Desire

Its incredibly unfair that I cannot have you all to myself, or that I can not have whatever and who ever I want. Why should I be denied all the pleasures in life that I so desire just because its "immoral"??? After a very recent realization, I am learning to embrace the fact that I am incredibly possesive and territorial, maybe even selfish. BUT only when it comes to people. I'm not materialistic in the least, but if you are a person involved in my life in some way, you now belong to me. I don't want anyone to love you more than I do. I don't want anyone else to feel the way I feel if you die, or if you run away, or if you need help. I want to be THE ONE for you. ME. No one else. I feel more deserving than anyone else in your life because I know that no one else will ever be what I can be for you. If you would only let me be free, I could change the world for you and for everyone else. I could educate you and make you see that you need me. You NEED me to be the one for everything.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that crazy. I just feel like this right now, and felt the need to share how I feel, which is the soul purpose of this blog. Take it how you will, I don't care. I also know that personally, I need a lot of different people in my life to feel satisfied, so I can't expect you to only need me. I just want you to need me first. And I want to be allowed to be needed by everyone.

I am so my mother.

Synesthesia

I really miss my friend Matt Oscienny.

Tool - Lateralus - Japanese Koto <-----epic

Tool - Lateralus - The Fibonacci Sequence <------more epic. This one you MUST watch, rather than just listen

Justin Chancellor is a genius.

I Feel Like Flying

I'm changing. I'm always changing, except that right now its very drastic. In some good ways and in some bad ways. Those closest to me (Landon) are having a difficult time embracing my changes and even though I can understand where they're coming from, I really just wish I could be left alone to find myself in peace. Actually, I'm not sure I believe that I will ever "find myself". I've been learning and therefore growing and changing my opinions and views my entire life. I was once very quiet, conservative, religious, naive and judgmental. Honestly, I really attribute my current personality to my creepiness. I'm a major creep. I used to say, "I just like to watch people", but I've finally wholeheartedly embraced the fact that I just like to know who you are. So, because of this creepy curiosity, I learn. I get inspired. I empathize. I embrace parts of that I used to hide, because I see them in you. So I'm changing who I am and I'm scared that I am losing the people who have known me forever, and can't understand why I'm a different person. I have a problem with delving a lot of information about myself. I am not a mystery. But, because I am passionate about a particular subject at a particular time, and express those feelings out loud, if I ever change those opinions, I get ridiculed. Why aren't I allowed to grow? Why aren't I allowed to learn and become a better me? I'm much more happy with who I am as a person than I was 2 years ago, and even more so 4 years ago, and more so 6 years ago, and so on. This is who I am. I am grounded, and I do have my core values that you will not ever fuck with no matter how hard you try, but one of those is my open mind and willingness to listen. So let me be. Let me grow.

The Incredible Hulk

Someone, possibly Landon I don't remember, recently told me that just because I have a blog that some people read doesn't meant that I should be pressured to write something substantial all the time. Please enjoy this video

Oh No...

I'm really into pop culture. I have been since I was very young. I don't think anything's wrong with it. I don't think it makes me any less intelligent than if I were into astrophysics or Dungeons and Dragons. I think people just like what they like and learn about what they want to learn about. I actually quite enjoy showing off my random celebrity fact knowledge, especially to Landon who doesn't know his Tom Cruise's from his Tom Hanks'. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Perez Hilton and there are a TON of celebrities that I do not know fuck all about, but if I knew everyone and everything, I would be bored. Okay look my point is, I love Lady Gaga. I fucking adore her. My parents hate her. They did like her, until she showed up to a baseball game in her underwear and trashed Jerry Seinfeld's sky box. I still love her. She's incredible. Her mind is awe inspiring. I love art and she's nothing short of a brilliant artist. Even if her music isn't technically great, just fucking look at her. Watch her move, listen to her talk, smell her sperm/blood perfume. She's amazing and I am so blessed to able to watch her grow in the spotlight. Because I am so obsessed with her, watching her fail would be devastating to me. So I'm watching Jay Leno right now, which I have not done once since he became an asshole back in early 2010, obviously, because Gaga is on. She just recently released her new single Born This Way and after reading the lyrics I was incredibly excited. HOWEVER: The song, to say the least, was a disappointment. Its just...well, boring. I really didn't feel anything from it, even with the great lyrics. So back to Leno. I missed her Grammy performance because of stupid in laws, so am now enduring the likes of fat old Leno to see Gaga. I'm pretty sure she's going crazy. I'm pretty sure that her fame and opportunity have begun to get the best of her. As I previously stated, the thought of watching my beloved Stefani Germanotta would destroy me. She has pretty much been my god for the last 2 years. She has helped me and guided me and inspired me through a LOT of shit. I literally have her on the highest possible pedestal so her losing her mind would be like watching her fall helplessly from the CN Tower. I really shouldn't let myself get attached to these people as much as I do.

I Wasn't There For Goodbye

I wasn't there for you
I wasn't there for you
I know weather's gonna be fine
But I can't see you 'cross the streamline
My love waits for me in daytime
But I can't see you through the snow blind

But I wasn't there for you
You are gone (I wasn't there for you)
Goodbyes are long
Goodbye (I wasn't there for you)
Goodbye
I wasn't there for goodbye
I wasn't there for goodbye

Well, I know time reveals in hindsight
I can't wrestle with the stormy night
Because your love lasts a lifetime
But I can see you through the snow blind

But I wasn't there for you
You are gone (I wasn't there for you)
Goodbyes are long
You are gone (I wasn't there for you)
Goodbyes are long
Goodbye

I wasn't there for you
I wasn't there
I wasn't there for you
I wasn't there for you
You are gone (I wasn't there for you)
Goodbyes are long
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye