Say Crack Again

I found my high school art teacher's blog. Its entertaining that's for sure. Full of so much randomness though. Sometimes it has song lyrics, sometimes, short stories, and sometimes useless ramblings. Its weird because my teachers always had some sense of anonymity and I feel like I'm invading a part of him that he doesn't want anyone else to see. Aeh well. He shouldn't have a public blog then. I also learned of www.searchlightsandicebeams.worpress.com. You know I don't really do reviews, but this blog is incredible. There are four different authors (all male...maybe they should consider adding some estrogen) who are incredibly brilliant and incredibly creative. This is my favourite internet literature I have found to date. I highly HIGHLY recommend you take a look.

My Grandpa's funeral was very nice. Very emotional and sad, but nice. They had the Legion guys come and do their salute, and play that Rememberance Day music that always send chills down my spine. Like 8 little old men and 2 little old women shuffling up to my Grandpa's urn, standing as straight as they could, giving the only poppy they had on their overly decorated jackets to Gramps, and then shuffling back to their pew. It was beautiful.

The burial was extremely difficult. My Grandpa was cremated (because it's cheaper...silly old man) but his urn was placed in the earth beside my Grandma. My Grandma died when I was 4 from Leukemia. I didn't know her well, but from what I remember, she was an awesome lady. My dad and his sister, and their children, all stood their watching the little wooden boxed being dropped into the little square hole. The last time I saw my Grandpa was several years ago. Throughout the whole day, all I felt was guilt. I loved him, and I didn't know him as well as I should've. After my Grandpa's ashes were laid to rest, and the small crowd had dispersed somewhat, my dad came up to my brother, sister, and I, and seeing the utter sorrow in his face, I started to wonder how he felt, to lose his Mommy, and now his Daddy. He had no parents left. I started to think about how I was going to feel when I lost my Daddy. Then my dad said, "Its hard. Its hard to say goodbye. Its hard to say goodbye to your dad for the last time." I fucking lost it. I don't want to say goodbye to my dad for the last time. I don't want to. Its going to hurt. I don't want to never see him again. I don't want to never hug the only person I can hug with my face buried in their chest ever again. I don't want my Daddy to die. Right before we left for Martensville, and the whole family was together in my parents' kitchen, I commented on how the chemo was not making my dad lose his hair, even though the doctors said it most certainly would. My dad, very nonchalantly, said, "The stuff in the chemo that makes you lose your hair, ruined my heart instead" K what??? Why are you saying that horrible news so calmly? Why have you not mentioned this before? Why are you saying it so that only I, and by chance, Johnathan, hear you? Why are you telling me this RIGHT before we're leaving for your Dad's funeral? So that we can't talk about it? Dad, why the fuck do you have to do that all the time? Act like its no big deal? It IS a big deal! Did ten years just turn into ten months? Is this heart thing one of those deadly side affects of the chemo that you talked about in the beginning? Why is your Lymphoma such a taboo subject? Is it mom? Is she making you feel guilty for getting sick? Because she's making me feel guilty for caring that you're sick, so I can see her doing it to you too. Well its not fair dammit. I want to know! I want to know if I have less time with you than I originally thought.

My life as of this day, is the worst its ever been. It does seem to be getting easier though. Certainly not better. Maybe I just lost a lot of myself through this giant rough patch. I don't really feel a lot anymore. Not much more than pain and anger and hate anyway. Sometimes I imagine myself coming into money somehow, and just fucking off for a week, all by myself. The only reason I don't actively pursue this fantasy, is because I fear that after the week is up, I won't come back.

Michigan

So Landon is in Michigan. Sue Saint Marie or Sault Saint Marie or whatever the fuck. Yes there's one in Michigan AND Ontario. He's on a business trip with Cooper Tires, testing out a TOP SECRET new winter tire. He gets to ride around with a professional driver on an ice rink and then take it for a spin himself. Then when he's done "working", he gets to go on a snowmobile excursion through a winter wonderland. All this while, staying in casino hotel with a King Size Bed all to himself, eating from buffets with 12 different kinds of cheese, 6 different kinds of lettuce and 8 different kinds of lobster. Smoking his $6/pack Marlboro's, drinking his free alcohol, flying on his private jets, smoking his cigars and laughing at sexist jokes with the other business men. I've never been more jealous of him.

