Listen to this. Right now.

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

No Easy Way

There is no easy way for me to say this, and I should probably keep this to myself because as I mentioned previously, I am terrified of the reaction I am going to get from you. Because this is my blog however, I therefore have a self proclaimed right to say whatever I want. There is a very high possibility that I may not live long enough to see my next birthday. Take comfort in the fact that I have and am continuing to do everything in my power to prevent this from happening. When i try and see myself from an outsider's perspective, this situation seems less and less likely, so I have been trying to separate myself, just so I can stay alive. This separation is confusing and hurting my loved ones. I need you to know that no matter what happens and who I have become, there is one contstant that will NEVER change. I love you. Unconditionally until the end of time.

"If Someone Out There Doesn't Agree With Me, Then Somewhere A Village Is Missing Their Idiot"

I need to create a private blog. There is so much that I need to write and release but I can't because I am so engulfed by fear. I'm afraid of you and how you'll react. I'm afraid to lose you. I can't even begin to explain how right my sister is. I know I'm not okay. I know I'm losing myself. I know I'm stuck in a downward spiral and today, I finally accepted that there is no way out alone. I need help. I need a fucking therapist or some shit. I need to talk to someone. I need to accept that I am not strong enough. I will not get out alive if I don't reach out. The part of me that doesn't want to survive is taking over. I need to hang on to that rational part that wants to live but its fading away. I'm not looking for attention and I'm not a fucking Debby Downer holding her Pity Party of the century. I'm just being honest. I don't see the light anymore. I don't see any possibility of being happy ever again.

I Really Want To Stop Crying

Even though I am surrounded by people who provide me with endless and unconditional love and support, I still feel the loneliest I have ever felt in my entire life. My sister and I had discussion the other night about how she was convinced that I am losing my mind. She is so convinced of this fact that she has provided me with resources to seek help from a psychiatrist. She is concerned and fearful of my mental state. Apparently she is not the only one who thinks this. After that talk, I have been eating junk food non stop, smoking tons of cigarettes and sitting in front of the TV for hours. I don't want to do anything but stay awake long enough to get tired so I can go back to sleep. I've always heard that phrase, "crazy people don't know they're crazy" and if Betty is right about her suspicions, than that phrase is 100% accurate. I really don't think I'm crazy. I really don't think I'm losing my mind. I think I'm just lonely. I can't seem to find whatever it is that I'm looking for and its driving me into some deep depression. That's it. No big deal.

Ye Be Warned

I have a shitload of stuff to talk to you about and its gonna be a lot of whining and bitching and rambling on about myself, so fair warning! Don't read the next few posts if you're not into that sort of thing. Actually, probably don't read any of my posts. I tend to bitch and whine and talk about myself a lot.... So if you're not into that sort of thing...you're probably not even here in the first place, so.....nevermind!

Like I implied, this is just a pre-post.

GREAT NEWS: I just got invited to a gay wedding in Halifax next summer. This girl who used to work at a radio station in town who is probably the coolest girl I have ever met...go engaged!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! I get to go bask in the awesome love between two awesome people and because I was invited its not creepy! Yay!!!!!!!!!

Fuck This

I really wish there was something I could do to help the abused people in this world who refuse to seek refuge. I mean the women or men in relationships who are still at the point of believing either its their fault, or this is normal, or its the only way their life works or whatever other excuse they come up with. I wish there was a way I could take the children involved away from that life and hug them and hold them and tell them I love them. I hate living in a place where there is so much hate and trauma and despair. I hate knowing that these poor children are at home being screamed at by their alcoholic parents because they wants to wear a shirt that's too big for them. I'm three doors down. I should just walk over there and ask him to come play with us. That poor poor boy. I'm so thankful that my children are loved and supported and respected. I'm so thankful that I'm not corrupted by alcohol or drug abuse and therefore not destroying the wonderful parts of my children. I'm not taking away their innocence. I just want to hug that little boy. I want him to know that he is loved. I hate this so much. I love him so much.