Eff You Death.

The wristband that I inherited from Matt rarely leaves my wrist.  When I type, I have to take the wristband off and I become very distant from him.  I like to have him everywhere possible, but only in small doses.  It's not like I have a portrait tattoo of him.  That would be weird.  At most, I have my phone's lock screen a picture of him.  Recently, I rearranged my living room and now have a framed picture of him and I on my desk, to left of my monitor. I also have a photo of him in my bathroom beside the mirror, and in my car just above the rear view mirror.  I miss him so much, but I get to see him every single day.  It makes me very happy.

I'm Really Gonna Miss You, Twinkies.

You know how you listen to a song and you think/feel different things, and some songs you're really emotional about and other songs you're really just fucking stupid?  Like, I LOVE Bad Romance because it's like super intense and sounds really fun and is BEAUTIFUL to look at.  I also love really good technically good songs.  Like Lateralus.  It's all like, "I'm mathematical, and cool.  Bitch".

Sometimes you listen to a song and you feel all dreamy and romantic and maybe even your heart will cry tears of joy or whatever that feeling is when you're so happy for love.  When I hear Spirit In The Sky, or Bittersweet Symphony, or Good Mother.

Sometimes you listen to a song and you just wanna act like a total ass.  Let out your inner Lorraine and get the fuck down. If you play Party Rock Anthem, Lonely Boy, Without Me, Bohemian Rhapsody, Calabria 2000, and pretty much any Tenacious D songs; I will end up making a total ass out of myself.  It's so much fun.

I'm listening to Bohemian Rhapsody right now.  If I was home alone right now, I would totally record myself singing to this song.  And drumming with pencil crayons.

Sometimes you listen to song that make your heart cry tears of pain and sorrow.  I can't listen to Just Like Honey or Only or Hurt (Johnny Cash version) without getting really sad at one point within those few minutes.  So sad that I may even cry.

 I want someone to sing Undisclosed Desires to me.

Bad Boys II is a kick ass fucking movie.  Will Smith gets called a nigger and he says "motherfucker" a lot.  IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME.

It Seems That All That Was Good Has Died And Is Decaying In Me

When I was about 18 years old, this is the song I related to most:

Disturbed - Down With The Sickness

Clash's Time

It's time for an overhaul.

Sticky Notes

Well I say, "NUTS to that!"

Was that two lady elks making out?

LANDON WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME?! WE NEED TO WRITE AN OPERA!!!!!!!

When I'm alone, I listen to rap music, curl my top lip up and dance like a wangster.  It's awesome and you're jealous.  My hands flail.

Sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong

Lochness, Goblin, Ghoul, a zombie with no conscience

question what do all these things have in common

everybody knows I’m a motherfucking monster

conquer, stomp ya, stop your silly nonsense

none of you n-words know where the swamp is

none of you n-words have seen the carnage that I’ve seen

I still hear fiends scream in my dream murder murder in black convertibles

I kill a block I murder avenues rape and pillage a village, women and children

everybody wanna know what my Achilles' heel is

Love I don't get enough of it

all I get is these vampires and blood suckers

all I see is these n-words I’ve made millionaires

milling about, spilling there feelings in the air

all I see is these fake fucks with no fangs

tryna draw blood with my ice cold veins

I smell a massacre

seems to be the only way to back you bastards up

I often wonder about whether I'm cool.

After a lot of thought though, I always come to the conclusion that yes, I am cool.

I really like when people that I don't follow on Facebook, comment or like my posts.

There was but a single egg withholding me from baking Coca-Cola cupcakes tonight.  Dammit.

I've never seen Terminator.  I want to watch it.

My happy place isn't really a tangible place.  It's much more a state of mind, like a sense, or an understanding, or an acceptance.  Questions and complexities are non existent.  I don't know anything but I don't care.  I'm so meh.  So chill. So at peace.

I get to this place by way of intense stimulation.

I really want to go karaokeing to sing Tenacious D's "Fuck Her Gently" to a large group of strangers.  It really is one of my favourite love songs.

#YOLO is dumb.  I hate it.  All I think when I see YOLO is, "WELL DUH!  You've always known that you only live once.  Don't act like Drake was a genius or something."

Now you're just applying the 'yolo' notion to DUMB ASS RETARDED things.  Like "I shot a dude.  YOLO LOL!"  You're a dipshit.  And your face looks stupid when you say it.

Have you learned that God doesn't exist?

I can't sleep on folds

Sometimes I think I'm a bully.

