Coffee and Cigarettes

I'm pretty sure I spelled cigarettes wrong but I don't care. Okay I do care. Spellcheck......and we're good, I did spell it right. Alright now, today, well, last night, I decided to quit smoking today. It is 12:43 pm and I have not had one yet. Mostly because I don't have any, nor do I have any money to buy some. I really don't feel like going over to my neighbours and asking if I can buy a smoke for 50 cents, or a dollar, or whatever the going rate is these days. So I am not smoking. This is a good thing. I need to quit smoking, for good this time, and not start again. Me and cigarettes really don't get a long. I've got chronic bronchitis because of these assholes and every time I finish a smoke it feels like its taking all my energy in the world to breathe, or is it breath......fuck I don't care. The problem with this cold turkey thing though, is that I like smoking. I like the stress relief, the relaxing time away from the kids so I can read, the social aspect, the menthol. Don't get me wrong here, I HATE smoking. Its disgusting and expensive and extremely dangerous, especially to me and my stupid non-smoke-handling lungs. Not to mention it sets a really bad impression on my children. I can't lecture them to never smoke, with a smoke in my hand. Its not fair to them, that's why I started after all, because my parents did it, so it was only fair that I got to. Already today I have yelled at my 11 month old baby for playing with a computer mouse, thrown the phone across the room because Alex had left it off the hook and I couldn't stand that beeping for one more second, cried with Alex because he's tired and WON'T go to sleep, begged and pleaded with myself to STOP thinking about nicotine, and I have eaten EVERYTHING in my house. I've been listening to Mastadon and Sigur Ros all day. Hopefully the complete clash in genres would help to keep my mind busy. I've been trying to clean the house but Alex keeps crying and crying and CRYING AND HE WON'T SHUT UP DAMMIT! I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him................oh I can't wait for these three days to be over