There's been a lot happening lately. I did actually start a private blog a while ago, because of all the stuff that I couldn't talk about here. As you know, I'm very open about myself and my experiences because I hope that one day I will be able to show people that you can get through it. It does get better. No matter how shitty I feel, there is still a small part of me that believes it will get better.
From someone else's perspective, it may appear that I have hit rock bottom. I prefer to see it as if I were a Phoenix, because Phoenix's are awesome. My old life is burning up into flames and I am turning into ash. Soon though, I will rise again from the ashes and fly away to a better and happier life.
I don't want commitment to anyone or anything aside from my children. I have purposely taken actions to destroy my marriage. I have purposely done things to test the people in my life. I don't need people who are only going to stand by me when I'm married and leading a socially acceptable successful life. I need the ones who will tell me they love me, that they understand me, that they support me, when I'm nothing but a pile of ashes. I need the ones who will help clean me off and help me fly. Not the ones who will kick my ass and call me a pathetic excuse for a mother, wife, and person. I am not those things. I am a good mother. I am a decent wife considering I hate being a wife. And I am one hell of a great person. Just because I'm not happy living the life you want to live, doesn't mean that I'm evil. Everyone has different ideals and different things that make them happy. I want to do what I want to do. Maybe if you would shut the fuck up for a few minutes and open your goddamn mind, you would understand that there are different people with different agendas and different differences. Not everyone wants society's idea of a perfect life. I thought that's what I wanted. Married, in a house, some kiddies and the same fucking thing every single day...but I've grown up, and I've opened my eyes. This is not what I want. This does not make me happy. Everything I could have had, everything I could have become, got taken away from when I was 19 years old. I haven't even had a chance to discover what it was that I truly wanted until now.
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