I am only half myself when Landon isn't around. He and I are halves of one unit and I feel completely useless without him. If anything were to happen to him during this time, I would lose everything I have left of myself. Yes I have two children who mean more to me than anyone else, including Landon, but I really and truly could not live without my soul's best friend. I will fight anyone who claims that they have a better connection with their partner. Landon and I were born to one day find each other, have two children out of wedlock and live happily ever after. He is my eternal everything and my soul would die a long, painful, horrible death if I were to ever lose him.

So as you already know, I cheated on My Vegetarian Adventure last night and ate a deliciously over well done steak at a karaoke bar last night. This morning I woke up with full intentions to forget the sweet taste of animal and continue with my journey but Landon's mom brought me turkey soup, and I was hungry. Then I ordered pizza, with beautifully thinly sliced cooked just right pig shavings. I think I'm going to take a break. I need some time to relax and I'm fucking sick of salad.

It's A Steak Night TONIGHT!

So before I went veggie, I bought some tickets to a steak night for work. I LOVE steak. Love love love. From the day I started to the second that steak was put in front of my face, I struggled with the option of trading my steak for extra potatoes, or just eating it. I mean, I've been vegetarian for one week. That was my goal when I started this. One week, see how I feel, and then continue, or go back to the gold old days. I ate that steak like it was the last piece of cow I would ever see. It was fucking amazing. I don't know if it was the fact that I haven't eaten any animal flesh in the last week or not, but it was incredible. To be honest, I believe it was medium well (and I eat my steak rare) and small, and thin, but it was soooooooo delicious. This last week has been completely unsatisfying no matter what I've eaten. I could eat just cheese all day and it still wouldn't fill me up right. I'm gonna keep on this thing, because it has made me feel great, and, I've suffered an insurmountable amount of stress lately and being vegetarian was the only thing that I felt I could control at the time.

It was one thing after another. Betty "missing", then Grandpa dying, then Betty MISSING. Not to mention the normal daily stresses. I really want to talk about how my heart has been broken worse than it has ever before, but the story will be missing a lot of pieces to spare my sister's privacy, so forgive me. Betty decided to go on a trip to see Danny's family in Strathmore, Alberta. She didn't tell anyone because she was only planning to be gone two days. A few unexpected tragedies occurred and they ended up staying longer. Betty didn't bring her phone, and by the time word got back to us of where they were, Betty and Danny were on their way home. Betty didn't bring her cell phone and she didn't touch a computer until she got home. Within a couple hours of her being home a fight ensued between her and the rest of my family, and she ended up staying with Danny for what seemed was going to be eternity. We had finally given her an ultimatum to either leave Danny and come home, or lose us completely. She had chosen the latter.

The last time I talked to her, it seems that she is seriously thinking about what is best for her. I love her madly and I would be more than happy to give her and Danny my blessing and see them live happily ever after, but right now, they both need some real help. I haven't talked to her in a couple days, but mostly because I'm afraid to.

Landon leaves for Detroit in 2 hours and 10 minutes. He is going to be gone until Tuesday night. That means I have a funeral to go to without him. I am only going to be half myself the whole time Landon is gone. I'm usually very strong in times like this, but I'm afraid that I am going to break down on Tuesday. I won't have my kids to keep me strong, and I'll have to watch my mother and father cry. One small thing will break the seal and the waterworks will pour like Angel Falls.

I don't have anything else to say right now.

Its The Unknown That Will Eventually Kill Me

My wonderful brother and his wonderful girlfriend took me grocery shopping yesterday. It was really really nice of them because I shop in a particular way that to someone else would probably be extremely annoying. Thank you for your patience Loves. Here is a list of some of the things I bought:
red onions
yellow onions
green onions
garlic
leeks
mixed beans (for soup)
mixed beans (canned, for eating)
mixed nuts
lentils
extra old cheddar
mozzarella
feta
lemons
sea salt (whole, so I can grind it myself)
celery
strawberries
spinach
spring mix (complete with swiss chard)
spinach
vegetable broth
carrots
green peppers
mushrooms

This is the start of my vegetarian diet. I'm going to making a lot of soups, and salads. I already have lots of rice and pasta in the house but much MUCH less meat. Yesterday for supper I made hamburger helper and greek salad. MmmmmmMmmm good. Yesterday my first full day as a veggie. I honestly already feel pretty good. Much more energy than I'm used to. Today I have only had breakfast (Fruit Loops with fresh strawberries and bananas) and am going to have a delicious toasted cheese bagel after I'm done writing this. I'm really proud of myself and looking forward to inspiring my family to eat better. Landon thinks I'm crazy but I know he'll eat healthier because of what I'm doing for myself.

