which I don't doubt, but that feeling just adds to all this other negativity and it sucks fucking ass.

I love my kids, and I love my husband, and I miss them crazy. I hope this stops soon because I really need a normal fucking week!

I Don't Want To Quit Smoking

KAY so I'm a terrible blogger. I don't care. I do care. I'm sorry. I really want to watch True Blood and I really want to listen to an audio book read by Michael C Hall. Any book. I keep having these really fucked up dreams where I marry my sister in law who looks like Candace Janzen or I hang out with John Cusack or I just run and run and run and run and run and don't stop fucking running. I have my licence and I drive myself to work and back and I HATE it. I hate being alone. I never see Landon anymore. I went to Wal-Mart today and spent $60 fucking dollars on EASTER SHIT. CANDY CANDY CANDY CANDY. The hotter and windier it gets the more terrified I become. I'm obsessed with Vampire Weekend. I don't make enough money so I applied at Boardwalk. Something I need my license to do. Something I've been dreaming of doing since I first rented from Boardwalk. They haven't called me back. MarketLinc offered me a promotion. I took it. I still don't make enough money. I don't see my parents enough. I don't see my brother enough. I don't see April-Lee enough. I see Betty enough, but she disappoints me so much. I don't spend enough whole family time with Landon and the kids. I wonder what it would be like to hear nothing. To hear real silence. Not a heart beat, not a breath, not an inner gut sound. Not an anything. I wonder what it would be like to have an empty mind. I wonder if fish in fish tanks are happy. I want to eat more naturally. I want to cook more. I want to go to school. I want to be a chef. I want learn to paint. I want to learn to knit. Learn to play the piano. Learn to take apart a car engine and put it all back together again. I would love to sleep for days. To just lay there and imagine life. Live exactly how I would want to. Be stress free.

As I was leaving my apartment the other day I walked by the mailboxes and there was a sticker from the Canada Post for a parcel....for a Ms D Toussaint. I stared at it for what seemed like an eternity.

BOOURNS

What's worse than knowing your Dad has cancer? Not knowing if its the cancer that will kill him, or the chemo.

March 27th 2010

I decided to take a break from my blog for a while, so that's where I've been for almost two weeks. Sorry I just decided to fuck off not tell you. I love you and I shouldn't have just ignored you like that.

Well, I had another funeral to go to since we last talked. A close friend of the family. Also, a friend of mine lost her boyfriend unexpectedly on St. Patrick's Day. That was sad.

I booked my road test, took my road test, and passed my road test. I have been renewing my learner's every year religiously for the last 11 years. Never had a road test. Never driven alone. Yesterday I drove alone for the first time. I talked to myself a lot. "The music is pretty loud, let's turn it down." "I think that driver in front of us is drunk" "Hahahaha look at that guys beside us picking his nose!". I did this several times the whole way home. Today I drove the kids to daycare and I really REALLY didn't want to let them go, because then I would be alone. Other than the loneliness, having my license is a dream come true. I could leave RIGHT NOW and go wherever the hell I wanted. Awesome.

I applied for a job at Boardwalk Rental Communities. Full time days at a decent wage.

We bought a van. Now we have two vehicles. I feel like a typical Canadian family, aside from the house....which will come soon.

We bought a monitor for our computer. For the last while, we have been using our TV as our monitor. Our TV is 42'' wide, and on the wall across the living room. We had a monitor but Landon prefers to have everything far too big than it needs to be and I really didn't want a giant fucking box sitting on this beautiful desk. I can now watch TV and go on the PC at the same time. I can play Call of Duty while Landon play Command and Conquer.

Well, take care.

I Hate Summer

Oh, and welcome new followers Searchlights And IceBeams and Mister Mo. I hope you find as much entertainment here as I find on your sites.

Summer is my most hated of seasons. Casey you're a crazy person. Yes, thank you.

