Terrific Tuesdays

Hey, remember these? I was told that they need a comeback, so today, here are some things I am thankful to have:

Brittany, Brooklyn, Shea, Amanda, Jessie, Gordana, Kris, Landon and Richard - Not that these 9 people are anymore important than the rest of the people in my life, but these 9 people have had an incredibly positive impact on my life recently. I swear to you, if it wasn't for these people, I would be lost. I would be a total disaster.

Betty and Johnathan - Johnathan needs me, and therefore I feel important to him. Betty loves me unconditionally, and therefore I feel important to her. I need to feel important to my siblings, as they have no idea how important they are to me.

Drugs - my fucking head hurts, my heart hurts, my mind is chaotic, my body aches, my lungs don't work and my sleeping is terrible. Drugs help. Thank you drugs.

Crows and Ravens- I just love them. They're so pretty. I wish I had one. I would name him Terrence. Or Florence, if it was a girl

Nope.

Yesterday I went to work for 3 hours. Then I went home because of these stupid goddamn headaches that I get 24/7 but before I left, I talked to my boss and she said that my attendance is abysmal. Whatever that means. I figured it was bad, so I started to feel shitty. I went home anyway because I couldn't possibly be productive while my brain was trying to squish out of my eye and ear holes. I went home, I went to bed, and except for the odd 5 minutes where I was not in bed, I stayed there until 6:30 this morning. I was in bed for like 16 hours. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anything but the day to be over. Today I feel exactly the same, BUT, unlike yesterday, I don't want to feel this way. I refuse to go home. I refuse to let my headaches rule my life. I refuse to be a big mopey waste of space. I'm going to be happy dammit. I'm going to take a shitload of drugs and energy drinks and sugar and tell the entire world to go fuck itself.

I Really Like The Cranberries

I cried for you today. I haven't cried in a long time. I really can't remember the last time I cried for you. I think about you daily, some days more than others, but I usually just think about you in general. How wonderful you are. How happy you made me. How interesting you are. I feel so black inside. I feel like there's this empty space in my soul where you used to be. I will never be able to fill that empty space. Its so different missing someone who's alive vs missing someone who's dead. When you died, it was like this amazing energy and light source just got snuffed out, never to be lit again. All I can think about these last few days is your absence. How your life source is just gone. Just, gone. I don't like it. I don't like not feeling you around somewhere. I always knew you were there, no matter what. Now that's gone. I don't have that anymore. It feels weird and strange and I hate it. I just wish I could connect to you somehow. I don't even need to see you or talk to you. I just need to feel you. I just need to know that you're still somewhere. I'm at the point where I will do anything to get you back. To get that feeling back. To be happy again. To feel better. This darkness you created is growing.

In Treatment...

...is a really boring TV show. I thought I would like it, cuz its all about crazy people in therapy and I LOVE crazy people. But all its all just a bunch of somber blah blah blahing. Boring. Don't watch it.

ANYWAYS, I am now officially in therapy. You're jealous.

I was trying to explain to Landon after our session (yes we went together because we're super lame like that) about how I was feeling. I was rambling and managed to get something out along the lines of me being disappointed in myself for being too proud to seek help earlier. I'm now in the worst state I've ever been all because I was too proud. I'm not a proud person really. I'm usually pretty good at admitting when I'm wrong or when I need help...I think. Maybe. I don't even know. Either way, I'm forced to face the fact that I cannot get through this without psychological assistance.

SO DEAR READERS! You get to watch me fall down down down and burn up into ashes right before your eyes! BUT THEN I will rise from the ashes as an awesome, flaming (non homosexually) happy little Phoenix bird. And then everything will be okay.

Tune in next time for when I begin to divulge the darkest parts of me. You need to see them, in order to see the brightest parts of me for what they really are. Are you ready for my parents cocktail party? That's where we're going? Happy Date Night...yay!

Dear Travis

There's been a lot happening lately. I did actually start a private blog a while ago, because of all the stuff that I couldn't talk about here. As you know, I'm very open about myself and my experiences because I hope that one day I will be able to show people that you can get through it. It does get better. No matter how shitty I feel, there is still a small part of me that believes it will get better.

From someone else's perspective, it may appear that I have hit rock bottom. I prefer to see it as if I were a Phoenix, because Phoenix's are awesome. My old life is burning up into flames and I am turning into ash. Soon though, I will rise again from the ashes and fly away to a better and happier life.

I don't want commitment to anyone or anything aside from my children. I have purposely taken actions to destroy my marriage. I have purposely done things to test the people in my life. I don't need people who are only going to stand by me when I'm married and leading a socially acceptable successful life. I need the ones who will tell me they love me, that they understand me, that they support me, when I'm nothing but a pile of ashes. I need the ones who will help clean me off and help me fly. Not the ones who will kick my ass and call me a pathetic excuse for a mother, wife, and person. I am not those things. I am a good mother. I am a decent wife considering I hate being a wife. And I am one hell of a great person. Just because I'm not happy living the life you want to live, doesn't mean that I'm evil. Everyone has different ideals and different things that make them happy. I want to do what I want to do. Maybe if you would shut the fuck up for a few minutes and open your goddamn mind, you would understand that there are different people with different agendas and different differences. Not everyone wants society's idea of a perfect life. I thought that's what I wanted. Married, in a house, some kiddies and the same fucking thing every single day...but I've grown up, and I've opened my eyes. This is not what I want. This does not make me happy. Everything I could have had, everything I could have become, got taken away from when I was 19 years old. I haven't even had a chance to discover what it was that I truly wanted until now.

