I miss Jack.

It Was Not Only His Moustache That Made Me Fall In Love

Dear Jack,
You were the greatest Canadian politician we had in decades. The reason why? You loved us. You praised us. You cared about us. You inspired us. You captivated us. Before you, I couldn't care less about politics. I knew so little about it that any debate or argument I found myself in would leave me silent and unfulfilled. You changed that all for me. I now feel like I have a voice, and that I deserve to be heard. You made me feel important amongst 33 million other Canadians. My opinions and my thoughts were relevant. You made it okay to be a socialist. Your death, as traumatic as it is for me personally, not to mention all social democrats and democratic socialists all over Canada, should be looked at as a historical moment in history when right winged Canadians shut their idiot mouths for once and actually listened. I am hopeful that this has shaken up our country enough to push them in the right direction.

Don't mistake this for me taking an opportunity to plug my political views, but rather plug my social views of love, hope, optimism, passion, truth, justice, and freedom. A part of me is scared that without Jack, we will go backwards. He was the one and only reason I am active in politics today. He is the one and only reason so many socialists have come out of their closets and expressed their views. He is the one and only reason Canada has a chance of getting out their shameful rut of selfishness and greed. When Stephen Harper was re-elected I have never felt more ashamed to be a citizen of this country, but yet, I still had faith. Jack had never been more popular than he was at that moment, and his popularity was growing. His followers were growing. His support was growing. Canada was still changing. Now that he's gone, I don't know what I see for our future, but if Jack has taught me one thing, its that love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

Seriously, Time To Fuck Off Now. Thanks.

Fuck you Depression. Get the fuck away from me goddammit. Why do you refuse to acknowledge how much I despise you? All you ever want to do is envelope me in misery. Its not fun. I don't enjoy it. Get lost. I succomb to your awfulness and begin to dislike literally everything around me. You're not only hurting me, but also my family, friends, coworkers, and anyone else that has the pleasure of speaking to me. Whenever you get your little desires to fuck with my life, I lose people, I lose parts of myself and I lose time wasting it on trying to destroy you. I'm actually losing money because of you. Losing love, losing lust, losing everything that's good in my life. Why me? Why can't you go fuck with someone else instead? I don't deserve this. I never did anything to justify being treated like a useless piece of garbage. All I want is to be content. Not even happy. Just content. Why is that so much to ask??? I have a husband and two children who rely on me. I have people who look up to me and if they see me fall apart, what will happen to them? You have fucked up my entire life and therefore fucked up the lives of my children. You have destroyed whatever fantastic people they could have been. Seriously...what is it going to take to get you rot in hell you asshole motherfucking bastard depression? I hate you.

In Your Face Space Coyote!

My mind is in a constant state of wonder. Always thinking about the what ifs. I know that I've said many many times that what ifs will ultimately destroy you, but I cannot avoid them. I'm on this personal, somewhat internal (not so much now that I'm blogging about it) mission to find myself. I'm 28, married and have two fanfuckingtastic children. Is this really where I want to be for the rest of my life??? No. Definitely not. Its nothing against Landon or my children, and that's what makes it so complicated. I have an extremely difficult time trying to talk to Landon about it. It's impossible to explain exactly how I feel. It's impossible not to offend him either. I mean, I would be offended if he told me that he wasn't sure he should be married. Maybe. Probably not actually because I know how he would feel. That's how I feel. The older I get and the more I learn, the more I realize that I am not where I should be. I'm not a settle-down-er. I'm not a routiner. I'm so not an every-day-is-exactly-the-samer. I love my job, and I love my friends, and I love my family but I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. Like really deep down inside. I've never been alone ever for more than a few hours. EVER. I'm not exaggerating. Its never happened. I really wonder who I would be if no one was around me. I've also never been celibate for more than a few days since I gave my v-card away. Don't assume I'm some easy piece of ass or anything. Its not like that at all. I've never been single. Went from v-card boy to Landon 3 days later. I wonder who I would be if I were single, or even just able to date people I was interested in. That counts women as well. I'm extremely interested in dating women but never had the opportunity. Landon and I have discussed in depth the concept of open marriage. I want it. Now. Landon's more apprehensive about which he has every right to be. Its not a common thing and terribly, frowned upon for the most part (which is ridiculous. Really who are you to decide what "the sacrament of marriage" is all about. Fuck off). Who would I be if I didn't smoke? If I drank alcohol? If I had a personal studio space to paint and draw and create? If I went to a post secondary class or two? If I spent more time with the people that I actually want to spend time with instead of the people I feel obligated to spend time with? Who would I be if I acted on my impulses and did what my heart and soul were telling me to do?

Fortunate Son

I fucking love CCR, as you may already be aware. I am here listening to their Best Of album and finding myself wondering what kind of person I would be had I been born when I should have been, in the 40's, so I could be a crazy hippy wandering aimlessly throughout life, loving, sexing, drugging, dancing and enjoying.

I have been wanting to write for quite some time, however I haven't been feeling that confident lately. My sister and Landon both ganged up on me and gave me a nice long lecture about how I'm conceited and egotistical. I really don't think I am. Yes, I think quite highly of myself, but I really believe that's healthy. I'm not cocky and I don't think I'm better than people for no reason. I'm logical and therefore know that I'm better than some people, but for a reason. Maybe they're assholes or snobby bitches or Hitler. I'm definitely better than Hitler. I want to be confident and I want people to know that I will not take their shit, but I don't want them to scared of me and I MOST CERTAINLY don't want them to think I'm a conceited bitch. I'm really really not. I think I've embraced a lot about myself that most people try to hide, like the fact that I LOVE attention. That shouldn't make me conceited, that should just make me honest. I'm also incredibly proud and honoured to be able to see myself making a difference in people's lives because of the things that I do. I never take that for granted ever. And the fact that I talk about it a lot makes me conceited? Well I'll just shut up then. I'll stop and go back to pretending I'm just an average person. I'll ignore the parts of me that scream for activism and purpose. I'll live in the shadows and blend in with the mindless sheep. I'll drop the whole atheism thing and the whole human rights advocacy. I'll just be a regular old working mom, struggling to get by day to day in this fucked up society, instead of taking the opportunity to become a politician and make a difference. As if my ego needs that! The spotlight, especially one that allows me to actually be heard is the last thing I need if I want to keep my friends.