1. Arachnids. I enjoy the occasional jumping spider or tarantula, but I HATE black spiders, wolf spiders, house spiders, and every other spider. I also despise ticks. Last year was my first time ever experiencing a tick on my body and I will never until the day I die forget what that felt like. Thank the Bob Saget that it didn't manage to imbed its tiny head into my skin. For almost a week after that incident, every little thing I felt on my body, be it a hair, a fluff or an itch, I cringed with fear. I made Landon check my body and the bed several times before going to sleep and I showered excessively. Every little dark thing I see move across the floor or hang in midair I immediately assume is a spider and I want to squish the bejesus out of it. Its almost always an ash or a little ball of hair that I have shed at some point earlier in the day but it could have been a spider, and I want to make sure its dead.

2. Tornadoes. Every windy cloudy day sends me in a spiral of uncontrollable anxiety. I am terrified of tornadoes. Last summer I actually did pretty well. I did not have my tv on The Weather Network all day long and I did not spend way too much time staring at the purple clouds. I was out at my parents' house one day last summer though, when the tornado was on its way, and I remember freaking out and sitting on the window sill and my dad telling me to calm the fuck down and stop fear mongering my kids. The summer before that, I made Landon come home from wherever he was and pick me and Hayden up (I was pregnant with Alex at the time) and take us out of town away from the tornado until it blew over. It pouring and hailing and you couldn't see a damn thing and I'm pretty sure our car has a billion scratches on it from the falling branches but I did not care. All I could think about was how badly I needed to get the hell away from the wrath of Global Warming.

3. Gordie Howe Bowl. I am quite privileged to live in an incredible city full of culture and life and sporting events and team spirit but I hate when it invades the comfort of my home. I live almost next door to the Gordie Howe Bowl and I hear endless tings from the aluminum bats and hoots and hollars from the teenagers and over enthusiastic parents and the really loud announcers and second long clips of songs that I can never get out of my head after that THANK YOU. I do like the marching bands though.

4. Camping. I effing love camping and fishing and canoeing and everything like that....except the ticks....but every year, there is NEVER enough time or resources to go camping for more than one weekend.

5. Sexy Ladies. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a sexy lady every once in a while, but I most certainly do not enjoy the pressure of wanting to be one of those sexy ladies, nor do I enjoy seeing the not so sexy ladies dressing up in their bikinis and heading to Bare Ass Beach, or just wearing their booty shorts to better show off their muffin tops. I really don't like teenage girls who think they're too cool for school showing off their goods to every one. I don't like the drunk half nakeds wandering the streets, peeing in my parking lot, playing at the park beside my apartment and making out under the starts while I watch the creepers who live near me waiting for you two to get it on.

6. And Of Course, The Heat. I do not like hot weather. My ideal vacation would NOT be a tropical paradise with ocean view and suntanning. My ideal vacation would the Ice Hotel in Sweden. I don't like my skin sticking together. I don't like not being able to breath. I don't like my face and other exposed parts being burnt by the sun. I don't like the lake water being too cold to swim in, or too disgusting because it got too hot too fast and now there is algae. I don't like heatstroke which I get every year. I don't like not moving for fear of sweating all my energy away.

I don't like summer.

OH MY GOD!

Oh my god oh my god oh my god!!!!! I finally set up Google Analytics for my blog. Yes I know Amanda I was waiting for you to teach me but I was bored one day and figured it out. So...I am still learning but I just checked the Map Overlay or whatever for the past month and guess what I learned.............I had one visitor from DENMARK!!!!! Denmark! Oh my god that's amazing. I love Denmark so much, and to have a visitor from there is pretty fucking awesome. I also had 4 visitors from Russia and one from the States. I don't know how accurate this is but I am going to trust it enough to be excited. FUCK YES I love Denmark. Welcome people of Earth who aren't from Canada (33 visitors). As I am typing this blog, I am looking more at this Map. Moscow, Copenhagen, Esterhazy, Maine, and someone from Edmonton spent 30 minutes on here! I feel famous. Oh and more than once now, someone has found my blog by typing "Misiwich" into Google. Hilarious. I don't know what the heck a bounce rate is, or much other stuff on these analytics, but I do know that I am pumped.

