Friday
Happy Birthday
I tell you all the time that I don't deserve to have you as a friend. You're an incredible person with an incredible heart. You're generous, compassionate, loving, understanding, tolerant, smart, mature, and incredibly beautiful. You're always there for me when I need you and you're always willing to listen when I call you just to talk your ear off for an hour. I have nothing but the utmost pride for you and the decisions you've made throughout your life. You're an impeccable mother and a perfect wife. You inspire me to be a better person everyday simply by just living your own life. You never fail to make the best choices, and you never make me feel like I'm stupid, even when I do really stupid things. I've always looked up to you and I always will. Even though I'm older, and have a bit more life experience in certain aspects, I still look to you for advice and your thoughts on the situation. We've had our ups and downs and we've had our falling outs and falling back ins but no matter what has happened the last 24 years, one thing remains, you are my best and greatest friend. I love you more than you could ever comprehend and my relationship with you is worth more than most other things in my life. I could spend the rest of my life making it up to you for all the shit I have done to you, and all the wonderful things you have done for me and it still wouldn't be enough. I have never once forgotten who you are and what you mean to me. I could not survive without you in my life Amanda. You are my soulmate in friendship and I will never ever let you leave my life. I love you to the very end of time. Happy Birthday
Monday
Tunes
I love music. I listen to a lot of different music. There are some songs that I will listen to once, and even though I like it, forget about it until several years later when I hear it on a commercial and yell, "Oh my god I love that song! I'm downloading it right now!", and then stick it on my iPod and listen to it a hundred times within 3 days...until I forget about it again. I love that about music. So memorable. It sticks to you, forever. Sometimes I will come across a song that will speak to me. Sometimes a song I've never heard before, sometimes a song I've heard a hundred times but never really listened to, or it just didn't really pertain to me at the time. Its rare that I'll hear a song in which EVERY word relates to me and my life. Sometimes its just a sentence, or a verse, or just the chorus. Today I decided to listen to Limp Bizkit. I was obsessed with them in highschool. I wanted to get their name tattooed on my back and marry Fred Durst, who looked exactly like Barrett Misiwich. I was enjoying the old memories, and singing along to every song when this one came along:
Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
Who witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
It seems that you're not satisfied
There's too much on your mind
So you leave and I can't believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
You're no good
For me
Thank God its over
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
Cryin' on me
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
Dyin' on me!
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
(You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me until its over and I won't be
the same)
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
Be the same
Just think about it
You'll get it
Thank you www.lyrics007.com!
Now, not every word matches my feelings, like anything relating to how "we're through" or whatever....but EVERYTHING else. I know this song was written about a girlfriend, or possibly a male friend, but to me, it was written about my mother. Christmas is only 5....4 days away and I'm terrified. The last time I talked to her was over a week ago, and it was terrible. I hung up the phone and cried and cried. I called Betty and she came to my rescue, but in a way, it makes it worse being with her when I'm having issues with Mother Dearest. She may understand how it is for me, but she won't back me up if it came to a Bold Defiance Fight. She requires us to bullshit through everything in order for everyone to be happy, and my brother and sister just aren't ready to stop bullshitting yet. If I decide that I don't want to be like that anymore, that means I'll be banished away forever, alone. Just me and my Landon family. So I don't know what to do. Do I say to my mom on Christmas Day, "I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to make you hate me so much and I promise to never do it again..." or do I stand up and fight back to her and her delirium, all alone, while the rest of my family watch in astonishment as she tells nme how much of a failure I am to her? All the while ignoring their urges to stand up with me for fear of receiving the same treatment. Is it better to lie and bullshit so everyone is happy but me? Or to fight for what I fucking believe in? I fucking hate Christmas.
Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
Who witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
It seems that you're not satisfied
There's too much on your mind
So you leave and I can't believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
You're no good
For me
Thank God its over
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
Cryin' on me
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
Dyin' on me!
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
(You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me until its over and I won't be
the same)
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
Be the same
Just think about it
You'll get it
Thank you www.lyrics007.com!
Now, not every word matches my feelings, like anything relating to how "we're through" or whatever....but EVERYTHING else. I know this song was written about a girlfriend, or possibly a male friend, but to me, it was written about my mother. Christmas is only 5....4 days away and I'm terrified. The last time I talked to her was over a week ago, and it was terrible. I hung up the phone and cried and cried. I called Betty and she came to my rescue, but in a way, it makes it worse being with her when I'm having issues with Mother Dearest. She may understand how it is for me, but she won't back me up if it came to a Bold Defiance Fight. She requires us to bullshit through everything in order for everyone to be happy, and my brother and sister just aren't ready to stop bullshitting yet. If I decide that I don't want to be like that anymore, that means I'll be banished away forever, alone. Just me and my Landon family. So I don't know what to do. Do I say to my mom on Christmas Day, "I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to make you hate me so much and I promise to never do it again..." or do I stand up and fight back to her and her delirium, all alone, while the rest of my family watch in astonishment as she tells nme how much of a failure I am to her? All the while ignoring their urges to stand up with me for fear of receiving the same treatment. Is it better to lie and bullshit so everyone is happy but me? Or to fight for what I fucking believe in? I fucking hate Christmas.
Wednesday
Last Night I Had A Dream That I Was Sleeping With Bob Saget.......the illest motherfucker in a cardigan sweater
Even though I like attention, and I love to talk about myself, I am glad I decided to make this blog private. When I first started it, the thought of it being private nearly sickened me, but since I've started writing, it's begun to seem more and more wise to choose my readers carefully. Today though, I wish it was completely totally utterly private. There are some things that I just need to vent about, but without anybody being able to hear what I have to say...except maybe Betty.
In my last post I had stated that I am happy. "Beyond happy" I think I may have said. Well, that was a lie. I don't usually lie, one, because I'm not very good at it anymore (used to be!), and two, because there really is no fucking point. I do lie about stupid things that don't matter, like how much money I have, like that there is a Santa and a Tooth Fairy, but I don't tend to lie about my emotions. I said that I was happy because I was trying to prove my parents wrong. They are wrong, but I don't need to say that I am happy to prove that. I am unhappy, not because I don't have GOD in my heart, but because my parents hate me. Because I have to work instead of being at home. Because I'm lazy and unmotivated. Because I let my kids stay up until midnight on a school night because I am too busy blogging to realize what's going on. Because I could really care less that Christmas Day is ten days away. Because I don't have enough money to give my babies a good Christmas. Because I live in an apartment, I don't have a puppy or a kitty, I don't have art on my walls, I don't have a clean home, I don't have good sleeps, I don't have I don't have I don't have. I want I want I want. That's all my mind is focused on lately. Instead of being grateful for what I have, I'm depressed about the things I don't have. I was coping decently with my sudden onset of depression until that fateful Sunday evening when my fucking parents stole my pride and self worth right from under me. Since then I haven't been able to take care of myself. I am a strong, stubborn, opinionated and passionate young woman. I always want to learn and explore and debate and question and hear your opinion on the matter. I want to defend to death my rights and my freedoms. I want to kick your fucking ass if you insult my family. But I can't anymore. You can tell me I am wrong, and I will say, "okay". My defence has been broken and all I can do is cry. I can't sleep anymore because as soon as its quiet, everything I've been trying to ignore all day comes creeping in, louder and louder. My mother and her hateful attitude. My father and his disappointment, my boss and his "SELL SELL SELL", my paycheck and its "$0.00", my sister and her stupidity, my brother and his priorities, my kids and their boredom, my husband and his loneliness, my pain. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, if ever. I must have done something terrible to deserve this, but I just can't figure out what it is. I will own up to it if that means I won't have to feel like this anymore.
My dreams, as I have mentioned before, are always very vivid. When I am depressed or stressed, they seem to get more vivid, and sometimes lucid. I like lucid dreams most of the time, but lately they seem to riddled with sex and alcohol. In my dreams I am a slutty alcoholic while my kids and my Landon watch from the sidelines. I don't know what this means, and I don't know why its happening. Everything I do hurts. I don't get peace no matter what. Maybe I do need God and his everlasting love. Maybe I do need to give up my free will to some unseen force to be happy. I'll pray tonight, and I'll let you know where it gets me.
In my last post I had stated that I am happy. "Beyond happy" I think I may have said. Well, that was a lie. I don't usually lie, one, because I'm not very good at it anymore (used to be!), and two, because there really is no fucking point. I do lie about stupid things that don't matter, like how much money I have, like that there is a Santa and a Tooth Fairy, but I don't tend to lie about my emotions. I said that I was happy because I was trying to prove my parents wrong. They are wrong, but I don't need to say that I am happy to prove that. I am unhappy, not because I don't have GOD in my heart, but because my parents hate me. Because I have to work instead of being at home. Because I'm lazy and unmotivated. Because I let my kids stay up until midnight on a school night because I am too busy blogging to realize what's going on. Because I could really care less that Christmas Day is ten days away. Because I don't have enough money to give my babies a good Christmas. Because I live in an apartment, I don't have a puppy or a kitty, I don't have art on my walls, I don't have a clean home, I don't have good sleeps, I don't have I don't have I don't have. I want I want I want. That's all my mind is focused on lately. Instead of being grateful for what I have, I'm depressed about the things I don't have. I was coping decently with my sudden onset of depression until that fateful Sunday evening when my fucking parents stole my pride and self worth right from under me. Since then I haven't been able to take care of myself. I am a strong, stubborn, opinionated and passionate young woman. I always want to learn and explore and debate and question and hear your opinion on the matter. I want to defend to death my rights and my freedoms. I want to kick your fucking ass if you insult my family. But I can't anymore. You can tell me I am wrong, and I will say, "okay". My defence has been broken and all I can do is cry. I can't sleep anymore because as soon as its quiet, everything I've been trying to ignore all day comes creeping in, louder and louder. My mother and her hateful attitude. My father and his disappointment, my boss and his "SELL SELL SELL", my paycheck and its "$0.00", my sister and her stupidity, my brother and his priorities, my kids and their boredom, my husband and his loneliness, my pain. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, if ever. I must have done something terrible to deserve this, but I just can't figure out what it is. I will own up to it if that means I won't have to feel like this anymore.
