Friday
Happy Birthday
I tell you all the time that I don't deserve to have you as a friend. You're an incredible person with an incredible heart. You're generous, compassionate, loving, understanding, tolerant, smart, mature, and incredibly beautiful. You're always there for me when I need you and you're always willing to listen when I call you just to talk your ear off for an hour. I have nothing but the utmost pride for you and the decisions you've made throughout your life. You're an impeccable mother and a perfect wife. You inspire me to be a better person everyday simply by just living your own life. You never fail to make the best choices, and you never make me feel like I'm stupid, even when I do really stupid things. I've always looked up to you and I always will. Even though I'm older, and have a bit more life experience in certain aspects, I still look to you for advice and your thoughts on the situation. We've had our ups and downs and we've had our falling outs and falling back ins but no matter what has happened the last 24 years, one thing remains, you are my best and greatest friend. I love you more than you could ever comprehend and my relationship with you is worth more than most other things in my life. I could spend the rest of my life making it up to you for all the shit I have done to you, and all the wonderful things you have done for me and it still wouldn't be enough. I have never once forgotten who you are and what you mean to me. I could not survive without you in my life Amanda. You are my soulmate in friendship and I will never ever let you leave my life. I love you to the very end of time. Happy Birthday
Monday
Tunes
I love music. I listen to a lot of different music. There are some songs that I will listen to once, and even though I like it, forget about it until several years later when I hear it on a commercial and yell, "Oh my god I love that song! I'm downloading it right now!", and then stick it on my iPod and listen to it a hundred times within 3 days...until I forget about it again. I love that about music. So memorable. It sticks to you, forever. Sometimes I will come across a song that will speak to me. Sometimes a song I've never heard before, sometimes a song I've heard a hundred times but never really listened to, or it just didn't really pertain to me at the time. Its rare that I'll hear a song in which EVERY word relates to me and my life. Sometimes its just a sentence, or a verse, or just the chorus. Today I decided to listen to Limp Bizkit. I was obsessed with them in highschool. I wanted to get their name tattooed on my back and marry Fred Durst, who looked exactly like Barrett Misiwich. I was enjoying the old memories, and singing along to every song when this one came along:
Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
Who witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
It seems that you're not satisfied
There's too much on your mind
So you leave and I can't believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
You're no good
For me
Thank God its over
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
Cryin' on me
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
Dyin' on me!
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
(You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me until its over and I won't be
the same)
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
Be the same
Just think about it
You'll get it
Thank you www.lyrics007.com!
Now, not every word matches my feelings, like anything relating to how "we're through" or whatever....but EVERYTHING else. I know this song was written about a girlfriend, or possibly a male friend, but to me, it was written about my mother. Christmas is only 5....4 days away and I'm terrified. The last time I talked to her was over a week ago, and it was terrible. I hung up the phone and cried and cried. I called Betty and she came to my rescue, but in a way, it makes it worse being with her when I'm having issues with Mother Dearest. She may understand how it is for me, but she won't back me up if it came to a Bold Defiance Fight. She requires us to bullshit through everything in order for everyone to be happy, and my brother and sister just aren't ready to stop bullshitting yet. If I decide that I don't want to be like that anymore, that means I'll be banished away forever, alone. Just me and my Landon family. So I don't know what to do. Do I say to my mom on Christmas Day, "I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to make you hate me so much and I promise to never do it again..." or do I stand up and fight back to her and her delirium, all alone, while the rest of my family watch in astonishment as she tells nme how much of a failure I am to her? All the while ignoring their urges to stand up with me for fear of receiving the same treatment. Is it better to lie and bullshit so everyone is happy but me? Or to fight for what I fucking believe in? I fucking hate Christmas.
Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
Who witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
It seems that you're not satisfied
There's too much on your mind
So you leave and I can't believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down
But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged
You're no good
For me
Thank God its over
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
Cryin' on me
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
Dyin' on me!
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
(You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me until its over and I won't be
the same)
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
Be the same
Just think about it
You'll get it
Thank you www.lyrics007.com!
Now, not every word matches my feelings, like anything relating to how "we're through" or whatever....but EVERYTHING else. I know this song was written about a girlfriend, or possibly a male friend, but to me, it was written about my mother. Christmas is only 5....4 days away and I'm terrified. The last time I talked to her was over a week ago, and it was terrible. I hung up the phone and cried and cried. I called Betty and she came to my rescue, but in a way, it makes it worse being with her when I'm having issues with Mother Dearest. She may understand how it is for me, but she won't back me up if it came to a Bold Defiance Fight. She requires us to bullshit through everything in order for everyone to be happy, and my brother and sister just aren't ready to stop bullshitting yet. If I decide that I don't want to be like that anymore, that means I'll be banished away forever, alone. Just me and my Landon family. So I don't know what to do. Do I say to my mom on Christmas Day, "I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to make you hate me so much and I promise to never do it again..." or do I stand up and fight back to her and her delirium, all alone, while the rest of my family watch in astonishment as she tells nme how much of a failure I am to her? All the while ignoring their urges to stand up with me for fear of receiving the same treatment. Is it better to lie and bullshit so everyone is happy but me? Or to fight for what I fucking believe in? I fucking hate Christmas.