Where The Eff Is My Mouse??

So, I lost my mouse. Because I decided one day, that a wireless keyboard and mouse would be awesome, I am now paying for my mistake by tabbing my way through the internet. It's really frustrating because the tab always takes a hundred button mashes before going exactly where I want it to go! I know I could have waited until the mouse was found before writing a blog, but I really needed to write about something, and the shitty part is, now that I'm finally here, type type typing away, I can't remember what it is that I wanted to write about! So let's talk about Canada. We won 14 gold medals. Yeah so the USA beat everyone in collected medals all around, but beat everyone in collected gold medals, so that means we're the best. I'll admit, I didn't watch the Olympics as much as I would have liked this year, but when I did watch, I cried. The hockey game was beautiful. Both teams were fantastic and I'm really glad they didn't do a shootout because I don't really think those are fair, especially to the poor goalie. And after the game, CTV thought it would be a good idea to show Canadians what defeated Americans look like in front of the whole world. Awesome. I did start to feel bad for them, seeing them on the verge of tears and that goalie feeling like the worst shit he'd ever felt like, but then I remembered that I hate the States, and so I felt better. We broke the record for most gold medals by one country, and broke the record for most medals from a host country. I watched montage after montage and listened to O Canada a hundred times and cried tears of pride and patriotism. I was so happy, until Nickelback came along, and Avril Lavigne, then Simple Plan....and Hedley. What the fuck? Neil Young, Alanis Morissette, Marie Mai and then that?? It was hard to keep my Canadian head up high while watching the rest of the world go, "Uhhh, k?" I was telling Landon, that that is the closest anyone will ever be to partying with the world. We probably didn't need to send as many athletes as we did, and we probably didn't need to spend as much money as we did, but it was awesome. Partying with the world, and Simple Plan.

Say Crack Again

I found my high school art teacher's blog. Its entertaining that's for sure. Full of so much randomness though. Sometimes it has song lyrics, sometimes, short stories, and sometimes useless ramblings. Its weird because my teachers always had some sense of anonymity and I feel like I'm invading a part of him that he doesn't want anyone else to see. Aeh well. He shouldn't have a public blog then. I also learned of www.searchlightsandicebeams.worpress.com. You know I don't really do reviews, but this blog is incredible. There are four different authors (all male...maybe they should consider adding some estrogen) who are incredibly brilliant and incredibly creative. This is my favourite internet literature I have found to date. I highly HIGHLY recommend you take a look.

My Grandpa's funeral was very nice. Very emotional and sad, but nice. They had the Legion guys come and do their salute, and play that Rememberance Day music that always send chills down my spine. Like 8 little old men and 2 little old women shuffling up to my Grandpa's urn, standing as straight as they could, giving the only poppy they had on their overly decorated jackets to Gramps, and then shuffling back to their pew. It was beautiful.

