I Don't Like Palm Trees

Twelve posts in one month?! Congratulations Casey on your most active month ever. Lets hope that my wanting to write about stuff sticks around so I can continue to entertain you; my lovers. My art project was postponed until April 10th. So lets hope nothing goes wrong and I can get this shit done already! I am itching for another tattoo and my impatience is a curse...so I'm going for a walk in this Saturday. If I don't go now, I'll change my mind and want something different. Like a Wonder Woman pin up on my arm. Bleh! Not right now.... I love my parents. I love my siblings. Tomorrow is April Fool's Day and I need to think of something to do... I'm not answering any phone calls from my brother that day. I'm really content/unfulfilled which is the worst combination of emotions EVER. I can handle happy/sad, angry/compassionate, tired/hyper and all other opposite/happening at the same time things but this one is HARD! Maybe I should buy some fortune cookies or read some horoscopes. I ate bacon the other day and it was delicious. I also secretly ate a bite of Mennonite sausage. It was also delicious. Sorry Brittany In one month and 13 days I will be 28 years old. I'm alright with that. One of the most hilarious things that I think people say is "what gives?" Hahahahahahahaha, what gives indeed. Have a great day! I am

Bumblebees Are Wonderful

I haven't told you in a while and for that I'm sorry. I should tell you much more often because its important to remember. I don't want you to ever think for a second that I feel different. I don't want you to ever believe that I am not there for you. No matter what is happening, I will always and forever until the end of time, unconditionally and unfathomably love you. You are the light and the end of my tunnel. You are the reason I am here and the reason I am fighting for my sanity. There is nothing I want more than for you to know that I love you. Never forget it. Never doubt it. I love you forever. You are my everything.

I'm Afraid...

This is what I see when I close my eyes. This particular piece is titled "Convergance" but that is not what I see. I see chaos and confusion and complications and other c words. I see a complete inability to focus. So many things going on at the exact same time and if I try to see one, I still see everything. My mind is a constant blur of emotions and thoughts. Most of the time I just sit and stare because I can't speak, there's too much trying to get out at once. I wear my sunglasses or I don't look you in the eye because I'm afraid of what you will see. I'm a total mess and no matter how hard I try to clean it up, it just gets worse and worse. There are so many things that I want RIGHT NOW. There are so many things that I need. There are so many people who need me. I wish I was free. I wish I was a bird. Then I could float around and feel the air on my face and the weightlessness on my body. My mind could be empty and I could be at peace.

Pray with me Forrest.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far, far away from here.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far, far away from here.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far, far away from here.

Atheism

I don't care how I'll be judged or perceived. I don't care what you think of me and my decisions. I have feelings that I can't control. People can't control how they feel. They just feel. If I so happen to feel some way, I embrace that. So fuck off if you disagree with me. I don't need to hear your "you should"s and "that's bad"s. You're just wasting your breath. If you're curious, ask me. But don't talk behind my back and make uneducated assumptions. Don't assume you know anything about what I believe in or what I've gone through to bring me here. I'm not fucked up. I'm perfect. I'm perfect for me and if you can't handle that then you can go fuck yourself. I don't try to make you feel something different nor do I try to make you believe anything different. You wanna believe in god? Go right the fuck ahead. I'm not gonna tell you that you shouldn't. I'm not gonna tell you that you're wrong. I am gonna tell you that its wrong for me, and you should leave me the fuck alone, but you go ahead and pray for my soul. You go right the fuck ahead and talk about me and my damnation to your church group all you want. I'm tired of being preached at. I'm tired of being called things like selfish and negative. I'm not those things. I'm angry yes, but I'm not a fucking asshole, and even if I was, its DEFINITELY not because I'm a logical and scientific thinker. So again, FUCK OFF ALREADY. Let me be! Let me just love you and let yourself love me for who I am, not what I believe.