There are some times, when I feel so much pain in my soul

It feels as if my soul is so depressed, that is has become suicidal.  My soul's heart is broken and it's will has been beaten. There is nothing that can make my soul feel joyful ever again.

There are some times when I feel so much pain in my heart.

My physical heart can sometimes ache so badly that I have to put a hand to my chest and bend forward at the waist, bringing my knees in close and falling to the ground on my side.  I have laid there, in a fetal position, weeping from the agony and hopelessness.

I have survived this before though.  I have beaten this feeling before and felt happy again.

I'm pretty sure Canada loves pedophiles.  What's up with that?  Canada, wtf?

If I were to just type out the dialogue from an episode of Adventure Time, and submit that as a work of art, would that be cool?

Natalie Portman is my number one.

I REALLY want to do Lumpy Space Princess impersonations while having sex.

I really want some marshmallows.

I could write a wicked cartoon

Landon often tries to warn me of the consequences I would receive, if I were to reveal too much of myself over the internet

I can't respect Charlie Sheen as an actor anymore.  Yes he has talent, but all I see when I watch him is 'crazy'. I miss pre tiger blood Charlie.

I get excited about myself

STOP BEING FUCKING JEALOUS AND CLINGY!  Just relax and enjoy your relationship man.

I sort of want to watch America's Next Top Model.

You don't care about fat people who stink?

What if I tell you I put my balls on that?

Landon I'm your wife. That doesn't bother me.

Then let me put my balls on that.

No! Prior to me eating this cheesecake, you put your balls on it, and now that I have eaten half of it, you reveal this secret to me...I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I'm eating this cheesecake. IF you were to put your balls on my cheesecake now, I would not continue to eat it.

Well, can I put them on your chin then?

Let me hear your pig snort

New Slang

First off I want to apologize for my lack of an ability to accurately depict a more specific time line.

When I was in Valley Manor Elementary School, I believe in Grade 3, the school had a circus bear come for a funssembly. The Elementary version of a Pep Rally. The bear was not in a cage. It was on a leash. It was scary. It was awesome. The bear sat up on stage with it's handler and they did a little presentation. Then at the end, each student had an opportunity to stand in line and wait for their chance to touch the bear. About 300 children aged 5-13 were all about to touch a bear. A real life adult brown bear. On a leash. In a gymnasium. This really happened. I was there. I touched the bear. I touched a fucking bear. When I was 8 years old. And so did 299 other kids! We all touched a goddamn bear. Awesome.

I've been thinking a lot about 'friends' lately. I have a lot of friends. There are a lot of people in my life, whom I consider to have a friendship with, or platonic loving relationship with. See, I have a lot friends, but I have a select few people whom I have a much more strengthened bond with. People who I am in a relationship with. I am genuinely in love with these people. I can, and have, fallen in and out of love with some of them, but they are still people who have a huge impact on my life. My friends though, not so much. A few of them here and there, but overall, I've lost more friends than I currently have. Friendships never last. Ever. Relationships last forever. It's awesome to think about how fortunate I am, to be in so many different loving relationships at one time. I have the most intense one, with my husband of course. Closely following that, are all the loving platonic relationships I have with my family members. My children, parents, siblings, cousins, nieces, in-laws, etc; they all have precedence over the rest of my relationships. Among my non blood tied relationships, I have my best friends. Then I have my favourite people friends, then I have the friends who think of me as one of their favourite people, yet the feeling is not mutual. It's all good though. We have respect for one another. Then I have the rest. It's really fun, to sit back and think about all of the different people in your life, and what areas or categories they fit into. I could go on and on and on about all the categories that exist in my Friends List, but I'm sure you understand what I'm getting at. Every person that we have made time to build a relationship with, is important. They are impactful. They could change your life.

I Will Be A Bird. I Will Be A Bird After The Earth Recovers. I Will Be A Bird And I Will Fly.

3rd Rock From The Sun does not get the recognition it deserves. This show is perfection. I should purchase every season on DVD. No wait....Blu-ray. 3rd Rock From The Sun is worth 'purchasing' (not downloading) on Blu-ray. I really hope it's out on Blu-ray.

So I was thinking about Facebook, and how awesome it is to get likes. There's a commercial I've seen recently, about the youth of today, growing up in a technological age, or something or other...and there's random facts popping up here and there. There was this one, that stated that likes were more desirable than hugs.

"No.", I thought. "Nuh uh. Likes cannot be more desirable than hugs. That's such madness. Hugs are so awesome. I miss being a child and having an excuse to embrace everyone. I love hugs. Hugs feel so warm." and so on...more about hugs' greatness.