The burial was extremely difficult. My Grandpa was cremated (because it's cheaper...silly old man) but his urn was placed in the earth beside my Grandma. My Grandma died when I was 4 from Leukemia. I didn't know her well, but from what I remember, she was an awesome lady. My dad and his sister, and their children, all stood their watching the little wooden boxed being dropped into the little square hole. The last time I saw my Grandpa was several years ago. Throughout the whole day, all I felt was guilt. I loved him, and I didn't know him as well as I should've. After my Grandpa's ashes were laid to rest, and the small crowd had dispersed somewhat, my dad came up to my brother, sister, and I, and seeing the utter sorrow in his face, I started to wonder how he felt, to lose his Mommy, and now his Daddy. He had no parents left. I started to think about how I was going to feel when I lost my Daddy. Then my dad said, "Its hard. Its hard to say goodbye. Its hard to say goodbye to your dad for the last time." I fucking lost it. I don't want to say goodbye to my dad for the last time. I don't want to. Its going to hurt. I don't want to never see him again. I don't want to never hug the only person I can hug with my face buried in their chest ever again. I don't want my Daddy to die. Right before we left for Martensville, and the whole family was together in my parents' kitchen, I commented on how the chemo was not making my dad lose his hair, even though the doctors said it most certainly would. My dad, very nonchalantly, said, "The stuff in the chemo that makes you lose your hair, ruined my heart instead" K what??? Why are you saying that horrible news so calmly? Why have you not mentioned this before? Why are you saying it so that only I, and by chance, Johnathan, hear you? Why are you telling me this RIGHT before we're leaving for your Dad's funeral? So that we can't talk about it? Dad, why the fuck do you have to do that all the time? Act like its no big deal? It IS a big deal! Did ten years just turn into ten months? Is this heart thing one of those deadly side affects of the chemo that you talked about in the beginning? Why is your Lymphoma such a taboo subject? Is it mom? Is she making you feel guilty for getting sick? Because she's making me feel guilty for caring that you're sick, so I can see her doing it to you too. Well its not fair dammit. I want to know! I want to know if I have less time with you than I originally thought.

My life as of this day, is the worst its ever been. It does seem to be getting easier though. Certainly not better. Maybe I just lost a lot of myself through this giant rough patch. I don't really feel a lot anymore. Not much more than pain and anger and hate anyway. Sometimes I imagine myself coming into money somehow, and just fucking off for a week, all by myself. The only reason I don't actively pursue this fantasy, is because I fear that after the week is up, I won't come back.

Michigan

So Landon is in Michigan. Sue Saint Marie or Sault Saint Marie or whatever the fuck. Yes there's one in Michigan AND Ontario. He's on a business trip with Cooper Tires, testing out a TOP SECRET new winter tire. He gets to ride around with a professional driver on an ice rink and then take it for a spin himself. Then when he's done "working", he gets to go on a snowmobile excursion through a winter wonderland. All this while, staying in casino hotel with a King Size Bed all to himself, eating from buffets with 12 different kinds of cheese, 6 different kinds of lettuce and 8 different kinds of lobster. Smoking his $6/pack Marlboro's, drinking his free alcohol, flying on his private jets, smoking his cigars and laughing at sexist jokes with the other business men. I've never been more jealous of him.

I am only half myself when Landon isn't around. He and I are halves of one unit and I feel completely useless without him. If anything were to happen to him during this time, I would lose everything I have left of myself. Yes I have two children who mean more to me than anyone else, including Landon, but I really and truly could not live without my soul's best friend. I will fight anyone who claims that they have a better connection with their partner. Landon and I were born to one day find each other, have two children out of wedlock and live happily ever after. He is my eternal everything and my soul would die a long, painful, horrible death if I were to ever lose him.

So as you already know, I cheated on My Vegetarian Adventure last night and ate a deliciously over well done steak at a karaoke bar last night. This morning I woke up with full intentions to forget the sweet taste of animal and continue with my journey but Landon's mom brought me turkey soup, and I was hungry. Then I ordered pizza, with beautifully thinly sliced cooked just right pig shavings. I think I'm going to take a break. I need some time to relax and I'm fucking sick of salad.

It's A Steak Night TONIGHT!

So before I went veggie, I bought some tickets to a steak night for work. I LOVE steak. Love love love. From the day I started to the second that steak was put in front of my face, I struggled with the option of trading my steak for extra potatoes, or just eating it. I mean, I've been vegetarian for one week. That was my goal when I started this. One week, see how I feel, and then continue, or go back to the gold old days. I ate that steak like it was the last piece of cow I would ever see. It was fucking amazing. I don't know if it was the fact that I haven't eaten any animal flesh in the last week or not, but it was incredible. To be honest, I believe it was medium well (and I eat my steak rare) and small, and thin, but it was soooooooo delicious. This last week has been completely unsatisfying no matter what I've eaten. I could eat just cheese all day and it still wouldn't fill me up right. I'm gonna keep on this thing, because it has made me feel great, and, I've suffered an insurmountable amount of stress lately and being vegetarian was the only thing that I felt I could control at the time.