My dreams, as I have mentioned before, are always very vivid. When I am depressed or stressed, they seem to get more vivid, and sometimes lucid. I like lucid dreams most of the time, but lately they seem to riddled with sex and alcohol. In my dreams I am a slutty alcoholic while my kids and my Landon watch from the sidelines. I don't know what this means, and I don't know why its happening. Everything I do hurts. I don't get peace no matter what. Maybe I do need God and his everlasting love. Maybe I do need to give up my free will to some unseen force to be happy. I'll pray tonight, and I'll let you know where it gets me.
Fucking Starbucks And Their Stupid Six Dollar Peppermint Mocha Taking All My Money
I haven't written anything for a while. Ever since the end of November happened, I haven't really felt like doing anything that draws attention to myself. I usually quite like attention but I got in some real deep shit for expressing my feelings recently, and now am scared that it will happen again. This isn't really my nature you know, hiding from people and caring about what they think, but my MOTHER and her wonderful judgments have sort of changed the way I live right now. I love her, to death, and I always will, but she is so mean to me. Her and my father have all these expectations of me to be smart and responsible and healthy and taking care of myself, which are all fine expectations....normally. But to them, being smart means BOOK smarts, and because I didn't go to university, and will never go to university because university is a big fucking stupid waste of time and money (for me), I am not as smart as I should be. You have so much potential. Being smart also means that I am not allowed to think for myself. I am allowed to listen to what my parents say is what and that's it. Don't question me. Don't ask me why. I don't like talking to you anymore because all you do is debate everything I say. WELL YES I DO! Because not everything you say is right MOTHER. Not everything you say is accurate and truthful. I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHEEP!!!! Goddammit. Oh and speaking of GOD almighty, I'm also not allowed to ask questions about HIM. I am a human, and therefore have my own human rights. I am more than fortunate enough to live in a country that allows me the freedom to say whatever it is I want to say, allows me the freedom of my own sexual orientation (to a degree), the freedom to do what I want to my own body (to a degree), and the freedom to my OWN FUCKING RELIGION! Which at this point is NOTHING so I'm not even hurting anyone. I really don't care if you believe in God or if you worship Buddah or if you're stupid enough to believe in lizard people or alien gods. That is your right and your choice. As it is MY right and MY choice. I'm not pushing my thoughts on other people, unless they ask. I'm not forcing my beliefs on anyone, INCLUDING my family, so why and how is it possible that I am, selfish, negative, unhappy, pessimistic, unloving, empty, lost...etc etc? I am the least selfish person I know. I am not negative. I am not. I have negative moments, but so does everyone. I am FAR from unhappy. Beyond far. I am also quite a distance from empty. I feel very full aside from the fact that I desperately need a hobby besides this BLOG. You will never be happy and full of love until you let God into your heart. Hmm. If I think back to the most depressing time of my life, it was also, no word of a lie, the most CHRISTIAN part of my life. Explain that one! My brother and sisters...especially my KING of a brother, are PERFECT in the eyes of my parents. They can literally do no wrong. No matter how many times they clearly make IDIOTIC mistakes, no matter how many times they use and abuse everyone around them including my parents and myself, they're still better than me. They always will be. They'll always get treated like helpless babies. They'll always get treated like little angels. Johnathan publicly treats women like SHIT and all they say is, he was treated badly by his first girlfriend, so its okay. Betty lets herself be abused, she uses everyone around her, she's happy leeching off everyone else instead of taking care of herself and all they say, that's Betty. Oh, and if you give her any more money, you're bad and wrong, but ignore it when we give her WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS. I love you Betty, and I love you Johnathan, you know that. You know how I feel better than anyone else so forgive my slandering you.
It's just not fair that I will never be good enough for them when I am clearly much smarter and more responsible than my siblings. For 26 years I've been trying to impress them, and I'm gonna keep trying always knowing that it won't make a difference. It doesn't matter what I do. I could win the Nobel prize and they still would say something like, yeah that's nice Casey-Lynn but guess what your sister did today? She bought her very own car! Yes she bought it off us and technically she hasn't paid us anything yet but she will be making monthly payments....well, she'll make one monthly payment and then lose her job so she won't be able to afford monthly payments but we'll still let her keep the car and give her money for cigarettes and gas to visit her abusive boyfriend in jail. Oh, she's so wonderful.
It's just not fair that I will never be good enough for them when I am clearly much smarter and more responsible than my siblings. For 26 years I've been trying to impress them, and I'm gonna keep trying always knowing that it won't make a difference. It doesn't matter what I do. I could win the Nobel prize and they still would say something like, yeah that's nice Casey-Lynn but guess what your sister did today? She bought her very own car! Yes she bought it off us and technically she hasn't paid us anything yet but she will be making monthly payments....well, she'll make one monthly payment and then lose her job so she won't be able to afford monthly payments but we'll still let her keep the car and give her money for cigarettes and gas to visit her abusive boyfriend in jail. Oh, she's so wonderful.
Monday
Apology
You may have noticed a change to my blog. I have privatized it. I have a sneaking suspicion that my mother has read my blog. As much as I love her, the last thing I want is for her to have another reason to make me feel like I'm not good enough.
On November 18th of this year, I wrote something on my blog out of pure anger and pain. It has been brought to my attention that this post hurt someone I love. I never intended that to happen. I have no excuses for my behaviour and I am terribly terribly sorry. I do need to clear something up though. When I said, "the funeral was an absolute nightmare", I didn't mean anything other than the fact that it was a funeral for someone I loved, and there were people there that I really REALLY didn't want to see. Other than that, it was really a beautiful service. Very emotional, very intense, but beautiful. It was perfect for my Auntie. I also need to explain that when I said, "her pain was self inflicted" I didn't mean that she had done this to herself on purpose. I don't know what I meant by that exactly. I think that at that point, when I was typing, I was just so full of anger and pain that I wanted to blame everything on her. This was not right. My Auntie was a wonderful, caring, loving, passionate, selfless, generous, strong, determined, beautiful woman. She would have done, and did, anything for everyone else. Richard did not "fuck off" as in abandoned anyone, to Alberta. He just left to be himself for a while, and I shouldn't be mad at him for that. I was jealous, if anything. Incredibly jealous. When I wrote that post, I let my anger and pain take over my sense of reason and respect and for that I am remorseful. Please forgive me for what I put you through while reading that. It wasn't fair to you. I have since deleted that post, which goes against one of my very strong beliefs, but if it's causing pain to someone I love, I will do anything I can. I believe in freedom of speech and non censorship, but I also strongly believe in respect, and I respected no one with that. Next time I am feeling angry I will be more careful with that I say. If I ever do anything to you that causes you pain again, please tell me. I love you very much, and I cannot express how deeply shamed I am for what I did to you. Please forgive me.
On November 18th of this year, I wrote something on my blog out of pure anger and pain. It has been brought to my attention that this post hurt someone I love. I never intended that to happen. I have no excuses for my behaviour and I am terribly terribly sorry. I do need to clear something up though. When I said, "the funeral was an absolute nightmare", I didn't mean anything other than the fact that it was a funeral for someone I loved, and there were people there that I really REALLY didn't want to see. Other than that, it was really a beautiful service. Very emotional, very intense, but beautiful. It was perfect for my Auntie. I also need to explain that when I said, "her pain was self inflicted" I didn't mean that she had done this to herself on purpose. I don't know what I meant by that exactly. I think that at that point, when I was typing, I was just so full of anger and pain that I wanted to blame everything on her. This was not right. My Auntie was a wonderful, caring, loving, passionate, selfless, generous, strong, determined, beautiful woman. She would have done, and did, anything for everyone else. Richard did not "fuck off" as in abandoned anyone, to Alberta. He just left to be himself for a while, and I shouldn't be mad at him for that. I was jealous, if anything. Incredibly jealous. When I wrote that post, I let my anger and pain take over my sense of reason and respect and for that I am remorseful. Please forgive me for what I put you through while reading that. It wasn't fair to you. I have since deleted that post, which goes against one of my very strong beliefs, but if it's causing pain to someone I love, I will do anything I can. I believe in freedom of speech and non censorship, but I also strongly believe in respect, and I respected no one with that. Next time I am feeling angry I will be more careful with that I say. If I ever do anything to you that causes you pain again, please tell me. I love you very much, and I cannot express how deeply shamed I am for what I did to you. Please forgive me.
Thursday
FUCKING MEMORY!!!
I forgot one of the most wonderful days! I knew I would. When I was writing the draft in my head last night I remembered it but of course, when I'm typing I forget. Goddammit I suck. Anyways, seeing Tool in concert was definately one of the best days of my life. FAN FUCKING TASTIC show and I was with my wonderful friends at the time, who, due to unspoken circumstances at this point, are no longer my friends. Its a great memory, one that I will cherish forever.