My Heart Hurts

Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.

The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, tell me
Is this the end?

Body Art

This is a scar. Scarification is a form of body art, NOT self mutilation.I am interested in body art, particularly this type. I am interested in doing this art on other people. This, I did to myself, with a razor blade. It was very easy and not nearly as painful as one would assume. Much less annoying than a tattoo. It takes a lot longer to heal, but the healing process is no where near as excruciating as a tattoo. Where I live, there is one (maybe) person who does this. Unfortunately, in order for me to get into this professionally, I would need to apprentice under someone, or, line up enough clients to create a portfolio and a name for myself. Sounds a lot easier than it is. Not very many people accept this as an art form, let alone are willing to let me cut them open. Fortunately I have lined up two people. I'm excited for this. I am pretty convinced that art is my way of life.

Trash

How did it start?
Well I don't know
I just feel the craving
I see the flesh and it smells fresh and it's just there for the taking
These little girls, they make me feel so god damn exhilarated
I feel them up, I can't give it up
The pain that I'm just erasing

I tell my lies, and I despise
Every second I'm with you
So I run away and you still stay
So what the fuck is with you? 　

Your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
My heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away 　

I don't know why I'm so fucking cold
I don't know why it hurts me
All I wanna do is get with you and make the pain go away
Why do I have a conscience?
All it does is fuck with me
Why do I have this torment?
All I wanna do is fuck it away 　

I tell my lies, and I despise
Every second I'm with you
So I run away and you still stay
So what the fuck is with you? 　

Your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
My heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away 　

I tell my lies, and I despise
Every second I'm with you
So I run away and you still stay
So what the fuck is with you? 　

Your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
My heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away 　

(I) Just throw you away
(I) Just throw you away
(I) Just throw you away
(I) Just throw you away

I Wish RedBull Ran Through My Viens Instead of Blood

This post is going to chronicle my addictions/dependencies. Hopefully by writing them down, and on a public forum, it will help me to fix these problems which are MUCH easier to fix than the mental disorders from which I currently suffer...AND by fixing these, I will fix my mental disorders a little bit.

Caffeine/Taurine/Energy Drinks - I currently consume a shitload of caffeine on a daily basis. Average 3 energy drinks a day PLUS several cups of black coffee. I absolutely will not be giving up coffee anytime soon but the energy drinks MUST go. ASAP. I have terrible headaches, I can't sleep ever, my body feels heavy and difficult to move and my heart races so fast and beats so hard that I can feel it in my neck. My body also has severe withdrawal affects when I "miss a dose". Landon and I are on a mission to cut my dependency by replacing these energy drinks with vitamin supplements. I've only had one so far and I already felt and incredible difference.

Nicotine - Oh cigarettes. I often sit and wonder what it would be like to not want you. Being told by someone with a crinkled up nose and disgusted look on their face that I smell like smoke helps to make me want to quit you.

THC - I've been partaking in the act of smoking marijuana for years, but not until recently have I become dependant on it to help me with several things, including sleep, sex, and stresslessness. Yes I made that last word up to fit with the other esses. The SECOND my kids are safely asleep in their beds, I get everything ready so I can go outside and forget that I feel like my soul is trying to break free from my body. Once my mind is at the most peaceful place it can be, I fucking relax, and its GREAT. The problem with this (I know I didn't really think there was one either) is that I cannot sleep, sex or stressless myself happily without it. That's clearly a dependency.

Pain - I MUST feel hurt every single day, sometimes several times a day. Feeling pain is the ONLY thing that keeps me from losing my shit on everyone for being fucking assholes. I have no fucking idea why.

Facebook - Sounds stupid I know but Facebook provides me with socializing, arguing, educating, humouring, and enjoying myself. Instead of supplementing my life with Facebook, I orbit my life around it. Everything I do must be something worthy of posting on Facebook, or its not interesting to me. I absolutely cannot go more than an hour without checking it. I'm on it right now. Nothing has changed since I last checked it 5 minutes ago.

Sugar - I really don't need to explain this one. Its fucking sweet, delicious, wonderful sugar.

I FUCKING LOVE you.

Buried Alive

During one of the several discussions between Landon and I where I'm trying to describe my thoughts and feelings, I started to describe to the best of my ability using the analogy of "hoarding". After the talk I realized that this is probably the most accurate description of my life, my soul, my mind, my ME. My life force, my essence, my whatever I am, is a hoarder. I keep piling shit on, more and more and more and more. More shit on top of shit. I don't want to clean it, I don't want to organize it, I don't want to stop piling shit on. I like the shit. I'm attached to the shit. Its MINE. Don't fuck with it. Don't move something from where it is to somewhere else. I like where it is. I'm comfortable in my chaotic mess. I like to just sit in the middle of it and look around. I like noticing something I haven't in a long time and remembering the way it made me feel. I like smelling something and all of a sudden my mind is flooded with memories. I like my hoarded out basement.

HOWEVER
I know that this is unhealthy. I've seen the shows where these people are living in a pile of filth, and its gotten so bad that their family and friends have all left until they get some help. I know that I need to overhaul my life. I need to overhaul my hoarded brain. I don't want to though. I'm scared. I want to keep my stuff. I want to keep adding more stuff. I want to suffocate in my stuff, mentally surrounded by everything I love. I want to be a mental hoarder forever. I'm terrified of therapy. I'm terrified of cleaning my mind. I want peace so bad yet I refuse to give up any of my shit for it. I don't want to be empty. I don't want any more holes.