It was one thing after another. Betty "missing", then Grandpa dying, then Betty MISSING. Not to mention the normal daily stresses. I really want to talk about how my heart has been broken worse than it has ever before, but the story will be missing a lot of pieces to spare my sister's privacy, so forgive me. Betty decided to go on a trip to see Danny's family in Strathmore, Alberta. She didn't tell anyone because she was only planning to be gone two days. A few unexpected tragedies occurred and they ended up staying longer. Betty didn't bring her phone, and by the time word got back to us of where they were, Betty and Danny were on their way home. Betty didn't bring her cell phone and she didn't touch a computer until she got home. Within a couple hours of her being home a fight ensued between her and the rest of my family, and she ended up staying with Danny for what seemed was going to be eternity. We had finally given her an ultimatum to either leave Danny and come home, or lose us completely. She had chosen the latter.

The last time I talked to her, it seems that she is seriously thinking about what is best for her. I love her madly and I would be more than happy to give her and Danny my blessing and see them live happily ever after, but right now, they both need some real help. I haven't talked to her in a couple days, but mostly because I'm afraid to.

Landon leaves for Detroit in 2 hours and 10 minutes. He is going to be gone until Tuesday night. That means I have a funeral to go to without him. I am only going to be half myself the whole time Landon is gone. I'm usually very strong in times like this, but I'm afraid that I am going to break down on Tuesday. I won't have my kids to keep me strong, and I'll have to watch my mother and father cry. One small thing will break the seal and the waterworks will pour like Angel Falls.

I don't have anything else to say right now.

Its The Unknown That Will Eventually Kill Me

My wonderful brother and his wonderful girlfriend took me grocery shopping yesterday. It was really really nice of them because I shop in a particular way that to someone else would probably be extremely annoying. Thank you for your patience Loves. Here is a list of some of the things I bought:
red onions
yellow onions
green onions
garlic
leeks
mixed beans (for soup)
mixed beans (canned, for eating)
mixed nuts
lentils
extra old cheddar
mozzarella
feta
lemons
sea salt (whole, so I can grind it myself)
celery
strawberries
spinach
spring mix (complete with swiss chard)
spinach
vegetable broth
carrots
green peppers
mushrooms

This is the start of my vegetarian diet. I'm going to making a lot of soups, and salads. I already have lots of rice and pasta in the house but much MUCH less meat. Yesterday for supper I made hamburger helper and greek salad. MmmmmmMmmm good. Yesterday my first full day as a veggie. I honestly already feel pretty good. Much more energy than I'm used to. Today I have only had breakfast (Fruit Loops with fresh strawberries and bananas) and am going to have a delicious toasted cheese bagel after I'm done writing this. I'm really proud of myself and looking forward to inspiring my family to eat better. Landon thinks I'm crazy but I know he'll eat healthier because of what I'm doing for myself.

My grandpa passed away yesterday. He turned 89 on Saturday and has been really sick the last few months, so it wasn't a surprise. Even though it was expected, it still really sucks. I love my grandpa, and have fond memories of him growing up. The last time I had seen him was a few years ago I think. He hadn't met my youngest son, and it wasn't because he didn't want to. He lived in North Battleford and because of his health, it wasn't easy for him to travel. I could have easily driven my family up there but for fear of it being awkward, I never did. With his passing I am feeling a lot of guilt for not seeing him often enough and not making sure he knew how I felt about him. My dad is in North Battleford right now and I haven't spoken with him since this happened. I really hope he is okay. I can imagine he is feeling a lot of guilt as well. My dad's side is a small family, and don't get together as often as they should. He has one sister, Auntie Sandra, who has two children, Christine and Timothy. I really do love them. I've always felt bad being so much closer to my Opa than my Grandpa, but I've always thought that he knew I still loved him. The funeral is tentatively set for next Tuesday, while Landon is in Detroit. Little fact of the day, I am named after my Grandpa. Aimee, my middle name, is his first name. It means "love" in French. If I have a daughter someday, I will name her Aimee.