The Most Wonderul Moments Of My Life....that I can remember
I've been feeling a tad bit depressed lately. Stress is a killer and I have A LOT, especially this time of year. I'm also sick, with something permanent, and its scaring the shit out of me. So today, I have decided to remember, as best as I can, the most wonderful moments I have experienced. This list is subject to change, so be aware. I have the shittiest memory known to man, so forgetting something important is inevitable during this process. Please bear with me. Oh, and this is in no particular order....just what first comes to mind.
The day my Hayden was born
The day my Alexander was born
The day I met Landon
The day I married Landon. It took me six and a half years and two children later to finally marry him. He is my soul mate, my one and only, my everything and I know this for sure. We've been through more than any couple should be allowed, and I still love him unconditionally, more than I ever imagined possible, and it gets better every single day
The day I put in my two weeks notice at Tomas Cook
The day I quit drinking, and today, because I am still sober. Almost 4 years.
The days that I spend at my mom and dad's with my brother, sisters, Nicole, Landon and my babes. Just laughing and playing and making fun of Betty. When Johnathan's in the mood to rough house with me, and there's turkey and my mom's stuffing and the best fucking pumkpin pie you will EVER have.
The day my dad told his family about his diagnoses of lymphoma. I know, it seems strange to have this as one of the best times, when it also one of the worst. It opened my eyes, and made me realize that you can NEVER think, "it won't happen to me". He was the LAST person I expected in my family to get sick, and he did. It helped me to express my emotions whenever I had the chance. To love who and what I love with never ending passion, and to hate the same way. You can't have love without hate!
The day Ezekiel was born. The closest thing to a nephew I have, or what looks to be, I will ever have.
Richard's wedding. I got to hang out with Rhonda, and meet Telysa, her daughter, for the first time in like 14 years, or however old she is
The day I got my tattoo
Today, because I am still so fortunate to have both of my beautiful, wonderful, perfect children and my beautiful, wonderful, perfect husband. I also have my closest, bestest friends, and my family, minus one. But, I am thankful, that even though I hate with every essence of my being, the fact that my Auntie has left me, no one else close to me has. I still have them.
Today I am at peace, for now
The day my Hayden was born
The day my Alexander was born
The day I met Landon
The day I married Landon. It took me six and a half years and two children later to finally marry him. He is my soul mate, my one and only, my everything and I know this for sure. We've been through more than any couple should be allowed, and I still love him unconditionally, more than I ever imagined possible, and it gets better every single day
The day I put in my two weeks notice at Tomas Cook
The day I quit drinking, and today, because I am still sober. Almost 4 years.
The days that I spend at my mom and dad's with my brother, sisters, Nicole, Landon and my babes. Just laughing and playing and making fun of Betty. When Johnathan's in the mood to rough house with me, and there's turkey and my mom's stuffing and the best fucking pumkpin pie you will EVER have.
The day my dad told his family about his diagnoses of lymphoma. I know, it seems strange to have this as one of the best times, when it also one of the worst. It opened my eyes, and made me realize that you can NEVER think, "it won't happen to me". He was the LAST person I expected in my family to get sick, and he did. It helped me to express my emotions whenever I had the chance. To love who and what I love with never ending passion, and to hate the same way. You can't have love without hate!
The day Ezekiel was born. The closest thing to a nephew I have, or what looks to be, I will ever have.
Richard's wedding. I got to hang out with Rhonda, and meet Telysa, her daughter, for the first time in like 14 years, or however old she is
The day I got my tattoo
Today, because I am still so fortunate to have both of my beautiful, wonderful, perfect children and my beautiful, wonderful, perfect husband. I also have my closest, bestest friends, and my family, minus one. But, I am thankful, that even though I hate with every essence of my being, the fact that my Auntie has left me, no one else close to me has. I still have them.
Today I am at peace, for now
Saturday
List
I like lists. They're a simple and quick way to get my point across. I also like to read lists. Same reason. PLUS, it makes a decent post when I really have nothing much else to say. I think it's good to hate things. It keeps a healthy balance. You can't have love without hate, and I have a lot of love, so naturally, should have a lot of hate. The only problem when expressing what I hate, is that I may be labeled as a "racist" or "closed minded." Whatever. I am allowed to hate and love whomever and whatever I want, so shut the fuck up.
Things I Hate....And Maybe Some Reasons Why, Depending On How I Am Feeling At That Particular Moment When I Type The Thing That I Hate:
1. China. Probably my most hated of all things. If you don't know why I hate China, try researching China. Then you'll understand....unless of course you are from China......no, even Chinese people hate China.
2. The Wayans brothers.
3. Porridge. Elch. I've tried it enough times, in enough different ways to know that I hate this goopy, shitty tasting mess of soggy oats. Who wants to eat soggy anything?
4. Yogurt Drinks. If I wanted to drink yogurt, I would let my cup of yogurt sit out for an hour, stir it around a bit, stick a straw in it and slurp.
5. Slutty girls. I know its obvious, but I just felt that I needed to add it to the list.
6. Death.
Things I Hate....And Maybe Some Reasons Why, Depending On How I Am Feeling At That Particular Moment When I Type The Thing That I Hate:
1. China. Probably my most hated of all things. If you don't know why I hate China, try researching China. Then you'll understand....unless of course you are from China......no, even Chinese people hate China.
2. The Wayans brothers.
3. Porridge. Elch. I've tried it enough times, in enough different ways to know that I hate this goopy, shitty tasting mess of soggy oats. Who wants to eat soggy anything?
4. Yogurt Drinks. If I wanted to drink yogurt, I would let my cup of yogurt sit out for an hour, stir it around a bit, stick a straw in it and slurp.
5. Slutty girls. I know its obvious, but I just felt that I needed to add it to the list.
6. Death.
Sunday
Twihard
Harry Potter is a juvenile franchise that has sucked in many people, young and old, over the last several years. I chose to NOT be part of this fan club, mainly thanks to my mother. I did however, watch the movies, and enjoy them, but never ever wanted to read the books. My mother is OBSESSED with Harry Potter. She talks about the characters as if they are her friends, and she's known them forever and was with them every step of the way as they grew into the young adults they are. When the Twilight frenzy started, I adamantly denied having anything to do with it. ANYTHING. No movie watching, no magazine reading, definitely no book reading. My sister in law, or, no, still sister in law.....fell victim to the Twilight frenzy, and I constantly made fun of her, until, she came home with a poster of Edward. Beautiful, beautiful Edward Cullen, or Robert Pattinson, who actually isn't that attractive as a mere human. Wizard, slightly attractive. Vampire, makes me feel like what I think menopause is going to feel like....hot, confused, lost, horny. What the hell is it about vampires that makes us girls get all crazy? I never really was into vampires and shit before this. And, to be honest, I still am not really into it. I started watching True Blood, but to be truthfully honest, it's actually a really good show, nothing to do with the vampires. Anyway, Twilight............I read the first book. I read it in a week. The fastest I ever read a book. I read New Moon right away, then Eclipse, then Breaking Dawn. And, I can't get enough of this shit. The movie Twilight is a terrible movie I know. Really really shitty. Very bad direction, not that great acting, not very well written, etc etc, BUT, for some stupid fucking reason, I've watched it more times than any other movie besides Toy Story and Mean Girls. I consider myself a sane, educated, and intellectual person, and pride myself in learning from my mother's mistakes. So why the hell is it that every time I turn around, I am becoming more and more like her????? Why the fuck have I become some spaced out retard high on Twi-crack? I can't watch enough interviews, look at enough pictures, watch enough trailers and teasers and read enough tabloids about these fuckers Kristen, Rob and Taylor. I even watched Much on Demand the other day. Much on Demand!!!!! Oh my god! And you always hear, that insane people don't know they're insane, so I need to ask, am I crazy? AM I? I just need to hear another intellectual, well educated, older than 25 year old is obsessed as much as I am, is excited as much as I am for New Moon. I need them to tell me that I'm okay, that I am not my mother, that I am not a Twihard, or Twimom (stupidest name ever), and tell me it's okay to like something so juvenile, because it makes me feel like a kid, and its okay to lose yourself in a world of fantasy every once in a while.............I'm okay. I'm not crazy.
Wednesday
My Everything
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby, when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts, I can see your dreams
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby, you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you
Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you
Tuesday
I'm sorry, I know it's been a while. But, like I did mention previously....I hate November. I've been kind of distracted. Aside from my list of significant events, I'm also stressing about work, and getting Hayden's birthday party set up. I know, I should've had it done already. Shut up okay?? I know. I have been trying for many weeks to book a party where I can invite as many kids as Hayden wants, and it won't cost me a gazillion dollars. So I've been putting my trust in someone else to book a school gym, where the kids can play with balls, play musical chairs, play with those scooter things, maybe even some high jump mats, and then have pizza and cake. This someone else is TAKING FOREVER and I am afraid that I am going to have to give everyone two days notice, and then everyone is going to complain that I only gave them two days notice, but really people......is two days notice not enough???? I will be taking your kids away from you for like 3 hours on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, so what exactly do you have to complain about? Go shopping, go get a tan, go do whatever it is hip mothers do now a days. And if you have the argument of, "There wasn't enough time to get a present", shut the fuck up you asshole. It doesn't take you a WEEK to get a gift for a six year old boy. Go to Wal-Mart, buy a spiderman, then leave. WOW. 15 minutes. Or even better, a gift card. You don't even have to think for that one.
One a side note, November will be filled with lots of fucking and punching, and if you don't like it, stop reading until December 1st.
One a side note, November will be filled with lots of fucking and punching, and if you don't like it, stop reading until December 1st.
