So obviously....not as much in a writing mood this month! Well actually, there's been quite a few times I would have given anything to just sit and type away my thoughts but things kept getting in the way. Today I have plans for three separate posts, this one included....so we'll see how much time I have to accomplish my goals.
I recently got a new tattoo. Some tiger lillies on my lower right leg. They're black and grey and I know what you're thinking...."black and grey tiger lillies don't work. Tiger lillies aren't tiger lillies unless they're orange". Well my friend let me assure you, they are spectacular. I LOVE them more than my crow, and that says a lot because I FUCKING love my crow.
Now, speaking of my crow. I wanted to tell you part of the reason why I got him. Of course the obvious ones like death/mourning, creativity and intellegince are pretty good reasons. But you see, he's got this little stick in his talons, and on this little stick is a snake. This stick/snake combo represents "healing". I got this stick/snake yeilding black beautiful crow on my left forearm because....I am a cutter. I've been a cutter since I was 17. I've never talked about it publicly because its a very sensetive subject. Sensetive to judgement and misunderstanding. The most important thing you need to know, is that cutters don't cut to get attention. They do it for many different reasons, but most of the time, its a coping mechanism. People who cut or use other ways to harm themselves didn't learn proper ways to cope with strong feelings, and so use it that way. That is why I do it. When I met Landon, he helped me to stop, and I did, for a long time. But with recent events and overwhelming stress and depression, I have started again. No one sees them, no one knows they exist except Landon. I am only telling you this, not as a way to whine or complain or make you feel sorry for me, but to let you be aware that it happens, and you should never be afraid to talk to someone about it. Sometimes, people harm themselves because its the only way they know how to ask for help. Or its the only way they think that people will believe that they're sick. Another misconception is that they are suicidal. This is not the case. If anything, and I'm speaking from a personal point here, it helps diminish the suicidal and "giving up" thoughts. It helps to let me continue to try each and every day, to wake up, to be happy, to enjoy my life. Living with this crippling mental illness is hard on everyone around me. I am going to try to talk about it more, so that you can learn, and gain a better understanding of the illness. To not be afraid to ask someone how they're doing. To not be afraid to acknowledge the monster that lives within your friend. If you ignore it, they feel ashamed and cast out and they're thoughts of fleeing become so overpowering that they eventually follow through, and are then gone forever.
Don't worry about me. I have a fantastic support system and still remain logical and loving. I would never put my friends and family through something to tragic like my suicide. Ever. I just want to ask one thing, that you don't judge me for what I do to my arms. That you don't assume I am in need of a psychiatrist, or a mental hospital. That you don't make me feel shameful. Just accept that it happens for a reason and I am working to find healthier ways. Please feel free to ask me if you're curious, but don't judge.
Love you forever.
