I Am Loved

I have realized that I know too many people. I am also close to too many people. I love too many people. Too many people are important to me. Its not fair because I keep losing these people and so have decided that from now on, I will not be starting any new relationships and will not allow my current relationships to be any closer than they already are. Yes I am aware that this is a ridiculous idea as people are amazing and being able to learn about them and being a part of their existence is a gift, but being in my current mental state of paranoia, I don't see any other logical solution.

Being introspective is a curse. I know I'm losing my shit but I can't let myself and then I feel guilty for so many different things and I can't even make sense any more because of the trillion different thoughts going through my head at one given time and trying to focus long enough on one of them to be able to complete a task is HARD. Which segweys or however you spell into my abandoning of the blog. Because I like explenations and I imagine you do too, here are some reasons why I'm not around for you anymore.

1. I have a job. Two jobs. Actually several different jobs. But the one that I get paid for is demanding a lot of my attention lately. And because my sanity is limited, most of it goes there and then there's none left over for you after my family and friends.

2. I don't want to write about depressing shit anymore. I am not a depressing person. I am a positive person. Well that's not totally true. I am a real person. I see and experience EVERYTHING, not just sad horribleness. Its not fair to you that I am always dumping my problems on you to read and feel sorry for me. The problem is, whenever I try to come here and write about something NOT sad, I can't. I suck. My sentences are all screwed up and I say the same word over and over because I seem to lose the thesauras part of my brain when I'm happy.

3. My computer is in my living room with my husband and two young boys. If my boys aren't pulling on my sleeves and screaming in my ears and spitting on my face, my husband is asking what I'm writing about and I HATE that because I would really wish I could just be left alone to vent in peace and I can't because I'm a mom and moms are never ever ever going to be alone. Ever.

That's really all that needs to be said. It sums it up pretty good simply as, I'm busy. I'm tired. I'm stressed. BUT, I am alive and I am loved. The two most important things to remember no matter what is happening to me, what has happened to me and what is going to happen to me. I am alive, and I am loved. That's it.

PS: I miss Matt.