Sunday
November
I HATE November. Halloween is over, my oldest son gets older, I spend a lot more money than at any other time of year, and I am reminded of the loved ones I have lost. Also, the further it gets into November, the closer it gets to Christmas. Christmas and I have a love/hate relationship. I love giving as much as I can give, but I never can give enough, and I HATE all the flamboyant bullshit draped in every hall of every building and I HATE all the happy joy joy Christmas movies about how Santa is real and the meaning of Christmas is love and blah blah blah. No I am not a Scrooge, I just think Christmas has gone way to far, and its not stopping until every corporate big wig is stuffed to the size of old Kris Kringle with money. Anyway, this isn't about Christmas, its about November.
List of significant events this month that I have to, sometimes unwillingly, pay attention to:
November 3rd - my oldest son's birthday. This year he will be turning the ripe old age of six. Please stop growing Hayden. Please don't become a snotty teenager and stop cuddling with me.
November 4th - Memorial of Jonathan Dyck. Passed away at 16 some 8 years ago.
November 9th - pediatrician appointment for Hayden. This time, I'll be told that my baby still has asthma, will probably continue to have it forever, and needs an MRI or whatever they do to find neurological issues. Woo.
November 11th - Remembrance Day
November 18th - Memorial for my Auntie Denise Ruth Toussiant. It will be 4 years. This sucks.
November 20th - Child tax. Another reminder of how I make too much money to get any support from the the government, yet not enough to live comfortably, so here's $20
November 22nd - Kristen's 27th birthday. Yet another reminder of how old I am getting.
November 23rd - Memorial of Brenda Exner. Fantastic boss. Passed away from some kind of cancer 2 years ago.
November 28th - Christmas party for Landon's work. Another reason for me to feel fat and self conscious, and, watch everyone enjoy their Christmas cheer while I remember that I'm sober, and will be for rest of my life. Woo again.
Saturday
My King of Everything
I went to see This Is It on Wednesday. It was beautiful. It was simple, yet extravagant, and absolutely delightful. I could never express how much I truly loved that man. I would have given anything to have known him, to have even just met him, or just touched him. There is only one man I would ever leave my husband for, and that is Michael Jackson. I don't care how androgynous he is, or if he prefers men, or if he even prefers anything. I don't want a romantic relationship with him, I just wanna hang out with him all day every day for the rest of my life. I strongly urge everyone to see this film. Even those who believed that he was a pedophile (which he wasn't!). This movie will put Michael in a completely different light. It makes him seem happy, loving, outgoing, passionate, hardworking, a perfectionist, and above all, the best entertainer the world has ever seen. Oh god I miss him so much. Even though through the whole movie, I was happy, dancing, singing, and clapping along, by the end, I felt just how big of a loss we suffered on June 25th 2009. I was really really sad. He wasn't ready to die.My Hayden allegedly contracted the H1N1 virus. BUT, because he did not get tested, and because I did my research, and found tons of other people with the SAME symptoms lacking a cough and fever (the two most common symptoms of H1N1), I have yet to be convinced. Now, a mother always knows right? So, I KNOW that Hayden did NOT have H1N1, and was therefore unnecessarily medicated. BUT, I do know that he had a virus of some sort, because the meds did do wonders for him. It makes me feel really shitty though that while I was actually at the hospital, I didn't think of saying anything like, "please test my son", or, "is that the only diagnoses possible, given that he has NO other symptoms besides vomiting and diarrhea?" So after my baby missed 4 days of school, including one Halloween party, I continue to feel like fucking shit. If only I could have re-hydrated him myself, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have missed school, I wouldn't have missed work, and I wouldn't have an awful pit in my stomach. For the first couple days though, I did believe he had it. I was scared out of my mind. Hayden has asthma, and people with asthma who contract H1N1, have a very high fatality rate. I could not imagine how I would cope with losing my child...
P.S. Little Wayne is a really ugly little fucker
Monday
Oh, Love
I am feeling a lot of love today. To and from. Oh today is going to be a great day. Whenever I feel like this, I seem to radiate the love to other people and then everyone is happy! Except the Grinch working in the corner all by themselves, shut off from the rest of the world...but, I spread my love to them anyway, because, love can't hurt! I'm excited to go to work and spread my happiness throughout. Offices are usually stingy, quiet places but not today! I've gotten into trouble before for being "inappropriate" but I don't care. I will hug you if you look like you need a hug. And I don't care if I get written up or whatever happens to people when they sexually assault their co-workers. Love is important to make the world go round and round. I could never express enough love, and neither can you! Love love love!!!! Mmmmmmm what a fantastic day this will be!
I have this strange feeling that by 9 o'clock this evening, I will be feeling much different...........let's hope not!
I have this strange feeling that by 9 o'clock this evening, I will be feeling much different...........let's hope not!
Saturday
Here Piggy Piggy Piggy
So the Orionids have come and gone once again, and did I do outside to watch them? No. Have I ever? No. I have wanted to, but for some reason, I never get to. Something always comes up. This year....I'm pretty sure I had the swine flu. I mean, there really is no evidence to back up my claim. I haven't had a fever, or aches and pains other than my chest cavity and everything connected to it, and I didn't go to the doctor....so logically...........fuck logic. I had H1N1, and I almost died. The WORST cold I have ever had in my life. Came out of nowhere that sneaky fuck and then when I woke up today....PERFECT! WTF? How could I go from literally wishing I could go into a coma until it was gone one day, to perfection the next day? My mother used to tell us when we were kids that she couldn't afford to be sick. She didn't have time to. I always thought she was crazy because you can't choose to be sick or not, it just happens. But this week it has been proven to me that I need to be the toughest shit possible. I can't talk because it hurts, but I have to talk, I have no choice. So I do. But then, because I am talking when I shouldn't be talking, I lose my breath, and eventually, my voice. I only lost my voice for about an hour because I forced it to come back. My breath however, has yet to fully return. Even today, when I feel "perfect" I still need to take a time out every 30 minutes to have breathing time. GOD I hate being sick. And I hate even more that when I'm sick, I can't rest and take baths and go to sleep whenever I feel like it. I hate that when Landon is sick, he gets to stay home from work and lay in bed all day while I make him soup and feed him Sudafed through a tube. Aeh motherhood. I'll never give it up. Hayden lost his fourth tooth today. His first tooth he lost less than a year ago. I don't remember ever losing that many teeth in one year. He's got two that are loose as well. Well at least he doesn't expect $20 per tooth because the Tooth Fairy is not made of money....although it would be nice if she was. There are so many teeth in my house now that I think about it....and even more to come. Elch....that's gross.
Sunday
Death Bed
I am not afraid to tell anyone how I feel about them. If those feelings are negative though, I tend to be a bit more quiet. I don't outright say, "I hate you" but I still let them know in subtle ways. I can understand why some people would be afraid to tell someone else that they love them, afraid of the awkwardness or whatever, but I'm not afraid. I try think about the fact that what if something happened and I never got a chance to let them know that they were loved. I honestly try to love everyone but of course, there are those that just don't deserve my affection. I can't force myself to love someone that has a black heart. It's against my morals and everything I believe in. Love isn't the only feeling that I express freely. If you did something to piss me off, I will tell you. If you did something to make me sad, I will tell you. I prefer to be as honest as possible. BUT, if I am worried that I will hurt your feelings, I'll probably try and keep my mouth shut. I don't really like hurting people. On the honest note, I really have no secrets. I don't like secrets. They make me very weary and uncomfortable. I mean, of course there are things about myself that I don't talk about but that doesn't mean I'm going to lie if you ask me a question, no matter the subject. So the point of this blog is to ask you a question. Please, leave a comment letting me know. If I died today, would there be ANYTHING that you wish you had said to me? Say it NOW so you don't have to feel shitty later. Anything at all. Be it negative, positive, humourous, or something that makes no sense whatsoever, you just wanted to say it. Like, "Casey, did you know that the smallest man in the world is 22 inches tall? He lives in Nepal." Thank you for that random fact Mr. Smartypants. I needed that.
Thursday
Blatant Ego Problems
God what the fuck is wrong with some people? Why do you push something away that's perfect for you, just to have a little temporary "freedom"? Do you not realize that you will NEVER get that perfect something back? Do you not realize that you are breaking their heart? That they have been trying so hard to get through to you and you just keep blowing them off for stupid meaningless material things? I personally have tried to intervene, because believe it or not, I DO know what's best for you. I don't understand how you can be so retarded and arrogant. You're fucking lame ass friends and their fucking cars are more important than a person. Than a perfect something. PERFECT dammit! I really am trying, and have been trying for WEEKS to understand what is going on with you and this perfection, but I can't. I can't comprehend why, in a million years, you would just let that go without giving it a 100%. You can't go through life half ass and expect to be happy. You can't just have "freedom" whenever you feel like it. Other people exist you know. This perfection was part of your family. You can't just toss your family whenever you feel stress. GOD I am SO disappointed in you it's ridiculous! First it was one, now the other. Both being fucking retards and thinking that it doesn't affect other people. Well it's affecting me. Get your fucking act together or so help me god, I give up.
Tuesday
A Letter
Dear Mom and Dad,
I have decided that now that I am one year old, I am going to be more of an angel than I was before my birthday. I am going to eat when you feed me, laugh when you tickle me, tolerate my brother, sleep when you put me to bed or to nap, give you things I'm not allowed to have, clean up after myself, show off when you're trying to impress your friends, and all around be wonderful. Be warned though, I don't know how long this perfection will last. As you are already aware, I am a baby, and babies change their minds all the time. But because you love me so much, and struggled with me and my attitude problem for one whole year, I think I'll give something back. I know it doesn't seem like much to some people, me just being a great baby, but I know in my heart what it means to you. I know that something as simple as going to bed wide awake and smiling, only to fall asleep within minutes without a single weep, is a very large gift to you. Maybe I can be a role model to my older brother by being so great and doing exactly as you ask, MOST of the time, instead of SOME of the time. I love you so much, so enjoy this gift of perfection while it lasts. Remember, Hayden's terrible two's started at about a year and a half so you don't have much time to take in as much babyness as you can get.
