My King of Everything

I went to see This Is It on Wednesday. It was beautiful. It was simple, yet extravagant, and absolutely delightful. I could never express how much I truly loved that man. I would have given anything to have known him, to have even just met him, or just touched him. There is only one man I would ever leave my husband for, and that is Michael Jackson. I don't care how androgynous he is, or if he prefers men, or if he even prefers anything. I don't want a romantic relationship with him, I just wanna hang out with him all day every day for the rest of my life. I strongly urge everyone to see this film. Even those who believed that he was a pedophile (which he wasn't!). This movie will put Michael in a completely different light. It makes him seem happy, loving, outgoing, passionate, hardworking, a perfectionist, and above all, the best entertainer the world has ever seen. Oh god I miss him so much. Even though through the whole movie, I was happy, dancing, singing, and clapping along, by the end, I felt just how big of a loss we suffered on June 25th 2009. I was really really sad. He wasn't ready to die.

My Hayden allegedly contracted the H1N1 virus. BUT, because he did not get tested, and because I did my research, and found tons of other people with the SAME symptoms lacking a cough and fever (the two most common symptoms of H1N1), I have yet to be convinced. Now, a mother always knows right? So, I KNOW that Hayden did NOT have H1N1, and was therefore unnecessarily medicated. BUT, I do know that he had a virus of some sort, because the meds did do wonders for him. It makes me feel really shitty though that while I was actually at the hospital, I didn't think of saying anything like, "please test my son", or, "is that the only diagnoses possible, given that he has NO other symptoms besides vomiting and diarrhea?" So after my baby missed 4 days of school, including one Halloween party, I continue to feel like fucking shit. If only I could have re-hydrated him myself, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have missed school, I wouldn't have missed work, and I wouldn't have an awful pit in my stomach. For the first couple days though, I did believe he had it. I was scared out of my mind. Hayden has asthma, and people with asthma who contract H1N1, have a very high fatality rate. I could not imagine how I would cope with losing my child...

P.S. Little Wayne is a really ugly little fucker

Oh, Love

I am feeling a lot of love today. To and from. Oh today is going to be a great day. Whenever I feel like this, I seem to radiate the love to other people and then everyone is happy! Except the Grinch working in the corner all by themselves, shut off from the rest of the world...but, I spread my love to them anyway, because, love can't hurt! I'm excited to go to work and spread my happiness throughout. Offices are usually stingy, quiet places but not today! I've gotten into trouble before for being "inappropriate" but I don't care. I will hug you if you look like you need a hug. And I don't care if I get written up or whatever happens to people when they sexually assault their co-workers. Love is important to make the world go round and round. I could never express enough love, and neither can you! Love love love!!!! Mmmmmmm what a fantastic day this will be!

I have this strange feeling that by 9 o'clock this evening, I will be feeling much different...........let's hope not!

Here Piggy Piggy Piggy

So the Orionids have come and gone once again, and did I do outside to watch them? No. Have I ever? No. I have wanted to, but for some reason, I never get to. Something always comes up. This year....I'm pretty sure I had the swine flu. I mean, there really is no evidence to back up my claim. I haven't had a fever, or aches and pains other than my chest cavity and everything connected to it, and I didn't go to the doctor....so logically...........fuck logic. I had H1N1, and I almost died. The WORST cold I have ever had in my life. Came out of nowhere that sneaky fuck and then when I woke up today....PERFECT! WTF? How could I go from literally wishing I could go into a coma until it was gone one day, to perfection the next day? My mother used to tell us when we were kids that she couldn't afford to be sick. She didn't have time to. I always thought she was crazy because you can't choose to be sick or not, it just happens. But this week it has been proven to me that I need to be the toughest shit possible. I can't talk because it hurts, but I have to talk, I have no choice. So I do. But then, because I am talking when I shouldn't be talking, I lose my breath, and eventually, my voice. I only lost my voice for about an hour because I forced it to come back. My breath however, has yet to fully return. Even today, when I feel "perfect" I still need to take a time out every 30 minutes to have breathing time. GOD I hate being sick. And I hate even more that when I'm sick, I can't rest and take baths and go to sleep whenever I feel like it. I hate that when Landon is sick, he gets to stay home from work and lay in bed all day while I make him soup and feed him Sudafed through a tube. Aeh motherhood. I'll never give it up. Hayden lost his fourth tooth today. His first tooth he lost less than a year ago. I don't remember ever losing that many teeth in one year. He's got two that are loose as well. Well at least he doesn't expect $20 per tooth because the Tooth Fairy is not made of money....although it would be nice if she was. There are so many teeth in my house now that I think about it....and even more to come. Elch....that's gross.