Wednesday
Last Night I Had A Dream That I Was Sleeping With Bob Saget.......the illest motherfucker in a cardigan sweater
Even though I like attention, and I love to talk about myself, I am glad I decided to make this blog private. When I first started it, the thought of it being private nearly sickened me, but since I've started writing, it's begun to seem more and more wise to choose my readers carefully. Today though, I wish it was completely totally utterly private. There are some things that I just need to vent about, but without anybody being able to hear what I have to say...except maybe Betty.
In my last post I had stated that I am happy. "Beyond happy" I think I may have said. Well, that was a lie. I don't usually lie, one, because I'm not very good at it anymore (used to be!), and two, because there really is no fucking point. I do lie about stupid things that don't matter, like how much money I have, like that there is a Santa and a Tooth Fairy, but I don't tend to lie about my emotions. I said that I was happy because I was trying to prove my parents wrong. They are wrong, but I don't need to say that I am happy to prove that. I am unhappy, not because I don't have GOD in my heart, but because my parents hate me. Because I have to work instead of being at home. Because I'm lazy and unmotivated. Because I let my kids stay up until midnight on a school night because I am too busy blogging to realize what's going on. Because I could really care less that Christmas Day is ten days away. Because I don't have enough money to give my babies a good Christmas. Because I live in an apartment, I don't have a puppy or a kitty, I don't have art on my walls, I don't have a clean home, I don't have good sleeps, I don't have I don't have I don't have. I want I want I want. That's all my mind is focused on lately. Instead of being grateful for what I have, I'm depressed about the things I don't have. I was coping decently with my sudden onset of depression until that fateful Sunday evening when my fucking parents stole my pride and self worth right from under me. Since then I haven't been able to take care of myself. I am a strong, stubborn, opinionated and passionate young woman. I always want to learn and explore and debate and question and hear your opinion on the matter. I want to defend to death my rights and my freedoms. I want to kick your fucking ass if you insult my family. But I can't anymore. You can tell me I am wrong, and I will say, "okay". My defence has been broken and all I can do is cry. I can't sleep anymore because as soon as its quiet, everything I've been trying to ignore all day comes creeping in, louder and louder. My mother and her hateful attitude. My father and his disappointment, my boss and his "SELL SELL SELL", my paycheck and its "$0.00", my sister and her stupidity, my brother and his priorities, my kids and their boredom, my husband and his loneliness, my pain. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, if ever. I must have done something terrible to deserve this, but I just can't figure out what it is. I will own up to it if that means I won't have to feel like this anymore.
My dreams, as I have mentioned before, are always very vivid. When I am depressed or stressed, they seem to get more vivid, and sometimes lucid. I like lucid dreams most of the time, but lately they seem to riddled with sex and alcohol. In my dreams I am a slutty alcoholic while my kids and my Landon watch from the sidelines. I don't know what this means, and I don't know why its happening. Everything I do hurts. I don't get peace no matter what. Maybe I do need God and his everlasting love. Maybe I do need to give up my free will to some unseen force to be happy. I'll pray tonight, and I'll let you know where it gets me.
In my last post I had stated that I am happy. "Beyond happy" I think I may have said. Well, that was a lie. I don't usually lie, one, because I'm not very good at it anymore (used to be!), and two, because there really is no fucking point. I do lie about stupid things that don't matter, like how much money I have, like that there is a Santa and a Tooth Fairy, but I don't tend to lie about my emotions. I said that I was happy because I was trying to prove my parents wrong. They are wrong, but I don't need to say that I am happy to prove that. I am unhappy, not because I don't have GOD in my heart, but because my parents hate me. Because I have to work instead of being at home. Because I'm lazy and unmotivated. Because I let my kids stay up until midnight on a school night because I am too busy blogging to realize what's going on. Because I could really care less that Christmas Day is ten days away. Because I don't have enough money to give my babies a good Christmas. Because I live in an apartment, I don't have a puppy or a kitty, I don't have art on my walls, I don't have a clean home, I don't have good sleeps, I don't have I don't have I don't have. I want I want I want. That's all my mind is focused on lately. Instead of being grateful for what I have, I'm depressed about the things I don't have. I was coping decently with my sudden onset of depression until that fateful Sunday evening when my fucking parents stole my pride and self worth right from under me. Since then I haven't been able to take care of myself. I am a strong, stubborn, opinionated and passionate young woman. I always want to learn and explore and debate and question and hear your opinion on the matter. I want to defend to death my rights and my freedoms. I want to kick your fucking ass if you insult my family. But I can't anymore. You can tell me I am wrong, and I will say, "okay". My defence has been broken and all I can do is cry. I can't sleep anymore because as soon as its quiet, everything I've been trying to ignore all day comes creeping in, louder and louder. My mother and her hateful attitude. My father and his disappointment, my boss and his "SELL SELL SELL", my paycheck and its "$0.00", my sister and her stupidity, my brother and his priorities, my kids and their boredom, my husband and his loneliness, my pain. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, if ever. I must have done something terrible to deserve this, but I just can't figure out what it is. I will own up to it if that means I won't have to feel like this anymore.