Love Alexander
I have decided that now that I am one year old, I am going to be more of an angel than I was before my birthday. I am going to eat when you feed me, laugh when you tickle me, tolerate my brother, sleep when you put me to bed or to nap, give you things I'm not allowed to have, clean up after myself, show off when you're trying to impress your friends, and all around be wonderful. Be warned though, I don't know how long this perfection will last. As you are already aware, I am a baby, and babies change their minds all the time. But because you love me so much, and struggled with me and my attitude problem for one whole year, I think I'll give something back. I know it doesn't seem like much to some people, me just being a great baby, but I know in my heart what it means to you. I know that something as simple as going to bed wide awake and smiling, only to fall asleep within minutes without a single weep, is a very large gift to you. Maybe I can be a role model to my older brother by being so great and doing exactly as you ask, MOST of the time, instead of SOME of the time. I love you so much, so enjoy this gift of perfection while it lasts. Remember, Hayden's terrible two's started at about a year and a half so you don't have much time to take in as much babyness as you can get.
Love Alexander
Sunday
Gobble Gobble
Good evening! Beautiful day eh? The sun was shining, the snow was falling, the turkey was cooking. Mmmmmmm Thanksgiving. I really couldn't have asked for a better day to remind me of what to be thankful for. When the weather is exactly to my liking, I can't seem to find anything that will bother me! Even the fact that I haven't seen my family in what seems like forever, and won't be seeing them at all this weekend, can't put me down. I mean, Thanksgiving should be a time when loved ones gather 'round and tell each other how much they love each other, and how thankful they are to have them in their lives, but again, such a gorgeous day, how can I think of how shitty it is that for the last three years, my mother has decided that Thanksgiving no longer deserves to be acknowledged? I get to go to my ma in law's, with all her siblings and such, and laugh and play and have an all around great time, eating delicious traditional Ukranian/Canadian cuisine that I personally did not help to create making that in itself a wonderful thing, all the while thinking about my family, and how wonderful it would be to be able to hang out with them. I remember when Thanksgiving was the ONE time of year when not only my immediate family, but my Auntie and cousin Richard as well, would all get together. Even at Christmas it wasn't likely Richard would be there. He was usually in Ontario or whatever. Thanksgiving was my favourite time of year for a long time. The weather, the anticipation of Halloween, the fucking turkey and pumpkin pie. Richard and my Auntie have always been considered part of my immediate family, but when she died, Richard decided he didn't need us anymore. He's been slowly wandering way ever since but now that his wifey is officially part of his immediate family, its a definite fact that he doesn't need us anymore. I think that's the main reason why my mom doesn't do Thanksgiving anymore. Its not because it reminds her too much of her sister, but because she can't deal with the heartbreak she feels when she realizes what Richard thinks of us. Don't get me wrong, I adore him more than ever, and always try to understand his reasons for leaving, but just one of these years, I would love for him to call and ask if he can come over for Thanksgiving. We've offered too many times only for him to decline. It's up to him now.
Today I am thankful for the obvious; my boys, my husband, my health and shelter and all that....but I am mostly thankful for the pain I feel whenever I think about those I've lost. If it weren't for that, I might never have realized how important they were to me. It's that pain that makes me love those who I love, and show them. I love you Landon, Amanda, Andrea, Sarah, Nicole, Betty, Johnathan, Elena and whoever else reads this that I don't know. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and take a note: Never hesitate to show your love. Never expect love in return. Just be happy knowing that you let that person know that someone loves them. They'll remember that when they're at their worst, and you could very well be saving their life. All you need is love. Its easy.
Today I am thankful for the obvious; my boys, my husband, my health and shelter and all that....but I am mostly thankful for the pain I feel whenever I think about those I've lost. If it weren't for that, I might never have realized how important they were to me. It's that pain that makes me love those who I love, and show them. I love you Landon, Amanda, Andrea, Sarah, Nicole, Betty, Johnathan, Elena and whoever else reads this that I don't know. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and take a note: Never hesitate to show your love. Never expect love in return. Just be happy knowing that you let that person know that someone loves them. They'll remember that when they're at their worst, and you could very well be saving their life. All you need is love. Its easy.
Thursday
Music For The Soul
Songs you must listen to RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Download them illegaly if you must, but trust me, you'll love them. Turn the volume way the fuck up and enjoy. Wear headphones if you've got children about. And do it in order. Listen, Love it, Let me know what you think.
Classico - Tenacious D
Beelzeboss - Tenacious D
Master Exploder - Tenacious D
FUCK YES.
Classico - Tenacious D
Beelzeboss - Tenacious D
Master Exploder - Tenacious D
FUCK YES.
Winter?!
Today when I woke up, the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was by all accounts, a beautiful day. The other night when I got home from work, I went outside for a smoke and watched the tiny, near invisible snow falling from the sky. I was excited. If there's one thing I love about Canada, its the snow. So I was excited two days ago when the itsy bitsy snow appeared out of nowhere. This morning sucked for me. I hated the sun, the great big blue sky, the lack of wind and the mild temperature. But as the day went on, the snow started coming. The beautiful, light, sweet, white fluffy snow. I've outside as much as I can today. Just sitting on the deck listening and watching the wonders of winter. I FUCKING love snow. I can never get enough. Almost all my memories of childhood involve snow. I hate summer. It's hot and muggy and everyone's wearing skimpy clothes and showing off and comparing bodies and its hot and I hate the heat. I DO however, love fishing, camping, canoeing, doing anything involving a lake. Except when its hot. Every year I say that I'm going get as much as I can out of winter before it leaves me again. I mean it this year. Sledding, skiing, ice fishing, maybe try snowboarding again, walking, snowmen, and just sitting and loving the falling snow. MMMMMMMMMMM and its yummy too!
Wednesday
Work It
So I'm sitting here at work, kicked out of training because I already know everything they're trying to teach me, and thinking about what I should do to waste my time before Landon comes to pick me up. So I decide to blog. BAD IDEA. First of all, the spacebar on this fucking computer doesn't work properly so I've been using the backspace button much more than any human should, and, this PC isn't exactly private, so I've been looking over my shoulder every ten seconds. One good thing about being back at work; I feel welcome. Len calls me "Case", which I love more than I could ever describe, and Lee is here, and no longer a manager which means I can swear at him and he can't tell me to shut up. I like Lee. He's innocently tragic in some way and always draws me in, making me more and more curious about his goings on outside of work. It's like there's some deep dark secret he's trying to hide. Being back at work has no other benefit (besides moola of course) than my ever growing attempt to get to know Lee. Yes, I did tell Lee to read my blog today, and therefore felt it necessary to include him in my ramblings. For those loyal readers, join me in my curiosity. That way, when I do discover that Lee is the Dexter of Saskatoon, you'll be the first to know.
Work is inevitable in this wonderful western civilization, so I dedicate this blog to focusing on the good things, rather than the bad. Discovering serial killers being the goodest.
Work is inevitable in this wonderful western civilization, so I dedicate this blog to focusing on the good things, rather than the bad. Discovering serial killers being the goodest.
Saturday
I Love Jimmy Fallon
Today my second born son turned one. One year old. It was a nice day. We had close friends and family come over to my mom and dad's, eat some cake, and open some wonderful presents. I wanted to video tape it but I couldn't find an blank tape, so I searched through my many tapes in the closet that I never watch, and found that said CRAP and Hayden. So I watched it. The first bit was a bonfire in Landon's dad's backyard where us being stupid, poured gasoline all over the sidewalk and lit it on fire. It was scarily awesome. After that, it was a visit to the zoo with a two year old Hayden. A cute cute CUTE two year old baby boy. After that.........a 15 minute or so long documentation of my arrival home, drunk out of my tree. First, I'm passed out on the couch with my roommate, my skirt up too far. Then, me passed out on the floor next to my roommate, my skirt at a decent length. Then, me struggling to find my way two the bathroom, banging into everything, my eyes barely open. And finally, ending in me passed out on the bathroom floor, but not before dry heaving into the toilet. I watched the whole thing. I thought about the fact that my sweet little two year old Hayden was in his room sleeping during all this. I thought about the fact that Landon was video taping this. I wondered what he was thinking. I wondered why he put up with me. I am so glad he did. I taped over that with Alex's first birthday party. So now, when you watch the tape, you see cute little two year old Hayden, followed immediately by cute little one year old Alex, then back again to cute little two year old Hayden playing at the park. Yeah its gonna look funny when I watch the tape a few years from now, and probably confuse the hell out of anyone who watches it, but I don't care. I'm glad that time of my life is erased. I'm so glad I don't drink anymore. Not even a drop. Thank god for Landon.
