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The weird thing is that last night as I was falling asleep, I started to plan out my next blog. I was thinking of different topics I could type about and I decided I was going to just type a list of some of my favourite songs. I love music. Almost all kinds of music. Even very very small amounts of country. As I started to list some songs in my head, I thought of Remember The Time. I remember the first time I ever saw that music video. I had to have been about 9 or 10 years old. My mom, being a huge Michael Jackson fan, had taped it off MTV, along with many other videos, clips, interviews, etc of MJ. I was instantly in love. I watched it over and over again and watched that tape so many times it began to stop working. I grew up idolizing him and everything that he did. I defended him to the death if anyone dared make fun of him. As I grew older I gained so much compassion and sympathy for this poor man who was obviously struggling with some mental issues. I know that he never did anything sexual to those boys. He was simply trying to regain his innocence. Just trying to surround himself with children, so he could feel like one again. The poor guy was literally thrown into pop superstardom from a toddler and raised directly in the spotlight. You can't really expect someone to grow up like that and be normal.

When Landon called me today and told me that Michale Jackson died, I thought it was a rumour. Just like when I heard that Soulja Boy died. I had just heard about an hour before about Ed McMahon, and Farrah Fawcett, so it seemed to be too much to be true. I googled Michael to see what I could find, and all the news reports couldn't confirm that he had died, just that he had suffered from cardiac arrest. I don't think I've ever been more delusional with optimism. I am usually quite the realist but this affected me differently. Michael Jackson can't die. He's not even a person to begin with. He's an icon, a legend, a I can't find the right word right now. Michael Jackson is immortal. I was going to to go to London. I was going to steal someone's tickets and I was going to watch him sing and dance and I was going to cry from being overwhelmed with emotion.

When Chris Farely died, I cried like a baby. I eventually pulled myself together, telling myself that crying over someone you've never even met is ridiculous. With this though, I have some strange feeling all over my body. I don't want to move, I don't want to talk, I don't want to cry, I just want to watch CNN all night long. I just want to listen to him sing, watch him dance, imagine that I was born in the fifties like I should've been so I could've had more of a chance to see him in person. I am, to say the least, devastated at the loss of my beloved King of Pop. He is the soundtrack of my life. He is what I compare every other music too. It's not right, it's not fair, and I don't know how long its going to take me to get over this.

Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving

ESFPs love people, excitement, telling stories and having fun. The spontaneous, impulsive nature of this type is almost always entertaining. And ESFPs love to entertain -- on stage, at work, and/or at home. Social gatherings are an energy boost to these "people" people.

SPs sometimes think and talk in more of a spider-web approach. Several of my ESFP friends jump from thought to thought in mid-sentence, touching here or there in a manner that's almost incoherent to the listener, but will eventually cover the waterfront by skipping on impulse from one piece of information to another. It's really quite fascinating.

New! ESFPs are attracted to new ideas, new fashions, new gadgets, new ______. Perhaps it's the newness of life that attracts ESFPs to elementary education, especially to preschool and kindergarten.

ESFPs love to talk to people about people. Some of the most colorful storytellers are ESFPs. Their down-to-earth, often homespun wit reflects a mischievous benevolence.

Almost every ESFP loves to talk. Some can be identified by the twenty minute conversation required to ask or answer a simple factual question.

Functional Analysis:

Extroverted Sensing

The dominant function of ESFPs is concerned with the reality that is perceived through the senses. This type's prime directive is to examine the tangible through taste, touch, sight, feeling and hearing. ESFPs' need for new experiences surely results from this function. Feeling gives focus to the collected information, producing the amiable nature of this type. As perceivers, ESFPs do not linger on moral concerns unless it is in service of a Greater Good and/or a unifying cause.

Introverted Feeling

Feeling, which tends to decision-making in the interest of individual beings, is auxiliary to sensing. As with all introverted functions, feeling for ESFPs has a surreal, cryptic, quintessential nature. It is more often implied than verbally expressed, more apparent in countenance and deed rather than word or creed. Feeling takes care that playful pokes and pranks do no harm to the victim.