Aluminum Cans Are 100% Recyclable

I love my little sister. I love my older sister too but today we'll talk about my Beedy. I am so incredibly lucky to have her. Her and I are very close and she knows me better than anyone else. I am 100% myself around her. I am my crazy self, I am my sad self, I am my insecure self, my smart self, my funny self, my mother self, my daughter self and my everything else self around her. She's the only person who has gotten to see each and every side of me. The only other person could be Landon, but even he hasn't seen everything. She will never judge me. She will never discriminate me. She will never hate me. She should hate me. For everything that I have done to her, I don't deserve her love and respect. But her love and respect is clearly unconditional. She is my best friend and I thank my parents every single day for giving her to me. Without her I would not have made it to this day. She may be my younger sister but most of the time, she is the one giving me support. Her and I have been to hell and back. We have hated each other and hurt each other but we have never ignored each other. I am fully aware of how fortunate I am to have her. I'm an incredibly fortunate person when it comes to my family. I have my sister who is my very best friend forever and ever and I have my brother who I am also very close to. And I have my April-Lee. I'll save that for another post. My parents are the greatest people I know. They have given me so much without even trying. I love my Beedy so very much.

There's A Monkey Hanging From The Banister...

Its Saint Patrick's Day. Woo. Let's all get drunk. That's all this holiday is for. Drinking and an excuse to pinch people. I chose to wear black today. I actually wear black everyday, but today I made a strong effort to NOT wear green. I do not, nor will I ever, celebrate this day. And if you pinch me, you had better be prepared for an ass kicking.

I don't know what it is with March. My fingers want to type type type away, even about nonsense. Everyday I write something. It might not be on here, it might be on my secret blog...but still, everyday. I actually don't have a secret blog, but sometimes I wish I did.

Yesterday we discussed the awesomeness that is System of A Down. Today I thought I would share something with you that since discovering, has been impossible to leave my brain. Florence Welch and her wonderful Machine. If I've ever been obsessed with something, it is her. Her voice, the drums, the rhythm, the way I want to close my eyes and just sit there. The way I could never get sick of it. The way that EVERY song on her album is perfect, and never long enough. I can't explain what she does to me. I can barely comprehend what she does to me. I love her. She's so unfathomably talented. Please visit her site and take some time to hear the beauty. http://florenceandthemachine.net/

Psycho Groupie Cocaine Crazy

I really can't decide on my favourite System of A Down song. I know my favourite album is Toxicity, but as for a favourite song, it could be Streamline, but only because that's what really speaks to me at this point and time. It could also be Psycho, Aerials, Toxicity, Violent Pornography, or Forest. Who knows. But the most important thing, is that System of A Down is my favourite band. My number one. I will love them forever. Even if they never make another album. They have gotten me through some tough times and for that I will never thank them enough.

I've been patiently waiting for them to stop their hiatus and get their butts in gear and just when I was beginning to believe that it would never happen......I get a text message from a friend, saying that his brother was going to see them. Uh, what??? Are you sure its the same System of A Down? Are you sure the tickets aren't sold out? Yes and yes. Thank my lucky stars that I had a Ticketmaster gift card and could therefore afford to see them. I'm still in shock, and still in denial that this will actually happen. This is kind of a big deal to me. I've dreamed of this day for years and when they were on tour last time, I did not get to see them. I couldn't afford it. I can never afford it. I mean, my seats are the bleediest nose seats you can find, but I don't care. I'm going to see them live. I'm going to cry. Its going to be epic.

If I'm Gonna Save A Horse And Ride A Cowboy, That Cowboy Had Better Be From Hell

Am I really that good at my job that I am left here for several lengths of time to do nothing? The answer is no. It just works that way sometimes. So as I sit here, (on my break....maybe) typing away, listening to The Black Keys, I wonder what my life would be like had I gone to university. Or had I followed my make up artistry career path. I love my workplace. Currently. Sometimes I get frustrated and impatient but for the most part, I'm happy where I ended up. There's a lot people I would not have met had I not worked here. Matthew being one. Brittany another. Two of the most important people in my life to date. I love them more than either will ever know. Had I gone to university to become a teacher like I wanted to right out of highschool, I'd probably not be married and probably be sleeping with highschool students, because that's how I roll. Had I followed my make up artistry career path I would probably be a giant bitch and high on coke 90% of the time, again, because that's how I roll. So yeah, I'm happy. I have no regrets. Not a one. Even when I think about the only regret that I may have, I think about what I have learned from it, and decide that no, I have none. I wouldn't be who I am, or where I am, if I had made different choices growing up. I hate a lot of things, but mostly because I haven't learned how to deal with them just yet.