Tuesday
Thanks
Thank you house flies - for giving me something to do during the day that involves testing my skills of stealth, patience, and observance, ultimately giving me a satisfying feeling when I crush you into the wall
Thank you clocks - for always reminding me how much little time I have left to clean the house and make supper before Landon comes home
Thank you autumn - for making the challenge of quitting smoking that much easier. Your blistering wind and uncomfortable cold does not make a welcome environment for me to go outside and "relax"
Thank you Kijiji - for making me wonder what useless junk I have that someone else might want, urging me to spend time taking photos, writing ads, only to crush my hopes of easy money, because no one wants my useless junk
Thank you Coping Kit - for being there when I need you most
Thank you clocks - for always reminding me how much little time I have left to clean the house and make supper before Landon comes home
Thank you autumn - for making the challenge of quitting smoking that much easier. Your blistering wind and uncomfortable cold does not make a welcome environment for me to go outside and "relax"
Thank you Kijiji - for making me wonder what useless junk I have that someone else might want, urging me to spend time taking photos, writing ads, only to crush my hopes of easy money, because no one wants my useless junk
Thank you Coping Kit - for being there when I need you most
Saturday
I Complain Too Much
I know that a lot of my posts are negative. I don't write about this stuff to gain pity, I simply just want to vent. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be about whatever it was about. Daily life, simply living. Unfortunately, lately, my life has been quite stressful. I do have a very very wonderful life, full of a lot of love and fun and happiness, but for some reason, I never want to write about those things. Today is no different, did you really think it was going to be though??? I don't normally discuss my childrens' personal tribulations to a public audience, unless of course, seeking advice, or because I think it might help someone with a similar problem, but today I'm going to talk about something troubling me very much. I'm not going to be specific, to keep my son's privacy, but I'm going to try to explain it to you as best I can. I realized today that I need to take my wonderful, beautiful, brilliant, near-perfect 5 year old son, to a psychiatrist. When I became a mother, I was prepared for normal child-related medical problems. Scratches, scrapes, bruises, broken bones, bumped noggins, flues, colds, chicken poxes, scarlet fevers, etc etc. But I never thought I would have to take my kid to a shrink. Never even crossed my mind. Of course I was worried that I, or at the very least, my family, would eventually corrupt him in some way, and he would have to take himself to a psych, but I never in a million years would have thought it would be a possibility at 5 years old. How do I deal with this sudden revelation? How do I explain to his teacher, to his grandparents, to my friends, that my son is in therapy? Most importantly, how do I do this without giving away his personal secrets? I, as I'm sure most mothers, want nothing less than perfection for my children. Of course I'm not stupid, and I know that its impossible for them to be perfectly healthy for their entire lives, it still bothers me when they're sick, and part of me dies when the doctor tells me he's asthmatic. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong, and makes me wonder if he would have been better off had I gone through with that adoption with that lovely couple in Ontario. Would be a tiny, super smart crazy kid who can't breath? Was there something, anything, I could have done to prevent this? I really don't know. I'm not someone who thinks about the what if's very often. I think its a really stupid way to think, and will eventually kill you. But with my kids, I can't help it. A lot of it stems from my childhood. Even though my parents are the best parents in the world, I know there is a lot of mistakes they made, that make me the little fuck up I am today. I don't care though, I'm happy with the way I am. Being a fuck up has its advantages. The fact that I'm a smart fuck up helps a lot. At least I KNOW there's something wrong with me, and can therefore watch out for the little dark passenger inside. It helps me detect fucked-upedness in others, helps me give advice to those fuck ups that need it, helps me grow and learn and blah blah blah I'm ranting about something completely off tangent and I'm sorry. I've mentioned before that I like to talk about myself, so you shouldn't be all that surprised. I don't want my child to be fucked up. My grown-up spawn - fine, but not my child. My innocent, sweet, amazing, better than the rest child. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? How the fuck am I supposed to help him? I just want him to be happy dammit. Why can't he just be happy and care-free like all the other children? Why can't he be perfect DAMMIT?!
Wednesday
Untitled
I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't really felt like it. I haven't really felt like doing anything lately. I hurt my back somehow a little over a week ago, and ever since, its been in constant pain. I've never had back pain like this before. It NEVER goes away. EVER! Sometimes its worse. Advil and Tylenol don't help, and when I take Robaxacet, I get all loopy so I can't take that until bed time. Because it hurts so much, I can't clean or cook very well, I can't sleep well, I can't shower or bath well, I can't do anything well. So because I'm a big bum lately, I'm getting really depressed about how wonderful of a mother I am. Not to mention the other stresses I have to deal with on a daily basis. I've faced the sad reality that I have to go back to work. I'm going to work evenings because I don't want to work full time days, and no one will give me the hours I want. I have to get a babysitter now. Someone I trust to come into my home every day and stay with my kids for a couple hours. I'll see Hayden for a half hour before he goes to school, for an hour after school, and if I'm lucky, a little bit before he goes to bed. That thought alone depresses me so much. But at least I'll be able to spend as much time as I can with Alex during the day. And, my kids will only be away from their parents for a couple hours, apart from school anyway. So when I try to think about my kids, and that I'm doing this for them.....well it doesn't make me feel any better at all actually. I'm really REALLY upset. But the fact is, we have no money. I can't afford to buy a cake for my baby's first birthday, let alone a present. And Hayden's is only a month after that, and there's Halloween costumes too. Neither of my kids have one that'll fit them. And then, Christmas. Fucking Christmas. If I was a selfish asshole, I wouldn't care. But I'm not a selfish asshole. And EVERY FUCKING YEAR I wish I had more money for Christmas. I want to buy everyone I know something special. I want to show people how much I love them with material objects. I HATE Marketlinc. I hate sitting in a chair type type typing, listening to customers bitch and wine and ask for discounts, listening to my co-workers wine and complain about how awful their single, childless lives are, listening to them demean each other behind everyone's backs, wondering if they're saying shit about me, then not caring. I hate the drama, the boredom, the Top 40's radio station or sometimes, if we're lucky, hip-hop. I hate the "Sell Casey, sell sell sell!!!!" I hate the pressure, the lack of exercise, the fact that everyone that I did love there is now gone and I have to go back to a bunch of foreign people to honestly, don't know what the fuck they're doing, or stupid teenagers who think they're so cool because they're salesmen, or the worst, university students. I need to do it for my kids, for my family. I need to keep telling myself that its only temporary, until I can get my dream job as a Superstore cashier. The best part is that when I'm working, during a slow time when no one's really talking, I just think. I think about what I'm doing in a dead end job when I'm 26. I think about how my kids are gonna look at me when they're older. When their friends ask, "What do your parents do?" I think about how embarrassed they'll be. Then I think that they don't realize how much I've sacrificed for them. Then I think about my mother. Then I think, when my kids are older, they'll understand. Then I think about how much I love them, and I'd rather work in a shitty office all day rather than risking my life, or overworking just to fulfill my own career dreams. I want to be a police officer so bad, and every time I see one I feel some sort of loss, but I need to keep thinking about my boys, and that nothing is more important than them. Not even me.
Monday
People Who Need To Get Their Act Together
1. Amy Winehouse - fantastic talent this one. A little messed in the head as you may have noticed, and as soon as she works through it, I'll be there.
2. Lauryn Hill - same sort of idea as Ms. Winehouse
3. Joaquin Phoenix - this guy has some serious mental and ego problems, but is a FANTASTIC actor and REALLY needs to smarten up. Now.
4. System Of A Down - my favourite FAVOURITE band. Has been on hiatus for WAY too long.
5. Tenacious D - stop making movies. Not that it wasn't the best movie ever, but your music is fathoms upon fathoms better. Plus Jack, honey, you're a terrible actor.
6. The people responsible for making The Boondocks - possibly the smartest cartoon I've ever seen. I am not black. Very far from it actually, but I LOVE this show and everything it represents. REPRESENT!
7. The Canadian Government - Too much going on here to even begin to try and explain.
8. Lindsay Lohan - I like her.
2. Lauryn Hill - same sort of idea as Ms. Winehouse
3. Joaquin Phoenix - this guy has some serious mental and ego problems, but is a FANTASTIC actor and REALLY needs to smarten up. Now.
4. System Of A Down - my favourite FAVOURITE band. Has been on hiatus for WAY too long.
5. Tenacious D - stop making movies. Not that it wasn't the best movie ever, but your music is fathoms upon fathoms better. Plus Jack, honey, you're a terrible actor.
6. The people responsible for making The Boondocks - possibly the smartest cartoon I've ever seen. I am not black. Very far from it actually, but I LOVE this show and everything it represents. REPRESENT!
7. The Canadian Government - Too much going on here to even begin to try and explain.
8. Lindsay Lohan - I like her.
Thursday
What Lies Beneath
In times of stress, I turn to music for relief when cigarettes are unavailable. Music is my muse. Especially 90's pop rock alternative. I know its not the most intelligent music out there, but it brings back memories that I forgot I had. It makes me feel young, and reminiscent (thank god for spellcheck on that one!) about the good old high school days. High school, for the most part, was the single worst time in my life. BUT it did shape me quite well into the person I am today. I love the person I am today......well, I love the person I was last year. Today, I'm boring and anti-social, so I don't really get to express myself a lot. This blog helps of course, but its just not the same. I like to have heated discussions with people and tell them my opinion and not care what they think, then listen to their opinion and not care what they think. Lately though, everytime I feel like bitching about something, or expressing my opinion, I get scared about what someone will think. I want to bitch about how awful it is to be a mom, but then I think about people who don't get that privilege and I feel guilty. Or because I just said that I wanted to bitch about being a mom, I want to clarify by saying, "don't get me wrong....blah blah blah" Sometimes I just want to say what I want to say and I want you to shut up. I LOVE being a mother, and I will never EVER give it up. I would never EVER want anything different. Sometimes though, it sucks. It really does. Mothers know what I mean. Mothers want to hear this too. They want to hear that another mother is hating sometimes. It may not be easy to hear though, that a mother, so fortunate like me, is wining and complaining about the most wonderful thing in the world. Be comforted though my uneasy friend, that I truly love being a mother, and therefore, it is okay for me to bitch. If I didn't like being a mother, and was really a very bad parent, then be concerned. But for now, shut up. Just shut up and listen. Let me bitch and moan and whine. Let me get it out of my system and then pity me, and then, if I don't follow up sometime soon with a dedication to my perfect children, then you may call child services. For the next, however long this takes, I'm NOT going to say something mean, then say something nice. I'm just going to say something mean. Because I feel like it.