Extroverted Thinking

This tertiary function is at the ready to give definitive answers when the world requires them. It provides a measure of balance to Introverted Feeling, allowing the ESFP some level of boundary and protection from those who would take advantage. When overused or overestimated, however, Thinking becomes a liability. ESFPs do well to seek out confirmation of the soundness of tough-minded decisions.

Introverted Intuition

This function is least visible. As is the nature of the inferior (fourth) function, ESFP intuition lacks a sense of balance. This type seems most successful in deducing patterns and seeing connections only after a thorough examination of the facts (which process appears quite unorganized and haphazard to non-SPs). Although some ESFPs may develop such abilities, the mastery of logic, analysis and abstraction is usually difficult and wearying, and not very much fun.

That is my personality profile. Feel free to find out your own. I found mine at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp Enjoy!

Terrific Tuesdays:

Hayden is done soccer! This is terrific because his coaches sucked some major fucking ass and I am glad I never have to see them again. Time for a new sport!

Grocery Shopping. I always feel so proud when I look at the receipt from my grocery purchase and see that I spent much much less than I intended, and again feel proud when I put all the food away at home, that there is only one or two things that could be called junk food. Crackers and cheese, iced coffee syrup and brownie mix. That's it! Yay for me!

Everyone is sleeping but me. Peace and quiet. Just the clicking of the keyboard and the sound of the fridge, and the clocks ticking, and the cars outside, and wind, and the random apartment creaks, and the water from someone else's suite, and the sound of Landon snoring, and the sound of me chewing on a straw.......ahhh. Sweet sweet quiet.

Tiger Lilies. The most beautiful orange thing in the world.

Volunteer Luncheon at Hayden's school tomorrow for me! Yay!! Free food for helping out some kids for a year. I am awesome.

Terrific Tuesdays

I realize that it is Wednesday, but I was busy yesterday, and, am again busy today. So this entry will be quick and quaint. I will try to come back later tonight to write something more, because there is a few things that I would like to type about. Right now though, just a few things that are terrific. Air conditioning. Without it, I would have melted yesterday. Photographs. I take a thousand a day, and that still isn't enough. Videographs. Also I don't take enough of those. Not even close. I need to do that more. Coca-Cola. Oh how I love thee. Possibly more than my own children at times. Well, not likely. But it does feel like it when its 30 degrees outside and I haven't had a Coke in a while, and Landon comes home with a nice cold 2-litre. Mmmmm good.

Beauty Is On The Outside

For a few years I have been thinking about shaving my head. There had always been reasons why I couldn't at the time. Graduating, dating, work, not being married yet and the chance that Landon could possibly not want to marry a bald woman, etc. But all those reasons are behind me now, and there is nothing holding me back. This summer, I will shave all my hair off. I'm curious to see what I would look like, what my natural hair colour is, how much of my natural colour is now grey, what the shape of my head is, and how many birthmarks I have up there. Its one part of my body that has always been covered, and I'm interested to see what's under there. It reminds me of highschool, I had this biology teacher, Mr. Heseltine. He had a beard. I had never seen nor heard of him ever NOT having a beard. I was curious what was under there. I heard there was a giant birthmark that he covered up, or maybe a little leprechaun lived in there, who knows. I need a wig though. I know that I look atrocious is short hair, so I will need a wig for a few years to cover up the bad times. I'm really excited. I can't wait to have a mohawk for a few days, and dye it red. BRIGHT red. I can't wait for my parents to have heart attacks. I can't wait for Landon to not touch me for two years. I can't wait to have more hair on my arms than on my head. I can't wait!!!!!!!! This is going to be awesome. I only live once, and there is no reason why I shouldn't do the things I want. Its not going to hurt anyone. And this way people will believe me when I tell them that Alexander gets his blond hair from his mother. My daddy is going to be so happy to see the blond and only the blond. Of course I will dye it when it gets long enough to not hide under a wig anymore, but at least he can enjoy it for a little bit. My kids are going to hate me. Awesome.