I hate being quiet and content. These pills are cyanide for my soul!!!!! Ugh.

A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be Best, Me Thinks

You know what's awesome? Blogging at work. On my break of course.....(maybe). Ever since my work husband left me, I'm super lonely and bored. Stupid Remote Agent Initiative. Ruins everything. Fortunately though, I have my eyes on a new work spouse. The only problem is though, she has no idea who I am. Someday we will talk by the water cooler about the weather and tattoos. Thank you Crow On My Arm for sparking conversations. Love you!

I have an art project on Sunday. I've been planning this one for years. I'm super excited about it. The issue though...my anti-crazy pills make me less creative. They supress that wonderful part of my brain that makes me artsy and inspired. Landon is helping to keep that there, but I fear it will fade away like a melting candle.

My lungs and back are in constant pain. Apparently this is a symptom of my mental health problems but I can't logically comprehend how that could be.

I've become obsessed with brushing my teeth. I went from literally brushing my teeth only in the shower, to up to 4 times a day. I just can't stand my teeth or mouth feeling filmy and full of coffee.

I've stopped eating all meat aside from fish and seafood. I think that this is best for me and my body as the meat never made me feel good in the least. Always bogged down and heavy. I can feel my skin is softer, my eyes and teeth are whiter, and I have much more energy. Now all I have to do is start jogging in my sweet new kicks and life will be perfect.

I really miss my friend Matt Oscienny

YAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!

So, guess who gets to be on anti-crazy pills for the REST OF HER LIFE???? YAY ME!!!! I thought I was okay ya know. I thought that after I had Lex and didn't need them to function, that I would never need those magic pills again! BUT NO. Life has different plans for this chemical imbalance. This fucked up fuck up of a head of mine. Hooray for crazy town. Currently where I am located. Hooray for freakin people out with my dancing and bouncing and never stop moving and hand flailing and rambling. I wish I was Alice. I wish I could climb down that rabbit hole where everything else was fucked up and I was normal. I am scared....... I wanna paint fucked up shit! I'm gonna lose my creativity. I'm gonna lose my spontaneity. I'm gonna go back to that boring old Casey. Boourns! Boourns I say! I wanna hang out with Beck. I think he'd be a cool dude. I want to dance. I wanna run. I wanna lay down in the snow and laugh. I wanna run across the bridge to the other side of the river where there is art and love and drugs and happiness. I wanna fly......I want to FLY!!!!! Dear Crow on my arm, teach my your winged ways. Teach me to fly away. Its time to brush my teeth. I'M GOING FISHING!

I Wear My Sunglasses

I wish that I could just not feel, for even just an hour. Just be so numb and withdrawn that nothing matters in any way. The way it is now is horrible. I hate my emotions. I hate my introspection. I hate being an asshole. I hate being selfish. I wish I could just go back to the way things were when I was sane and normal and didn't notice things that fucked me up the way they do. Didn't act on my impulses that make me crazy. Didn't start drinking. Didn't grow up. I should've run away from my parents. I should've not married Landon. I should've given Hayden up for adoption before I decided to keep him. I'm not meant to me a mother. I'm not meant to be a wife. All I do is drag people into my fucked up life and destroy them. Break them apart and kill who they could have been if they hadn't met me. I can't help but feeling that I am responsible for his death. Because he was in love with me and I couldn't be his one. You shouldn't have told me that. You shouldn't have convinced me that it was true. And you shouldn't have made me feel guilty! My insecurities are overwhelming me. I need constant reassurance that I am worth something to you. I've never felt so frustrated in my entire life. I've never felt like I just want to escape and never ever EVER FUCKING COME BACK! I CAN'T TAKE THE TRAUMA. I CAN'T TAKE THE PAIN. I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE. I'm going to explode.

One Time I Had A Pet Crow And His Name Was Travis

I fucking love getting what I want.

Suck it bitches.