Death Bed

I am not afraid to tell anyone how I feel about them. If those feelings are negative though, I tend to be a bit more quiet. I don't outright say, "I hate you" but I still let them know in subtle ways. I can understand why some people would be afraid to tell someone else that they love them, afraid of the awkwardness or whatever, but I'm not afraid. I try think about the fact that what if something happened and I never got a chance to let them know that they were loved. I honestly try to love everyone but of course, there are those that just don't deserve my affection. I can't force myself to love someone that has a black heart. It's against my morals and everything I believe in. Love isn't the only feeling that I express freely. If you did something to piss me off, I will tell you. If you did something to make me sad, I will tell you. I prefer to be as honest as possible. BUT, if I am worried that I will hurt your feelings, I'll probably try and keep my mouth shut. I don't really like hurting people. On the honest note, I really have no secrets. I don't like secrets. They make me very weary and uncomfortable. I mean, of course there are things about myself that I don't talk about but that doesn't mean I'm going to lie if you ask me a question, no matter the subject. So the point of this blog is to ask you a question. Please, leave a comment letting me know. If I died today, would there be ANYTHING that you wish you had said to me? Say it NOW so you don't have to feel shitty later. Anything at all. Be it negative, positive, humourous, or something that makes no sense whatsoever, you just wanted to say it. Like, "Casey, did you know that the smallest man in the world is 22 inches tall? He lives in Nepal." Thank you for that random fact Mr. Smartypants. I needed that.

Blatant Ego Problems

God what the fuck is wrong with some people? Why do you push something away that's perfect for you, just to have a little temporary "freedom"? Do you not realize that you will NEVER get that perfect something back? Do you not realize that you are breaking their heart? That they have been trying so hard to get through to you and you just keep blowing them off for stupid meaningless material things? I personally have tried to intervene, because believe it or not, I DO know what's best for you. I don't understand how you can be so retarded and arrogant. You're fucking lame ass friends and their fucking cars are more important than a person. Than a perfect something. PERFECT dammit! I really am trying, and have been trying for WEEKS to understand what is going on with you and this perfection, but I can't. I can't comprehend why, in a million years, you would just let that go without giving it a 100%. You can't go through life half ass and expect to be happy. You can't just have "freedom" whenever you feel like it. Other people exist you know. This perfection was part of your family. You can't just toss your family whenever you feel stress. GOD I am SO disappointed in you it's ridiculous! First it was one, now the other. Both being fucking retards and thinking that it doesn't affect other people. Well it's affecting me. Get your fucking act together or so help me god, I give up.

A Letter

Dear Mom and Dad,
I have decided that now that I am one year old, I am going to be more of an angel than I was before my birthday. I am going to eat when you feed me, laugh when you tickle me, tolerate my brother, sleep when you put me to bed or to nap, give you things I'm not allowed to have, clean up after myself, show off when you're trying to impress your friends, and all around be wonderful. Be warned though, I don't know how long this perfection will last. As you are already aware, I am a baby, and babies change their minds all the time. But because you love me so much, and struggled with me and my attitude problem for one whole year, I think I'll give something back. I know it doesn't seem like much to some people, me just being a great baby, but I know in my heart what it means to you. I know that something as simple as going to bed wide awake and smiling, only to fall asleep within minutes without a single weep, is a very large gift to you. Maybe I can be a role model to my older brother by being so great and doing exactly as you ask, MOST of the time, instead of SOME of the time. I love you so much, so enjoy this gift of perfection while it lasts. Remember, Hayden's terrible two's started at about a year and a half so you don't have much time to take in as much babyness as you can get.

Love Alexander

Gobble Gobble

Good evening! Beautiful day eh? The sun was shining, the snow was falling, the turkey was cooking. Mmmmmmm Thanksgiving. I really couldn't have asked for a better day to remind me of what to be thankful for. When the weather is exactly to my liking, I can't seem to find anything that will bother me! Even the fact that I haven't seen my family in what seems like forever, and won't be seeing them at all this weekend, can't put me down. I mean, Thanksgiving should be a time when loved ones gather 'round and tell each other how much they love each other, and how thankful they are to have them in their lives, but again, such a gorgeous day, how can I think of how shitty it is that for the last three years, my mother has decided that Thanksgiving no longer deserves to be acknowledged? I get to go to my ma in law's, with all her siblings and such, and laugh and play and have an all around great time, eating delicious traditional Ukranian/Canadian cuisine that I personally did not help to create making that in itself a wonderful thing, all the while thinking about my family, and how wonderful it would be to be able to hang out with them. I remember when Thanksgiving was the ONE time of year when not only my immediate family, but my Auntie and cousin Richard as well, would all get together. Even at Christmas it wasn't likely Richard would be there. He was usually in Ontario or whatever. Thanksgiving was my favourite time of year for a long time. The weather, the anticipation of Halloween, the fucking turkey and pumpkin pie. Richard and my Auntie have always been considered part of my immediate family, but when she died, Richard decided he didn't need us anymore. He's been slowly wandering way ever since but now that his wifey is officially part of his immediate family, its a definite fact that he doesn't need us anymore. I think that's the main reason why my mom doesn't do Thanksgiving anymore. Its not because it reminds her too much of her sister, but because she can't deal with the heartbreak she feels when she realizes what Richard thinks of us. Don't get me wrong, I adore him more than ever, and always try to understand his reasons for leaving, but just one of these years, I would love for him to call and ask if he can come over for Thanksgiving. We've offered too many times only for him to decline. It's up to him now.