The Elusive Moose

I don't know what I'm doing. I've tried to type a blog for the last three days but to no avail. The subject I want to type about is religion, and how it is a complete farce, and what I should teach my children. Every time I type out an entire entry, I delete it for fear of the comments. You see, I have a hard time backing up a lot of my opinions because I don't know how with facts and logical explanations. People need those, otherwise what I say is just offensive. I'm having a hard time teaching my children the truth about the world when Christianity keeps punching me in the face. I am not a Christian and strongly believe that there is no GOD or any of that shit. No, I don't believe it, I KNOW it. My issue is what to teach my kids. Hayden prays from time to time, remembering what I used to teach him before I discovered the truth, and Landon urges me to not to express my atheist opinions in front of the kids for fear of crushing their hopes and dreams of a simple, "God is Life" bullshit faith. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I am very adamant about teaching my boys the truth and reality of life, and Christianity is far from it. I want to be able to teach them what I know, and let them decide for themselves, but I find it extremely difficult to let them be so ignorant and naive.

Terrific Tuesdays

This is not a mom blog. Not that I have anything against mom blogs, but I didn't want to make one. I talk about my children enough, and needed this blog to be more about me as a person, rather than me as a mother. But today I am going to talk about my babies. Its hard to not talk about them all the time, because I love them so much. I will try not to brag too much, but it will be hard because they are so awesome.

Alexander turned 8 months old today. He sits by himself, rolls around, scoots across the floor, walks if you hold his hands, claps, coos, giggles, blabs, eats everything on the floor, and has two teeth of his very own. He is actually quite advanced for his age, and don't get me wrong I am very proud, but I would really appreciate it if he would slow down just a bit. The last 5 years of Hayden's life seem like a blur to me. Its gone way way way too fast. He has grown up so fast that I barely had time to enjoy every little thing. Each milestone flew by, and Alex is definitely keeping up with his brother. I hate it. I really do. Its too fast. Its too much for me to handle. I love my babies, and I want to enjoy them for as long as I possibly can before they leave me. Its going too fast. My childhood did not go this fast.

Hayden finishes Kindergarten in a couple weeks. FINISHES Kindergarten. Which means he will be going into grade one. He will be going to school five days a week for 6 and a half hours for the next 12 years. I am never going to have my baby back. I am never going to be able to spend the whole day with him doing whatever we want. He will be playing with his friends every chance he gets. He is going to get older and older and farther and farther away from me. Its not fair. Why bless me with a child just so I can watch him slowly grow away from me? Why???? There are parts of me that can't wait until he's a teenager, so I can creep on him and his girly friends with rice krispie squares and tang, but can't that wait another 20 years? Not 10? Even less than that! Teenagers are younger now than they were when I was one Goddammit. I wish I could give him some anti growth hormone that wouldn't fuck up with nature, and just sort of slow time.

As much as I hate to think of my kids growing up, I think back on the last 5 and a half years of my life and feel nothing but pride. I never thought that I could be so proud of someone who just learned how to clap, or how eat from a spoon, or how to wave, or other medeocre things. Hayden is the smartest kid in his class. His teacher told me that if I hadn't put him in a French school, he would be a problem student, because he would be bored. Hayden really is brilliant. He always has been. BUT he is a very, very, VERY busy boy. Not a lot of people can understand his behaviour. His brain moves much faster than the rest of his body, and so he can repeat himself many times before he can figure out how to say outloud, how he is feeling inside. Many people get frustrated with him, but not me. I adore it. I love watching him and listening to him talk. He amazes me everyday with his intillect. And he is so nice. He loves everyone. He is such a good big brother too. I couldn't ask for anyone better. He helps me with Alex all the time. He's so good with his baby brother, that I sometimes wonder if I could just leave them home alone. Hahahahaha yeah right! Hayden maybe excellent, but I am not a stupid mother.

I am certainly not a stupid mother. Not to be conceited, but I am a wonderful mom. I fill my home with love, respect, and education. A child really doesn't need much more than that. I do wish that I could give my children everything, but that would not make them decent adults. Spoiled children turn into spoiled adults, and no one likes spoiled adults. They're either big mama's boys, or fucking pricks.

To be honest, I am having a very difficult time writing this blog. I haven't had much free time lately, and so I took an oppurtunity while Alex was napping to start this. Since I have started though, he has woken up, and the whole time, Hayden was crawling all over me and everything else. Its hard for me to concentrate when Hayden says, "Can I play Lego Batman now?" every five minutes. I apologize that it isn't my best work.

TERRIFIC TUESDAYS!
My kids are angels
The weather is perfect
Coca-Cola
My countertop dishwasher