Being a mother/wife is EXTREMELY difficult. I lost myself, I lost my freedom, I lost my money, I lost my being-able-to-do-whatever-I-want-whenever-I-want-ness. I have one priority and one only, my children. My bratty, whiny, poop-smearing, diaper messing, puking, eating, complaining, hyper, sick, dependent, crying, crying, crying, yelling, fighting, insulting, breaking everything, losing everything, ruining expensive things, de-valuing, ripping, messy, WONDERFUL PERFECT children. I have no Casey time. If I want Casey time, I feel guilty. My husband gets his time, my husband gets to shower and eat and sleep and drive and walk and shop and spend and leave whenever he feels like. He gets to prioritize his children when its convenient for him. He gets to be himself still. He hasn't lost himself, its still there, LOUD AND CLEAR. Rubbing in my face all day every day. I want to run away, I want to fly away. I want to listen to Lenny Kravitz from 1999 all day. I want to listen to Bittersweet Symphony as loud as possible with headphones on so I can drown everything away into musical bliss for 5 minutes and 59 seconds. I want to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry for however long I feel like.
I love my family unconditionally and I will happily sacrifice everything and do anything for them. Honestly. I just want to bitch sometimes. Even if it doesn't mean anything.
Being a mother/wife is EXTREMELY difficult. I lost myself, I lost my freedom, I lost my money, I lost my being-able-to-do-whatever-I-want-whenever-I-want-ness. I have one priority and one only, my children. My bratty, whiny, poop-smearing, diaper messing, puking, eating, complaining, hyper, sick, dependent, crying, crying, crying, yelling, fighting, insulting, breaking everything, losing everything, ruining expensive things, de-valuing, ripping, messy, WONDERFUL PERFECT children. I have no Casey time. If I want Casey time, I feel guilty. My husband gets his time, my husband gets to shower and eat and sleep and drive and walk and shop and spend and leave whenever he feels like. He gets to prioritize his children when its convenient for him. He gets to be himself still. He hasn't lost himself, its still there, LOUD AND CLEAR. Rubbing in my face all day every day. I want to run away, I want to fly away. I want to listen to Lenny Kravitz from 1999 all day. I want to listen to Bittersweet Symphony as loud as possible with headphones on so I can drown everything away into musical bliss for 5 minutes and 59 seconds. I want to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry for however long I feel like.
I love my family unconditionally and I will happily sacrifice everything and do anything for them. Honestly. I just want to bitch sometimes. Even if it doesn't mean anything.
The Hardest Button to Button
I can't tell what's the harder drug; alcohol, or nicotine. I quit drinking alcohol three years and nine months ago and never looked back. I quit smoking when I was pregnant with Hayden 7 years ago (oh my GOD! Seven years???!) and did look back. I started again when Hayden was about 6 or 7 months old. I quit again a couple years after that, but it only lasted about a month. Then I quit again at the same time I got pregnant with Alex, and started AGAIN when he was a few months old. I really thought I had beat it that time. I really thought I would never smoke again......BUT, when you're a smoker, you deal with stress by smoking, and when you're not an ex-smoker, dealing with stress is complicated and weird and when something huge comes along like Cancer, you smoke. There's nothing else you can do to ease the emotions........except maybe alcohol. This is why I can't figure out which one's worse. Alcohol and I have a really REALLY bad relationship. Full of pain and heartache and abuse and its best that we just lead our separate lives but I can't help but long for it when I'm feeling the absolute shittiest. It was always there for me to comfort me when I was upset. Two faced, alcohol is. It claims to love you, to want nothing more than to make you feel great, to help you forget all your worries and your stress, and then when you're most vulnerable, it takes you over. Consuming your every thought and emotion until you're nothing but a zombie, a slave to the drink and everything it wants you to do. It makes you realize that everyone is wrong, that the world is out to get you, that it is your only friend. I don't know how I managed to get out of that relationship but I did. Landon is the most amazing person in the world. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have made it out. He helped me realize what Hayden and him meant to alcohol. Alcohol didn't care about them, it didn't care about me. It was using me, abusing me and my vulnerabilities, so I had to leave. It took a lot of work and a lot of courage, but I did it. Nicotine.......this one is MUCH more sneaky. Clinging to the stress. You don't even realize what its doing until its much too late. Smart sneaky seductive cigarettes. This is why I can't figure out which one's worse. Alcohol comes on strong and fast. Nicotine is slow, and sticky. It does such a good job that even after you've been away from each other for so long, you see it, and you want it. You smell it, and your heart races. It consumes your thoughts and cravings for eternity. You'll never be able to let it go. You love it. It loves you. Sure its going to kill you, but its out of love. It loves you so much that it doesn't want anyone else to have you. It craves you just as much as you crave it. It knows that once your a smoker, you're always a smoker. It knows you'll never forget what its done for you. It knows you'll never care how much it hurts during the bad times, just how wonderful it feels during the good times. It knows you'll always come back. That's why it never hurts you badly, just enough to make it exciting, to entice you to always want more. Fucking assholes all of them. And yet marijuana is bad?
Wednesday
Coffee and Cigarettes
I'm pretty sure I spelled cigarettes wrong but I don't care. Okay I do care. Spellcheck......and we're good, I did spell it right. Alright now, today, well, last night, I decided to quit smoking today. It is 12:43 pm and I have not had one yet. Mostly because I don't have any, nor do I have any money to buy some. I really don't feel like going over to my neighbours and asking if I can buy a smoke for 50 cents, or a dollar, or whatever the going rate is these days. So I am not smoking. This is a good thing. I need to quit smoking, for good this time, and not start again. Me and cigarettes really don't get a long. I've got chronic bronchitis because of these assholes and every time I finish a smoke it feels like its taking all my energy in the world to breathe, or is it breath......fuck I don't care. The problem with this cold turkey thing though, is that I like smoking. I like the stress relief, the relaxing time away from the kids so I can read, the social aspect, the menthol. Don't get me wrong here, I HATE smoking. Its disgusting and expensive and extremely dangerous, especially to me and my stupid non-smoke-handling lungs. Not to mention it sets a really bad impression on my children. I can't lecture them to never smoke, with a smoke in my hand. Its not fair to them, that's why I started after all, because my parents did it, so it was only fair that I got to. Already today I have yelled at my 11 month old baby for playing with a computer mouse, thrown the phone across the room because Alex had left it off the hook and I couldn't stand that beeping for one more second, cried with Alex because he's tired and WON'T go to sleep, begged and pleaded with myself to STOP thinking about nicotine, and I have eaten EVERYTHING in my house. I've been listening to Mastadon and Sigur Ros all day. Hopefully the complete clash in genres would help to keep my mind busy. I've been trying to clean the house but Alex keeps crying and crying and CRYING AND HE WON'T SHUT UP DAMMIT! I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him................oh I can't wait for these three days to be over
Monday
Absent
When I haven't blogged for a couple of days, I spend a lot of time thinking about what my next post is going to be about, and even write most of it in my head as I'm falling asleep. When I wake up though, I forget what I was going to write about, and when I go to type, nothing comes through my fingers, so I don't add anything new for a couple days, and for that I apologize. Unfortunately, this is another one of those times where nothing is coming to me as I type. Its been like this for a while. I would like to say that I have writer's block, but considering I am not a writer, this doesn't apply. There have been a lot of stresses in my life lately that I've had to deal with, and therefore, when I come to type, I can't get my mind to close in on one subject enough for me to type about it.
Thursday
Wednesday
Humbleness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTyrcw9x5l8
I saw a short clip of this man in a preview for the show America's Got Talent. I have never seen this show, and never been interested in this show, until I saw the preview. He was on the season premiere and after watching it, I was hooked. I've seen every episode this year, sometimes more than once, and that's saying a lot because its on twice a week, sometimes two hours per show. Kevin Skinner stirred feelings inside me that I have never felt before. I've been moved by musical performances times before, but never by someone so polite, so genuine, so down to earth and as real as real can be, and so humble. I fell in love the second I heard his beautiful voice, saw his emotions flowing through him and his guitar. Saw him forgetting everyone was watching, as if it was just him and his guitar. I HATE country music. I have only ever listened, willingly, to Johnny Cash and Garth Brooks. They don't have a genre, they are their own musicians, like Kevin. I will buy every album Kevin puts out, I will go hang out with cowboys if he ever comes here to play a show, I will love him til the day I die and then some.
I don't really have a point to this post except to show you someone who truly deserves to be seen. He is as pure as pure can be, and as wonderful as wonderful can be, and he doesn't even know it. He doesn't even know it. God I love people like that.
I saw a short clip of this man in a preview for the show America's Got Talent. I have never seen this show, and never been interested in this show, until I saw the preview. He was on the season premiere and after watching it, I was hooked. I've seen every episode this year, sometimes more than once, and that's saying a lot because its on twice a week, sometimes two hours per show. Kevin Skinner stirred feelings inside me that I have never felt before. I've been moved by musical performances times before, but never by someone so polite, so genuine, so down to earth and as real as real can be, and so humble. I fell in love the second I heard his beautiful voice, saw his emotions flowing through him and his guitar. Saw him forgetting everyone was watching, as if it was just him and his guitar. I HATE country music. I have only ever listened, willingly, to Johnny Cash and Garth Brooks. They don't have a genre, they are their own musicians, like Kevin. I will buy every album Kevin puts out, I will go hang out with cowboys if he ever comes here to play a show, I will love him til the day I die and then some.