Today I am thankful for the obvious; my boys, my husband, my health and shelter and all that....but I am mostly thankful for the pain I feel whenever I think about those I've lost. If it weren't for that, I might never have realized how important they were to me. It's that pain that makes me love those who I love, and show them. I love you Landon, Amanda, Andrea, Sarah, Nicole, Betty, Johnathan, Elena and whoever else reads this that I don't know. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and take a note: Never hesitate to show your love. Never expect love in return. Just be happy knowing that you let that person know that someone loves them. They'll remember that when they're at their worst, and you could very well be saving their life. All you need is love. Its easy.

Music For The Soul

Songs you must listen to RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Download them illegaly if you must, but trust me, you'll love them. Turn the volume way the fuck up and enjoy. Wear headphones if you've got children about. And do it in order. Listen, Love it, Let me know what you think.

Classico - Tenacious D
Beelzeboss - Tenacious D
Master Exploder - Tenacious D

FUCK YES.

Winter?!

Today when I woke up, the sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was by all accounts, a beautiful day. The other night when I got home from work, I went outside for a smoke and watched the tiny, near invisible snow falling from the sky. I was excited. If there's one thing I love about Canada, its the snow. So I was excited two days ago when the itsy bitsy snow appeared out of nowhere. This morning sucked for me. I hated the sun, the great big blue sky, the lack of wind and the mild temperature. But as the day went on, the snow started coming. The beautiful, light, sweet, white fluffy snow. I've outside as much as I can today. Just sitting on the deck listening and watching the wonders of winter. I FUCKING love snow. I can never get enough. Almost all my memories of childhood involve snow. I hate summer. It's hot and muggy and everyone's wearing skimpy clothes and showing off and comparing bodies and its hot and I hate the heat. I DO however, love fishing, camping, canoeing, doing anything involving a lake. Except when its hot. Every year I say that I'm going get as much as I can out of winter before it leaves me again. I mean it this year. Sledding, skiing, ice fishing, maybe try snowboarding again, walking, snowmen, and just sitting and loving the falling snow. MMMMMMMMMMM and its yummy too!

Work It

So I'm sitting here at work, kicked out of training because I already know everything they're trying to teach me, and thinking about what I should do to waste my time before Landon comes to pick me up. So I decide to blog. BAD IDEA. First of all, the spacebar on this fucking computer doesn't work properly so I've been using the backspace button much more than any human should, and, this PC isn't exactly private, so I've been looking over my shoulder every ten seconds. One good thing about being back at work; I feel welcome. Len calls me "Case", which I love more than I could ever describe, and Lee is here, and no longer a manager which means I can swear at him and he can't tell me to shut up. I like Lee. He's innocently tragic in some way and always draws me in, making me more and more curious about his goings on outside of work. It's like there's some deep dark secret he's trying to hide. Being back at work has no other benefit (besides moola of course) than my ever growing attempt to get to know Lee. Yes, I did tell Lee to read my blog today, and therefore felt it necessary to include him in my ramblings. For those loyal readers, join me in my curiosity. That way, when I do discover that Lee is the Dexter of Saskatoon, you'll be the first to know.

Work is inevitable in this wonderful western civilization, so I dedicate this blog to focusing on the good things, rather than the bad. Discovering serial killers being the goodest.

I Love Jimmy Fallon

Today my second born son turned one. One year old. It was a nice day. We had close friends and family come over to my mom and dad's, eat some cake, and open some wonderful presents. I wanted to video tape it but I couldn't find an blank tape, so I searched through my many tapes in the closet that I never watch, and found that said CRAP and Hayden. So I watched it. The first bit was a bonfire in Landon's dad's backyard where us being stupid, poured gasoline all over the sidewalk and lit it on fire. It was scarily awesome. After that, it was a visit to the zoo with a two year old Hayden. A cute cute CUTE two year old baby boy. After that.........a 15 minute or so long documentation of my arrival home, drunk out of my tree. First, I'm passed out on the couch with my roommate, my skirt up too far. Then, me passed out on the floor next to my roommate, my skirt at a decent length. Then, me struggling to find my way two the bathroom, banging into everything, my eyes barely open. And finally, ending in me passed out on the bathroom floor, but not before dry heaving into the toilet. I watched the whole thing. I thought about the fact that my sweet little two year old Hayden was in his room sleeping during all this. I thought about the fact that Landon was video taping this. I wondered what he was thinking. I wondered why he put up with me. I am so glad he did. I taped over that with Alex's first birthday party. So now, when you watch the tape, you see cute little two year old Hayden, followed immediately by cute little one year old Alex, then back again to cute little two year old Hayden playing at the park. Yeah its gonna look funny when I watch the tape a few years from now, and probably confuse the hell out of anyone who watches it, but I don't care. I'm glad that time of my life is erased. I'm so glad I don't drink anymore. Not even a drop. Thank god for Landon.