How could something so inanimate, be a genuine display of affection? This is not possible. Humans have souls. Humans are warm. Humans like hugs. Humans don't like likes.

Humanity has always been something I have had faith in. Faith that we will prevail. Faith that we will be the turtles of the next age. I believe in Humanity, to fight for their right to survive. Humanity will be honourable, loving, kind, beautiful and peaceful. Humanity will be perfect, and the earth will be perfect. There would never be any bad weather. There would never be any garbage. There would never be any pollution. There would never be any overpopulation. There would never be any fast paced lifestyle. There would never be any hate, pain, dirt, despair, anger, competition, dishonesty or disrespect. It will be perfect.

SO ANYWAY, about the whole 'like' thing. It's totally awesome to get likes. But that commercial is dead wrong. Hugs are still more desirable than likes.

I Offer You, An Intimate Look Into My Parenting Style

I lied. This is my next post, and it isn't a link to my new blog. I just REALLY needed to share this now. Maybe I will keep this blog open as well..........

Anyway...things to know: Characters in italics represent me. The rest represent Hayden

↓↓↓

Mom, I can't sleep; I keep thinking about zombies.

They're real y'know.

Mom.

Okay Hayden listen. You're a smart boy. Can you logically believe that zombies are real?

No.

Is it at all possible for them to become real?

Maybe.

Right. So you know how you should think about zombies?

As friends?

No, as sports equipment. Practice your football, soccer, hockey...

LOLZ

Hey, even tennis. Say you wanna learn to play tennis. Well you just happen to have your very own life supply of fresh zombies! Just rip off an arm and tear it across the court!

LMBOZ (Cuz he's not allowed to swear)

Feel better?

*HUGZ* Thanks Mommy. I love you

I love you too Sonshine.

My Favourite Disney Princess is Aurora

I've been thinking about starting a new blog lately. Maybe even shutting this own down. When I originally started this, it was for somewhere for me to go, at whatever time I wanted, to rant or rave or just write about nonsense. I can't figure out why, but I have no substance left in my writing. Whatever it was that kept my readers interested has disappeared. I've always wanted to write a book. A memoir of sorts. This blog was supposed to help me learn how to talk about myself in a way that no matter the subject, there was still someone there who wanted to hear what I had to say.

I think what's happened, is that instead of coming here to type type type away, I have come here to talk. I talk to you now. That's not what I should be doing. I should not care about when you're gonna read this, how many of you are gonna read this, what you're going to think about this, etc. Time for a fresh start.

Yup. My next post will be a link to my new blog. Ye Be Ready.

A Letter

Some background info: My big sister, April-Lee, was born with Cerebral Palsy, epilepsy, scoliosis and a wonderful mixture of spastic outbursts and quadriplegia. She was my Mom and Dad's first child. Born at twenty-seven weeks into gestation and weighing about two pounds. She was literally the size of a Barbie Doll. She spent sixty-nine days in NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) with my parents at her side as much as possible. The doctors gave her until the age of five, at most. Because my parents are two of the most incredible people on earth, April-Lee has lived happily and healthily for the last thirty years. There have been some terrifying moments, and my childhood had an ever lingering odour of fear; but the love of my parents, is stronger than fear. The love of my parents is stronger than doubt. The love of my parents is stronger than anything I have ever known. It's so awesome to be in that love. All the time.

Dear April-Lee,

I have one older sister, one younger sister, and one brother; the youngest of us four.

I realized today that I will never be able to give my big sister a Cheers to the Bride toast. It would be such an honour, to be able to stand in front of hundreds of people, going on and on and on about how awesome you are. So, I took the opportunity to say something today.

I have been so blessed, to be born with you already in my life, and to be able to grow up with you, so closely. I've seen people all around me fall in love with you. I've seen people willing to do anything for you. I've met people, who you've entranced in such a way, that you may very well have changed that person's life. I have seen everyone around you become captivated by your charm within minutes of meeting you (something I've always been quite jealous of by the way). I've seen my friends, family; and countless doctors, teachers, police officers and other "professional" people, act like complete idiots when they think they're alone with you. I was surrounded by strange sound effects, laughter, show tunes, laughter, made up words, laughter, yelps, laughter, accidents, laughter, arguments...laughter. There was always such positive energy in my home. Even through the tough times April-Lee, you and your absolutely terrible sense of humour were always there for me.