I don't really have a point to this post except to show you someone who truly deserves to be seen. He is as pure as pure can be, and as wonderful as wonderful can be, and he doesn't even know it. He doesn't even know it. God I love people like that.
Thursday
Thou Shalt Not Steal
I really REALLY like to take ideas from other people and use them myself. I don't consider it....dammit I can't think of that word.............DAMMIT. Copyright infringement I'll call it. I consider it being inspired. I read other people's blogs, or listen to other people's conversations, look at other people's photos or paintings, watch other people's tv shows, listen to other people's music, etc etc, and I take from them and create my own. Today though, I am going to take something from Sarah's Little Baby Feet and copy it exactly, except add my own answers. I think one or two might the same, if not similar, so sorry Sarah, but at least I warned you before hand.
Seven
Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Watch my sons graduate from highschool
2. Watch my sons marry the girl (or boy, whatever) of their dreams
3. Meet my grandchildren
4. Learn how to play the piano
5. Visit Denmark, and possibly live there temporarily
6. Learn so speak French fluently, not choppily
7. Own a horse, or two
Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Stop loving my husband
2. Stop loving my children
3. Stop drinking Coke
4. Give enough
5. Be stupid or narrow minded
6. Love enough
7. Regret
Seven Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Creativity/open-mindedness/curiosity
2. Hardworking (dedication)
3. Passion for what they love
4. Full, thick hair
5. CONFIDENCE!!
6. Large Penis....hahahahahaha just kidding. Sense of humour
7. Charm
Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. I LOVE YOU
2. I'm tired
3. We'll see
4. Maybe
5. I don't think so
6. Stop asking me
7. QUIT!
Seven Celebrity Crushes:
1. Jason Bateman
2. Michael C Hall
3. Paul Rudd
4. Jimmy Fallon
5. Eva Mendes
6. Seth Rogen
7. James Franco
I like the funny ones the best.
Seven
Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Watch my sons graduate from highschool
2. Watch my sons marry the girl (or boy, whatever) of their dreams
3. Meet my grandchildren
4. Learn how to play the piano
5. Visit Denmark, and possibly live there temporarily
6. Learn so speak French fluently, not choppily
7. Own a horse, or two
Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Stop loving my husband
2. Stop loving my children
3. Stop drinking Coke
4. Give enough
5. Be stupid or narrow minded
6. Love enough
7. Regret
Seven Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Creativity/open-mindedness/curiosity
2. Hardworking (dedication)
3. Passion for what they love
4. Full, thick hair
5. CONFIDENCE!!
6. Large Penis....hahahahahaha just kidding. Sense of humour
7. Charm
Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. I LOVE YOU
2. I'm tired
3. We'll see
4. Maybe
5. I don't think so
6. Stop asking me
7. QUIT!
Seven Celebrity Crushes:
1. Jason Bateman
2. Michael C Hall
3. Paul Rudd
4. Jimmy Fallon
5. Eva Mendes
6. Seth Rogen
7. James Franco
I like the funny ones the best.
Wednesday
My Heros
When I first started this campaign, I had no idea that it would end up where it has. As you may have read in my group, AC/DC For My Daddy, it all started with a dream. I imagined that I could do something spectacular for my parents, mostly my Dad, that they would enjoy and appreciate. I wanted them to know how much I really cared about them. I thought of buying them something, or throwing a party for them, or something small like that, but anything I thought of wasn't enough. One night, at about 3 in the morning, I was having some difficulty falling asleep, like always, and began to let my mind wander. I always have the best ideas when I just let my mind wander into abyss. Out of nowhere this fantastic idea came into my head. Sending my parents to Regina to see AC/DC. I couldn't do it alone, mainly because tickets were ridiculously expensive, so I thought of asking my brother and sister for help. Unfortunately, their finances weren't capable of helping to the fullest extent, so I decided I would ask a few other people. At first, I really didn't like the idea of asking for help, but I got over my pride and decided that if I really wanted it, I would have to ask. The immediate support I got was overwhelming. I couldn't believe how many people were willing to help. I was surprised every day by the people who I least expected calling me, or messaging me saying that they would donate money for my dear old mom and dad. I was surprised a lot, and overwhelmed a lot during this whole thing. One thing that didn't surprise me though, was how much love was out there for my Dad, and Mom of course. I always knew they were wonderful people, but part of me did suspect I was slightly bias, or biased or whatever that word is. I was proved a hundred times over that I was not - whatever that word is. SO MANY people love my parents.
When the time came to tell my parents about what I was doing, I got really nervous. My dad has always been a very reserved person, and prefers not to be anywhere near the spotlight, and I was scared to tell him that he was the focus of tons of people's minds for over a month. When I did tell them though, they both were speechless. Thankful of course, but speechless non the less. Over the course of only a couple hours, their lack of speech turned into undying gratitude and pride for their children. I was very happy to watch them get excited about their upcoming trip, all the while bragging to anyone who would listen what wonderful kids they had. I heard more times than I can count how great I am, and each time, I tried my hardest to get these people to understand that this is not about me, its about my parents. Even when the Star Phoenix called me (causing me to hyper ventilate, thinking "what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck" a hundred times), I still couldn't understand why this was turning out to be all about me. I don't want the attention, I don't want the compliments, I don't want anything! I did for my parents, and for people to realize how awesome they are. Now, after its all said and done, people are finally giving them the attention they deserve. My dad told me about so many people coming up to them in Moose Jaw and Regina saying, "I saw you in the paper!" or, "You must be wonderful parents to have children like that". One of my dad's coworkers sent me an email, saying how much he loved my dad, and gave me the best compliment I have ever had, and will ever have in my entire life; "You must be a lot like your parents". I am, and I am very proud of it. I couldn't have for better people in the world to have raised me and brother and sisters. My family is the envy of so many people, and for that I am thankful. I am glad my parents had a good time that they really and truly deserved. They are the BEST mother and father in the world. They are my heroes. If I end up being even half the parent they are, I'll be happy.
Thursday
My Daily Heartache
I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work I don't wanna go back to work
Tuesday
Dear Blog
If you were a real diary/journal, I would write about things that are silly, so today, I am going to write about a fantasy of mine; winning the lottery. I used to give my diary a name. Once, it was named Travis. Sometimes I felt bad for Travis because I would write about stupid boys like Barrett Misiwich and other lame fantasies. Now that I am a bit older, my fantasies have changed slightly from having any boy I wanted, to having all the money I want. They say that money can't buy you happiness. Well I don't know who they are, but I would like to kick them in the shins. Money would certainly buy me happiness. Not that I'm not happy right now, because I am, just not happy enough. If I won the lottery, the first thing I would do is go house shopping. Actually, before that, I would pay off my small debts, pay my rent and bills for the next two months and go buy all the name brand groceries I want. THEN I would go house shopping. A nice bungalo with at least four bedrooms would be perfect. Preferably in Montgomery. Nice big backyard, no sidewalks, blocked off from the rest of Saskatoon by trees and a dog park. Delightful. Then, I would go furniture shopping. NOT at The Brick. I don't like them there. Leon's maybe, or take a trip up to Edmonton for the nearest Ikea. A nice off-white leather sofa set and recliner. Mmmm, with some red suede throw pillows. A nice dark cherry wood living room set and matching dining set with those tall chairs like Amanda has. I love your dining set Amanda! I don't think I've ever told you that. New stainless steel or black appliances. Those fancy washer and dryers that come in cool colours like red. Red! That's so awesome. Some shelves and bookcases too of course. A nice new bedroom set for each of the boys, whatever kind they want! My bed is perfect thank you Landon! But maybe some new dressers and night tables. A pool table too of course, just for fun. Then, once all the furniture is done, off to the art galleries. I'll be all Michael Jackson up in there, walking around saying, "I'll take that, that one too, that one, oh that one in the back..." I'll stand for a few minutes in front of a couple, to make it look like I actually care. Then, off to the Flying J to hit up they're Coke memorbelia. What I can't find there, I will shop for online of course. I'll need a whole room or basement for all my shit. It will be fantastic. Oh, and take Landon and the boys shopping for whatever the hell they want (within reason of course!) And buy some new clothes. I haven't bought new clothes in years.
I will pay off my brother's mortgage, then buy my sister a small house. Smallish anyway, no shacks. I will give my parents enough money to pay off any debts they have (their mortgage has been paid off for years, assholes) and then enough to pay for any reno's they want, and then more of course, for whatever the fuck they want. I would pay off my mother in laws mortgage, give my father in law some dough, and do something nice for April-Lee. I would need some advice from my parents for that one. I would buy Landon's sister a house too. I almost forgot about her! Then, once my family is taken care of, pay off Ricky's mortgage, buy Rhonda a house out here so she would have no choice but to live her...take THAT T-Bag! Buy Landon's cousin Kali a house too of course, just to be fair. He's a good guy. Then, make sure my two best friends are taken care of financially. Pay off their mortgages, buy them a house, whatever they need. It would be the least I can do for everything they've done for me over the years. One especially. I could never do enough for her.
Once my extended family is taken care of, work on the stragglers. Couple of Landon's friends, couple of my friends. The ones who really need it, with kids. No houses, but maybe some extra money, just to help out.
Put some in a savings account for my kids, buy an average SUV, and give the rest to a worthy cause; myself. Hahaha just kidding. Children's Hospital maybe.
That was fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)