My sister is missing. The last time anyone spoke to her was Wednesday. She had told work that day, that she had to go to a funeral in Alberta, and would be back by the weekend. She has been a no show/no call since then. Today is Monday and no one knows where she is. I'm terrified of what could have happened to her. She doesn't do this you know, just fuck off to Alberta. Or anywhere. She always lets me know if she's planning to go somewhere, she would have told me if someone in Danny's family died (he has family in Alberta). I've done everything I can think to do besides calling the Police. I am going to leave that one up to my parents. She has no idea about my Grandpa. I've had this feeling for about a week that something bad was about to happen. I am somewhat satisfied that it was the passing of my Grandpa instead of something more tragic. But with Betty being gone, and Landon leaving for Detroit in a week, this feeling is still there a little bit, I just can't figure out if its the same, or something new. The one great thing I got from my mother is good instincts, and I've always trusted them because they have never once let me down. Its just hard when I can't tell if its instinct, or fear that's making me feel this way. I just need to know. I just need to know. I just NEED to KNOW.

I Like You

Yeah so Valentine's Day is just a commercial holiday invented by corporate America so they can sell shit and make money in between Christmas and Easter. But that doesn't mean you have to be so negative about it, hosting your Anti-Valentine's parties and hating the world because you're single and no one loves you. I love you, don't I matter? Your mom loves you, maybe, and if she doesn't, I do, remember? So stop being stupid and pessimistic and take my love! In fact, give your own love. Give it to everyone. Everyone needs love so stop being miserable. I don't want to see your shitty attitude anymore. I don't want to see you wining and coming up with clever poems. I don't want to read your articles about how this day should have long been abolished. We need a day to celebrate love. Its just been celebrated the wrong way the last, forever. So change it. Instead of crying because you're single, go give your mom a hug, go kiss a puppy, go adopt a child from Eurofricasia. Shut the fuck up and love.

Hypocritical

Okay, so I'm going to try something new. Something I have never ever done before. I have been eating meat every day since I was 6 months old. Most of the time, multiple times a day. I have always felt that being vegetarian was stupid. Unless you're like allergic to every animal or something, its just dumb. Animals are here for us to eat. Except puppies and kitties, because they're cute. And crows, because I don't want to eat anyone's soul. But every other animal is worthy of being in my belly. BUT, I have decided, that I am going to try to be vegetarian. I am going to try to not eat meat, for, one day. And then, if I make it that one day, then I will try again, for, another day. My ultimate goal, will be to not eat meat for as long as I can until I start to see the changes in my body. If I like the changes, I'll stick to it, or, 90% of it. I could never deny a freshly barbequed medium rare T-Bone, and no matter how hard you try Beefless Beef, you will never win. Real Beef is delicious. But, I know that this new diet plan, will leave room for more vegetables, whole grains, and fruit. If I cut out my only source of protein thus far, I will be forced to find other ways. I've been educating myself on the vegetarian world, and learning about things like hemp hearts and lentils. Vegan, is something I will never do. No matter how great I feel. I just can't give up milk and milk products. Eggs yeah. Eggs are really and truthfully, disgusting. I think this new lifestyle will also leave room for better cooking. I can go grocery shopping every couple days, like the French, and cook with truffles and saffron, like the French, and eat so much sugar and never get fat, like the French. Mmmm French. I'm excited to cook things like ratatouille and spinach tarts. I'm excited for my skin to look better, and for my poop to be easily expelled.

Just Because

I'm feeling materialistic today. The following is a list of some of the things I want.

Is That Normal?

It hurts to close my eyes all the way, and when I sleep they're about a 6th of the way open. It takes me at least 2 hours to fall asleep after I've gotten into bed because of this.

