I Am Loved

I have realized that I know too many people. I am also close to too many people. I love too many people. Too many people are important to me. Its not fair because I keep losing these people and so have decided that from now on, I will not be starting any new relationships and will not allow my current relationships to be any closer than they already are. Yes I am aware that this is a ridiculous idea as people are amazing and being able to learn about them and being a part of their existence is a gift, but being in my current mental state of paranoia, I don't see any other logical solution.

Being introspective is a curse. I know I'm losing my shit but I can't let myself and then I feel guilty for so many different things and I can't even make sense any more because of the trillion different thoughts going through my head at one given time and trying to focus long enough on one of them to be able to complete a task is HARD. Which segweys or however you spell into my abandoning of the blog. Because I like explenations and I imagine you do too, here are some reasons why I'm not around for you anymore.

1. I have a job. Two jobs. Actually several different jobs. But the one that I get paid for is demanding a lot of my attention lately. And because my sanity is limited, most of it goes there and then there's none left over for you after my family and friends.

2. I don't want to write about depressing shit anymore. I am not a depressing person. I am a positive person. Well that's not totally true. I am a real person. I see and experience EVERYTHING, not just sad horribleness. Its not fair to you that I am always dumping my problems on you to read and feel sorry for me. The problem is, whenever I try to come here and write about something NOT sad, I can't. I suck. My sentences are all screwed up and I say the same word over and over because I seem to lose the thesauras part of my brain when I'm happy.

3. My computer is in my living room with my husband and two young boys. If my boys aren't pulling on my sleeves and screaming in my ears and spitting on my face, my husband is asking what I'm writing about and I HATE that because I would really wish I could just be left alone to vent in peace and I can't because I'm a mom and moms are never ever ever going to be alone. Ever.

That's really all that needs to be said. It sums it up pretty good simply as, I'm busy. I'm tired. I'm stressed. BUT, I am alive and I am loved. The two most important things to remember no matter what is happening to me, what has happened to me and what is going to happen to me. I am alive, and I am loved. That's it.

PS: I miss Matt.

*sigh*

I'm swimming in a sea of emotion
Trying to reach the top to be swept away by the waves of happiness and peace
Instead of being pulled under but the undercurrents of hate and depression
No matter where I am, I am sorrounded by jellyfish of pain and heartache
Grabbing at my skin and leaving permanent scars

Never once have I had a regret
Never once have I let the "what ifs" and "I wishes" take over

I can see the beach
I can hear the laughter
I can almost feel the warm sunshine on my face

The more I try to focus on the positive, the more I ignore the negative
The negative, being ignored, is growing angry and selfish
It is taking me under and I am drowning
I am drowning in my sea of emotion

Never once have I had a regret
Never once have I let the "what ifs" and "I wishes" take over

But as my mother always said, "There's a first time for everything"

Matthew

Matthew and I were very close for a while, but my children and family life became too overwhelming and due to time constraints, we hadn't seen each other in a few months. I was reading all the old messages that we had sent back and forth to each other, and the latest ones were just "When are we gonna meet up! I miss you! Lets make a date! etc etc" This is what is hurting me the most. The fact there is so much left unsaid and undone. So much that needed to be rekindled. So much that needed to be taken care of. The old cliche saying "You don't know what you've got til its gone" doesn't work here. I know what I had. I just didn't make time for it. Matthew was the most interesting person I had ever met. He had an impeccable memory which made for the best stories. There was NEVER a dull moment with him, unless of course you wanted one. But it wasn't even dull. Because we were happy just sitting there. Listening together to the traffic, or music, or nature, or people. He had this uncanny ability to make you feel like the most important and most beautiful person in the world, even in a large group of people. I've said this several times throughout the week: It didn't matter if you knew him your whole life, had only met him once, were creeped out by him, or madly in love with him, he was always going to be a part of your existence. He will always be a part of my existence. I was the most in love with him as platonic love would allow. He had everything that I needed out of a friend and more. He would know exactly what to say in any given situation but also, he would never allow you to feel sorry for yourself. He would never allow you to hate anyone. Love was his philosophy. Love was is lifestyle, his religion. He inspired me, as I'm sure he inspired everyone who met him, to learn to love. To give it a try, no matter how much hate you had. I want to be so angry with him. I want to scream at him for leaving me behind. For leaving his family behind. For leaving everyone who had ever met him behind. But he won't let me. Matthew was incredible. There is NO ONE nor will there ever be anyone like him. His eccentricities and creativity was dumbfounding at most times, but once you opened your mind and heart, they overwhelmed you with respect. I had so much respect and admiration for him. I am going to continue to miss him, as I have been for months, forever. I feel so much pain for the loss of my friend, so much pain for the others who lost him, but the most pain for the people who hadn't even met him yet. They have no idea what they missed. I am so unfathomably lucky to have met him, gotten to know him, gotten to fall in love with him, and gotten to get his love in return. As its been said many times this week, the world is a lesser place without Matthew.