First Of All....

WHAT THE FUCK BLOGGER?!!!!!  I leave you alone for a few weeks and you go all apeshit.

Tonight, I hurt my son's feelings.

To all parents, I'm sure you can understand what this feels like, depending on of course, the age of your child, so to save your soul from reliving the nightmare, don't read on.
If you haven't yet scarred your own child with genuine hurt, then please, don't read on.  It sucks.  A lot.

Landon and I spring cleaned our apartment today.  From dawn until dusk, my children were indoors, with neglectful parents, shitty take out food, and no entertainment aside from video games and cartoons.  I was a terrible mother today.

When evening came around, and the boys were getting ready for bed, Hayden came up to me, in the midst of my throwing every single toy in Alex's room away, and said,
"Mom, I just realized what today is!  It's Saturday.  And I was thinking, since you and dad have been so busy today, and me and Alex have just been in my room all day, that we could have............A FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT!"
"Oh Hayden," said I, "I would LOVE to, but I really have to get this done.  Maybe you and Alex can watch a movie in Mom and Dad's room."
"I understand.  You and Dad and have been working so hard.  I will help get Alex calmed down and try to keep him in your room while you guys finish.", offered Hayden
"Sounds perfect.  Now go on, I've got more stuff to do."

An hour later, somehow Alex was in the tub and Hayden was in his room watching cartoons.  I took over for Landon and got Alex out of the bath, in his jammies, and in his bed with a Dora Christmas Special on VHS (nothin but the best for our boys).  Hayden came along and I immediately snapped and told him to go to his room and "stay there until I come talk to you!"

I went to Hayden, apologized for the change of plans, wished him a goodnight, and went outside for a smoke.  After I had come in and was playing on Facebook, he came out of his room and asked if I would cuddle with him.  (Hayden is eight and very affectionate.  He's a wonderfully emotional young man, with such brilliance that it constantly astounds me.  It's as if his soul is 75 years old.)  I said, yes, of course I would, and to go back to bed and wait.

About 30 minutes went by, and Hayden came out again, asking for cuddles.  I said, "I will cuddle with you when you're sleeping, Babe. Back to bed."

I went in 15 minutes later, and he looked right at me, with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and said, "You really hurt my feelings.  I don't want to cuddle anymore"
I said, "Hayden, I am so sorry if I hurt your feelings.  I don't know what I have done.  Would you please tell me, so I can fix it?"
"No.  I don't want to.", he sniffled.
"Hayden I'm so sorry.  I love you."
"Go away."

After slowly and silently walking out of Hayden's room, I sat on the couch, stared at floor, and started crying. 

Never once before tonight, has my son refused to say "I love you", and instead...uttered, "Go away" under a short, tempered breath. My heart aches with such an incredible emotional pain; that, equal only to childbirth. Unfortunately for myself, I see no happy ending in sight. I have scarred my first true love with such memorable loathing. He will never forget whatever I did, to make him feel that way.

 After composing myself, and inhaling far too much nicotine, I walked back into Hayden's room.  I asked him if he'd changed his mind, and to please tell me what I had done to hurt his feelings.  He told me, that when I said I would cuddle with him while he's sleeping, he assumed that I only ever cuddled with him while he was sleeping.  This made sense to him as he couldn't remember the last time I had cuddled with him.  He thought about why I never cuddled with him anymore...and began to wonder, if I only said that I would cuddle with him when he was sleeping, so that he would never know that I'm actually not cuddling with him.  He thought that I didn't love him enough to want to cuddle with him, and he was hurt that I had lied to him.

 After crying into the backs of his knees, I reassured Hayden as best I could, that this was NOT the case, and that actually, what I try to do, is sneak up on him like the mother in I Will Always Love You.  He accepted that as the truth, because Hayden and I have a special bond over that book.  That is, and I'm sure always will be, Hayden's favourite book.

My biggest fear, is that for one second, my children think that I don't love them.  This happened to me tonight.  My biggest fear in life betided.

I Missed Jann Arden

I am so lonely. And frustrated. And angry. I need a job. I can't stand being unemployed. I miss MarketLinc. I miss them. I am so mad at myself for fucking it up. I am so angry that I never fixed my problems in time and therefore lost my job. I thought I was on the up. I was optimistic and hopeful. Then I got fired and it feels like everything has come crashing down. I need a break. I need some time to be alone and actually realize what it is that I have done to my family.