I can't remember at least 80% of my life experience, and the stuff that I do remember, I have an incredibly difficult time distinguishing between dreams or reality.

I dream extremely vividly, which doesn't help my memory problem. I dream every time I fall asleep, even if its for only 5 minutes.

I will confess, that I am attracted to some women. The only ones I'm ever attracted to though, are ones that are so intimidating that I can barely speak when they're around. And they're always so incredibly beautiful that there is no way I would ever EVER touch them for fear of ruining their perfection.

I will pick winter over summer any day. On that note, I do not have any interest to travel to tropical locations i.e. Hawaii, Jamaica, or anywhere south of me. I would, like to see the Amazon maybe, New Caledonia perhaps, or maybe Madagascar, but only because I want to dance with lemurs that sound like Sasha Baron Cohen.

I have no talents.

Woohoo Cancer

I surround myself with pop culture for some reason I can't really comprehend. I love TV and Music and Movies and gossip columns. I involve myself in some celebrities' lives so much that when something spectacular happens to them, I feel it. I recently learned that my dearest Dexter has Lymphoma. This blows so much. I really really have a lot of admiration for this man, so its really devastating to hear something like that. What sucks more though, is that his lymphoma is now in remission. My dad's isn't. My dad's never will be. Its not fair. Because he's a celebrity, he gets to live. I don't consciously think about it very often, but its always there, lurking in the back of my head, "one day closer to his death, one less day you have with him". When I learned that my dad was dying, I knew that this would somehow end up being all about my mother. She even said, within the first few days, no, hours, of the news becoming public, that we were to not forget that she was there. That the spouses always get left in the dark while the family mauls over the cancer stricken one. That she didn't want that to happen, that she was important too. There's been so many times since this happened that she's gone all crazy selfish and even on New Year's Day, said, "This is MY year! I'm not doing anything for anyone!" This is the hardest part of going through all this. I love my dad and feel so sad sometimes, but I'm so afraid to show it. I'm so afraid of her jealousy. I wish I could just go up to my mom and say, "I'm scared" and she would hug me and rub my back and whisper nice things to me while I cried and cried. I wish I could talk about how I feel about people other than her. I'm so lonely without her. I miss her so much and she doesn't even notice. Every time I see her I forget all the nasty ways she's treated me and tell her I love her and tell her I miss her and she just says, "Its not my fault that you don't come out here to see me." I hate what she's doing to me. I hate how no one else in my family will do anything. We all just sit here letting her do this. When my dad does die, we'll all probably be so terrified to show any affection that Landon will have to do the eulogy. I wish I could just be sad in peace. Mourn my father's health with pride. I hate how this is the only thing I ever talk about anymore. My mother. I shouldn't let her rule my life like this. I just can't type about anything else lately.

Indecisive

So I changed it again...back to private. Maybe someday when I know that my thoughts are free from judgment and ridicule I'll change it back. I just need to keep telling myself that one day I will write a book, and THEN I'll be rich and famous, and then I REALLY won't care what she thinks......maybe.

SomeThingsILikeToEnjoyWhenI'mFeelingDown


Dexter Morgan/Michael C. Hall/David Fisher. Especially when he dances and sings


Canoeing. Anywhere.


Shopping on Amazon, even just window shopping

When my kids are far far away for a night

Drinking Coke, collecting Coke items, looking at my Coke items that I already have

Learning about Denmark. Talking about Denmark. Thinking about Denmark


Trees. Camping.

Eating delicious junk food, then getting fatter.

Especially Lady Gaga, or Michael Jackson

Reading.

Publicity

So I changed my blog back to public. Now anyone and everyone and their cat when the cat is home alone (because I'm pretty sure cats do people things when no one's looking) can read my blog. I hated having it private. I am not a private person and having to "secure" my "information" makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I realized that I really don't care who reads my thoughts anymore. Even if its someone who's personal relationship with me has been soley based on bullshit for the last 26 years and them reading this will bring things to the surface that without the blog probably would have never been discussed reads it, that's okay.

So on Facebook......boring boring Facebook......I was tagged in a note about dreams. Not the sleepy kind, but the, "my dream is to one day make out with Johnny Depp" kind. At the end of the written inspiration there was a little, "I tagged people that I know have dreams within them...follow your heart :)". I read that and thought, "Okay fine, I'll tell you about my dreams and which ones have come true and which ones have yet to come true. Maybe it'll inspire someone else" We all know how much I love talking about myself so how can I miss an opportunity when someone asks me to????

I will live in Denmark one day. To you, the non-Denmark-educated, it may seem that this is a silly dream. To me though, it is my biggest dream. Denmark has everything I want there, most importantly, no one I know. I would love to get away from the pressure of everything that is North America, just for a little while. Plus they have no tornadoes there. I don't like tornadoes.

I will meet Ellen one day. I briefly discussed this earlier, but wanted to mention it again.

When I own a house and am comfortable with my finances, I will drive around a few times a month, picking up street kids and bringing them in for a family supper. Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be full of lots of stranger love and I will be satisfied. Because stranger love is the best kind of love.

When I die, or move away to Denmark, my friends and family will speak of me as a passionate advocate of human rights and education. Someday I will be a well known activist in these areas and I will help to change the world and bring the people out of ignorance.

I have other small aspirations for myself and my family, but all the big dreams have already been accomplished. I am happy, I have two beautiful children and I have a wonderful husband. I DON'T have a house, but I don't need one right now. I DON'T have a puppy or kitty, but they will come in time. I don't have a million dollars, but I do have everything I need. My kids are fed and clothed and we have somewhere to live.

I believe in freedom of speech. With respect of course. You can't just go around yelling "NIGGA" whenever the hell you want, but you should be able to express your opinions in regards to the word "nigger" without being afraid of a black person knocking you out.

I believe in freedom of religion. If want to be an atheist and live a "negative" lifestyle then let me be. If you want to believe that aliens rule over mankind.....well.... as long as you have checked with your doctor to make sure you're not clinically insane, then all the power to you.

I believe in human rights in the most general sense. I have every right to do whatever I want to my own body. If I want to fill it with drugs or alcohol or penises that is MY choice. Who are you to tell me I can't do that??? Go ahead and try to "save" me from myself buy taxing the shit out of it, but don't tell I can't do it and send me to jail for smoking a joint. Jackass.

I believe that no has the right to take another human life, with the possible exception of self defense.....POSSIBLE. If someone breaks into my home and threatens the lives of my family, I may have to kill you. But capitol punishment and non life threatening abortions should not be allowed.

I believe we need to educate our children better. Whoever said "ignorance is bliss" is an asshole.

Edward Barbie.....really......

Okay so I've been neglecting you. There are a million reasons why but I'll short form it for you. Christmas time is busy, I'm lazy, the computer never co-operates, Alex keeps pressing the button to turn it off, I'm really lazy, and I have to work at night and am therefore tired when I get home and don't want to type during the day. I've been getting a lot of "update your fucking blog you lazy ass" lately so here. Landon and I have been married for 7 months (almost 8), but together for 7 years. I love this man more than you could ever comprehend. We've been through too much....so much more than is allowed but it was all worth it. He is the greatest dad to my boys and the greatest husband I could ever ask for.

I was watching Ellen yesterday, who is my personal hero, and she announced that all of her contests are now open to Canadians. She then had her opera singer dude come out dressed in Mountie gear with a Canadian flag singing our national anthem. I cried. I am literally obsessed with Ellen. I have been ever since I was young, and her sitcom was on TV. I've always thought she was hilarious, and I love how generous and kind and beautiful and gay she is. I would do anything I could to meet her in person...and now....that dream seems closer to reality.

For Christmas I got some sweet Coca-Cola lip gloss, a gift card to get my hair done, a book about how to have lucid dreams at will and an Edward Cullen Barbie doll. Best Christmas ever.