My parents were so fortunate, to have you not only as their first child, but their first daughter. They could not have asked for a better first daughter, April-Lee. And I am honoured to have followed that. You're a true inspiration. I don't know many girls who's big sister is a real, true, honest, courageous, loving, optimistic and delightful human being like yourself. You are such a vital part of this family dynamic, and of my personal life experience. Thank you for being so awesome.

April-Lee, I want to make sure you know that I love you. That Betty-Jean and Johnathan love you. That Mom and Dad love you. That our love and support, but mostly your indestructible will, helped you to reach this incredible milestone.

Thirty years old.

Wow.

What an honour to be a part of your family :)

Sometimes I Imagine What It Would Feel Like To Bathe In Blood

Just so we have at least some of the facts straight, I did take this photograph, of my bathtub. Of red hair dye.

I Don't Know What To Do.

I don't understand

why I can't just be satisfied with what I have
why I can't be happy for the people I love
why I can't be comfortable in my own skin
why I can't let go
why I always feel unsafe
why I always feel like I'm waiting for something
why I always have my eyes open
why I always feel like I'm fighting
why I feel like I've plateaued
why I feel miserable, lost, confused, unhappy, and fearful that whatever I need to fix all of these things, will never come.

MA! I'M ON THE RADIO!

This is something EXTREMELY important to me, and one of the first steps I am taking to raise more awareness about the subject of mental illness. There is far too much ignorance around this.

Skip to about 20 minutes in to hear me talk to John Gormley about the stigma around mental illness.
http://tinyurl.com/d2m6bvp

I Think I've Found My Calling.

Part of me really wants to watch One Lunatic, One Icepick. This part of me became quite dominant recently, that I went as far as finding the website where the video was located, brief myself on what the site is about, click on some icons of what I thought to be less graphic than others, and eventually searched the site for the video. I was brought to a page of a couple articles on the reaction to the video in the mainstream media, and one article giving a review of the video. There was a thumbnail picture of...something really terrible.

I'm sort of a fucked up person. I've sort of contemplated giving into my homicidal urges. I've sort of thought aggressively about destroying my own life. Among other things.

But seeing that tiny thumbnail of a photograph, and knowing full well what it was.....
I have never felt that sick in my entire life. Not the flu or hangover kind of sick. Not the kind of sick you feel when hear your boss yell, "YOU SELLING LOTS?!"for the 36th time that day. The kind of sick you feel when you hear about a child being abused. The kind of sick you feel when you hear about a rapist serial killer who preys on preteen boys. The kind of sick you feel when you finally realize how tortuous of a lifestyle your grandparents lived. Two world wars, a great depression, watching pop music go from Louis Armstrong to The Spice Girls and back again to something nice like The Black Keys but by that point you're so old that you don't care about anything and music has left your life and because of that you feel so lonely and sad that you die quietly in your sleep, all by your self. Among other things.

There isn't much in this life that my cognitive mind cannot understand, or even try to understand. The motive behind Luca Magnotta is one of them. Vince Li, the man who beheaded young Tim McLean on a Greyhound Bus in Sunny Manitoba, I can understand.

Mental illness is a real and terrifying thing. When you start to disarm the stigma around mental illness, only then can you begin to understand why people feel so inclined to perform such fatal acts. I believe people with mental illness need to be heard on a louder scale. Mental Illness needs as much awareness, if not more, than Cancer, AIDS, Heart & Stroke, Lung Disease, Poverty, Michael Jackson, etc. I am going to do something about this.

I Am Mrs. Philosoraptor.

if the only thing you knew about me was my taste in music, how would you judge me?

I Was Born on Friday The 13th, May of 1983

Today was my 29th Birthday

Today was my 3rd Wedding Anniversary

Today was my 8th Mother's Day

Today was Sunday, May the 13th, year 2012.

According to the Myan calendar, this will be last time I celebrate these things.

July 1st will be the last time I get to celebrate Canada Day.

I don't get to vote in another federal election.

I do get to celebrate one more of each of my children's birthdays.

I do get to celebrate one more of my husband's birthdays.

I do get to celebrate April-Lee's 30th Birthday. THIRTIETH. Thirty years old. April-Lee will be 30 years old. wow

I get one more Thanksgiving.

I don't get to meet my currently unborn new niece or nephew.

I don't get to celebrate Sawyer's 2nd birthday.

I don't get to watch Alex grow in Kindergarten.

I don't get to watch them fall in love.

I don't even get Christmas.

That would SUCK SO MANY BALLS.

So many.