Just Because

I'm feeling materialistic today. The following is a list of some of the things I want.

Is That Normal?

It hurts to close my eyes all the way, and when I sleep they're about a 6th of the way open. It takes me at least 2 hours to fall asleep after I've gotten into bed because of this.

I can't remember at least 80% of my life experience, and the stuff that I do remember, I have an incredibly difficult time distinguishing between dreams or reality.

I dream extremely vividly, which doesn't help my memory problem. I dream every time I fall asleep, even if its for only 5 minutes.

I will confess, that I am attracted to some women. The only ones I'm ever attracted to though, are ones that are so intimidating that I can barely speak when they're around. And they're always so incredibly beautiful that there is no way I would ever EVER touch them for fear of ruining their perfection.

I will pick winter over summer any day. On that note, I do not have any interest to travel to tropical locations i.e. Hawaii, Jamaica, or anywhere south of me. I would, like to see the Amazon maybe, New Caledonia perhaps, or maybe Madagascar, but only because I want to dance with lemurs that sound like Sasha Baron Cohen.

I have no talents.

Woohoo Cancer

I surround myself with pop culture for some reason I can't really comprehend. I love TV and Music and Movies and gossip columns. I involve myself in some celebrities' lives so much that when something spectacular happens to them, I feel it. I recently learned that my dearest Dexter has Lymphoma. This blows so much. I really really have a lot of admiration for this man, so its really devastating to hear something like that. What sucks more though, is that his lymphoma is now in remission. My dad's isn't. My dad's never will be. Its not fair. Because he's a celebrity, he gets to live. I don't consciously think about it very often, but its always there, lurking in the back of my head, "one day closer to his death, one less day you have with him". When I learned that my dad was dying, I knew that this would somehow end up being all about my mother. She even said, within the first few days, no, hours, of the news becoming public, that we were to not forget that she was there. That the spouses always get left in the dark while the family mauls over the cancer stricken one. That she didn't want that to happen, that she was important too. There's been so many times since this happened that she's gone all crazy selfish and even on New Year's Day, said, "This is MY year! I'm not doing anything for anyone!" This is the hardest part of going through all this. I love my dad and feel so sad sometimes, but I'm so afraid to show it. I'm so afraid of her jealousy. I wish I could just go up to my mom and say, "I'm scared" and she would hug me and rub my back and whisper nice things to me while I cried and cried. I wish I could talk about how I feel about people other than her. I'm so lonely without her. I miss her so much and she doesn't even notice. Every time I see her I forget all the nasty ways she's treated me and tell her I love her and tell her I miss her and she just says, "Its not my fault that you don't come out here to see me." I hate what she's doing to me. I hate how no one else in my family will do anything. We all just sit here letting her do this. When my dad does die, we'll all probably be so terrified to show any affection that Landon will have to do the eulogy. I wish I could just be sad in peace. Mourn my father's health with pride. I hate how this is the only thing I ever talk about anymore. My mother. I shouldn't let her rule my life like this. I just can't type about anything else lately.

Indecisive

So I changed it again...back to private. Maybe someday when I know that my thoughts are free from judgment and ridicule I'll change it back. I just need to keep telling myself that one day I will write a book, and THEN I'll be rich and famous, and then I REALLY won't care what she thinks......maybe.

SomeThingsILikeToEnjoyWhenI'mFeelingDown


Dexter Morgan/Michael C. Hall/David Fisher. Especially when he dances and sings


Canoeing. Anywhere.


Shopping on Amazon, even just window shopping

When my kids are far far away for a night

Drinking Coke, collecting Coke items, looking at my Coke items that I already have

Learning about Denmark. Talking about Denmark. Thinking about Denmark


Trees. Camping.

Eating delicious junk food, then getting fatter.

Especially Lady Gaga, or Michael Jackson

Reading.

Publicity

So I changed my blog back to public. Now anyone and everyone and their cat when the cat is home alone (because I'm pretty sure cats do people things when no one's looking) can read my blog. I hated having it private. I am not a private person and having to "secure" my "information" makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I realized that I really don't care who reads my thoughts anymore. Even if its someone who's personal relationship with me has been soley based on bullshit for the last 26 years and them reading this will bring things to the surface that without the blog probably would have never been discussed reads it, that's okay.