My grandpa passed away yesterday. He turned 89 on Saturday and has been really sick the last few months, so it wasn't a surprise. Even though it was expected, it still really sucks. I love my grandpa, and have fond memories of him growing up. The last time I had seen him was a few years ago I think. He hadn't met my youngest son, and it wasn't because he didn't want to. He lived in North Battleford and because of his health, it wasn't easy for him to travel. I could have easily driven my family up there but for fear of it being awkward, I never did. With his passing I am feeling a lot of guilt for not seeing him often enough and not making sure he knew how I felt about him. My dad is in North Battleford right now and I haven't spoken with him since this happened. I really hope he is okay. I can imagine he is feeling a lot of guilt as well. My dad's side is a small family, and don't get together as often as they should. He has one sister, Auntie Sandra, who has two children, Christine and Timothy. I really do love them. I've always felt bad being so much closer to my Opa than my Grandpa, but I've always thought that he knew I still loved him. The funeral is tentatively set for next Tuesday, while Landon is in Detroit. Little fact of the day, I am named after my Grandpa. Aimee, my middle name, is his first name. It means "love" in French. If I have a daughter someday, I will name her Aimee.

My sister is missing. The last time anyone spoke to her was Wednesday. She had told work that day, that she had to go to a funeral in Alberta, and would be back by the weekend. She has been a no show/no call since then. Today is Monday and no one knows where she is. I'm terrified of what could have happened to her. She doesn't do this you know, just fuck off to Alberta. Or anywhere. She always lets me know if she's planning to go somewhere, she would have told me if someone in Danny's family died (he has family in Alberta). I've done everything I can think to do besides calling the Police. I am going to leave that one up to my parents. She has no idea about my Grandpa. I've had this feeling for about a week that something bad was about to happen. I am somewhat satisfied that it was the passing of my Grandpa instead of something more tragic. But with Betty being gone, and Landon leaving for Detroit in a week, this feeling is still there a little bit, I just can't figure out if its the same, or something new. The one great thing I got from my mother is good instincts, and I've always trusted them because they have never once let me down. Its just hard when I can't tell if its instinct, or fear that's making me feel this way. I just need to know. I just need to know. I just NEED to KNOW.

I Like You

Yeah so Valentine's Day is just a commercial holiday invented by corporate America so they can sell shit and make money in between Christmas and Easter. But that doesn't mean you have to be so negative about it, hosting your Anti-Valentine's parties and hating the world because you're single and no one loves you. I love you, don't I matter? Your mom loves you, maybe, and if she doesn't, I do, remember? So stop being stupid and pessimistic and take my love! In fact, give your own love. Give it to everyone. Everyone needs love so stop being miserable. I don't want to see your shitty attitude anymore. I don't want to see you wining and coming up with clever poems. I don't want to read your articles about how this day should have long been abolished. We need a day to celebrate love. Its just been celebrated the wrong way the last, forever. So change it. Instead of crying because you're single, go give your mom a hug, go kiss a puppy, go adopt a child from Eurofricasia. Shut the fuck up and love.

Hypocritical

Okay, so I'm going to try something new. Something I have never ever done before. I have been eating meat every day since I was 6 months old. Most of the time, multiple times a day. I have always felt that being vegetarian was stupid. Unless you're like allergic to every animal or something, its just dumb. Animals are here for us to eat. Except puppies and kitties, because they're cute. And crows, because I don't want to eat anyone's soul. But every other animal is worthy of being in my belly. BUT, I have decided, that I am going to try to be vegetarian. I am going to try to not eat meat, for, one day. And then, if I make it that one day, then I will try again, for, another day. My ultimate goal, will be to not eat meat for as long as I can until I start to see the changes in my body. If I like the changes, I'll stick to it, or, 90% of it. I could never deny a freshly barbequed medium rare T-Bone, and no matter how hard you try Beefless Beef, you will never win. Real Beef is delicious. But, I know that this new diet plan, will leave room for more vegetables, whole grains, and fruit. If I cut out my only source of protein thus far, I will be forced to find other ways. I've been educating myself on the vegetarian world, and learning about things like hemp hearts and lentils. Vegan, is something I will never do. No matter how great I feel. I just can't give up milk and milk products. Eggs yeah. Eggs are really and truthfully, disgusting. I think this new lifestyle will also leave room for better cooking. I can go grocery shopping every couple days, like the French, and cook with truffles and saffron, like the French, and eat so much sugar and never get fat, like the French. Mmmm French. I'm excited to cook things like ratatouille and spinach tarts. I'm excited for my skin to look better, and for my poop to be easily expelled.