So on Facebook......boring boring Facebook......I was tagged in a note about dreams. Not the sleepy kind, but the, "my dream is to one day make out with Johnny Depp" kind. At the end of the written inspiration there was a little, "I tagged people that I know have dreams within them...follow your heart :)". I read that and thought, "Okay fine, I'll tell you about my dreams and which ones have come true and which ones have yet to come true. Maybe it'll inspire someone else" We all know how much I love talking about myself so how can I miss an opportunity when someone asks me to????

I will live in Denmark one day. To you, the non-Denmark-educated, it may seem that this is a silly dream. To me though, it is my biggest dream. Denmark has everything I want there, most importantly, no one I know. I would love to get away from the pressure of everything that is North America, just for a little while. Plus they have no tornadoes there. I don't like tornadoes.

I will meet Ellen one day. I briefly discussed this earlier, but wanted to mention it again.

When I own a house and am comfortable with my finances, I will drive around a few times a month, picking up street kids and bringing them in for a family supper. Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be full of lots of stranger love and I will be satisfied. Because stranger love is the best kind of love.

When I die, or move away to Denmark, my friends and family will speak of me as a passionate advocate of human rights and education. Someday I will be a well known activist in these areas and I will help to change the world and bring the people out of ignorance.

I have other small aspirations for myself and my family, but all the big dreams have already been accomplished. I am happy, I have two beautiful children and I have a wonderful husband. I DON'T have a house, but I don't need one right now. I DON'T have a puppy or kitty, but they will come in time. I don't have a million dollars, but I do have everything I need. My kids are fed and clothed and we have somewhere to live.

I believe in freedom of speech. With respect of course. You can't just go around yelling "NIGGA" whenever the hell you want, but you should be able to express your opinions in regards to the word "nigger" without being afraid of a black person knocking you out.

I believe in freedom of religion. If want to be an atheist and live a "negative" lifestyle then let me be. If you want to believe that aliens rule over mankind.....well.... as long as you have checked with your doctor to make sure you're not clinically insane, then all the power to you.

I believe in human rights in the most general sense. I have every right to do whatever I want to my own body. If I want to fill it with drugs or alcohol or penises that is MY choice. Who are you to tell me I can't do that??? Go ahead and try to "save" me from myself buy taxing the shit out of it, but don't tell I can't do it and send me to jail for smoking a joint. Jackass.

I believe that no has the right to take another human life, with the possible exception of self defense.....POSSIBLE. If someone breaks into my home and threatens the lives of my family, I may have to kill you. But capitol punishment and non life threatening abortions should not be allowed.

I believe we need to educate our children better. Whoever said "ignorance is bliss" is an asshole.

Edward Barbie.....really......

Okay so I've been neglecting you. There are a million reasons why but I'll short form it for you. Christmas time is busy, I'm lazy, the computer never co-operates, Alex keeps pressing the button to turn it off, I'm really lazy, and I have to work at night and am therefore tired when I get home and don't want to type during the day. I've been getting a lot of "update your fucking blog you lazy ass" lately so here. Landon and I have been married for 7 months (almost 8), but together for 7 years. I love this man more than you could ever comprehend. We've been through too much....so much more than is allowed but it was all worth it. He is the greatest dad to my boys and the greatest husband I could ever ask for.

I was watching Ellen yesterday, who is my personal hero, and she announced that all of her contests are now open to Canadians. She then had her opera singer dude come out dressed in Mountie gear with a Canadian flag singing our national anthem. I cried. I am literally obsessed with Ellen. I have been ever since I was young, and her sitcom was on TV. I've always thought she was hilarious, and I love how generous and kind and beautiful and gay she is. I would do anything I could to meet her in person...and now....that dream seems closer to reality.

For Christmas I got some sweet Coca-Cola lip gloss, a gift card to get my hair done, a book about how to have lucid dreams at will and an Edward Cullen Barbie doll. Best Christmas ever.