My dreams, as I have mentioned before, are always very vivid. When I am depressed or stressed, they seem to get more vivid, and sometimes lucid. I like lucid dreams most of the time, but lately they seem to riddled with sex and alcohol. In my dreams I am a slutty alcoholic while my kids and my Landon watch from the sidelines. I don't know what this means, and I don't know why its happening. Everything I do hurts. I don't get peace no matter what. Maybe I do need God and his everlasting love. Maybe I do need to give up my free will to some unseen force to be happy. I'll pray tonight, and I'll let you know where it gets me.
Fucking Starbucks And Their Stupid Six Dollar Peppermint Mocha Taking All My Money
I haven't written anything for a while. Ever since the end of November happened, I haven't really felt like doing anything that draws attention to myself. I usually quite like attention but I got in some real deep shit for expressing my feelings recently, and now am scared that it will happen again. This isn't really my nature you know, hiding from people and caring about what they think, but my MOTHER and her wonderful judgments have sort of changed the way I live right now. I love her, to death, and I always will, but she is so mean to me. Her and my father have all these expectations of me to be smart and responsible and healthy and taking care of myself, which are all fine expectations....normally. But to them, being smart means BOOK smarts, and because I didn't go to university, and will never go to university because university is a big fucking stupid waste of time and money (for me), I am not as smart as I should be. You have so much potential. Being smart also means that I am not allowed to think for myself. I am allowed to listen to what my parents say is what and that's it. Don't question me. Don't ask me why. I don't like talking to you anymore because all you do is debate everything I say. WELL YES I DO! Because not everything you say is right MOTHER. Not everything you say is accurate and truthful. I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHEEP!!!! Goddammit. Oh and speaking of GOD almighty, I'm also not allowed to ask questions about HIM. I am a human, and therefore have my own human rights. I am more than fortunate enough to live in a country that allows me the freedom to say whatever it is I want to say, allows me the freedom of my own sexual orientation (to a degree), the freedom to do what I want to my own body (to a degree), and the freedom to my OWN FUCKING RELIGION! Which at this point is NOTHING so I'm not even hurting anyone. I really don't care if you believe in God or if you worship Buddah or if you're stupid enough to believe in lizard people or alien gods. That is your right and your choice. As it is MY right and MY choice. I'm not pushing my thoughts on other people, unless they ask. I'm not forcing my beliefs on anyone, INCLUDING my family, so why and how is it possible that I am, selfish, negative, unhappy, pessimistic, unloving, empty, lost...etc etc? I am the least selfish person I know. I am not negative. I am not. I have negative moments, but so does everyone. I am FAR from unhappy. Beyond far. I am also quite a distance from empty. I feel very full aside from the fact that I desperately need a hobby besides this BLOG. You will never be happy and full of love until you let God into your heart. Hmm. If I think back to the most depressing time of my life, it was also, no word of a lie, the most CHRISTIAN part of my life. Explain that one! My brother and sisters...especially my KING of a brother, are PERFECT in the eyes of my parents. They can literally do no wrong. No matter how many times they clearly make IDIOTIC mistakes, no matter how many times they use and abuse everyone around them including my parents and myself, they're still better than me. They always will be. They'll always get treated like helpless babies. They'll always get treated like little angels. Johnathan publicly treats women like SHIT and all they say is, he was treated badly by his first girlfriend, so its okay. Betty lets herself be abused, she uses everyone around her, she's happy leeching off everyone else instead of taking care of herself and all they say, that's Betty. Oh, and if you give her any more money, you're bad and wrong, but ignore it when we give her WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS. I love you Betty, and I love you Johnathan, you know that. You know how I feel better than anyone else so forgive my slandering you.
It's just not fair that I will never be good enough for them when I am clearly much smarter and more responsible than my siblings. For 26 years I've been trying to impress them, and I'm gonna keep trying always knowing that it won't make a difference. It doesn't matter what I do. I could win the Nobel prize and they still would say something like, yeah that's nice Casey-Lynn but guess what your sister did today? She bought her very own car! Yes she bought it off us and technically she hasn't paid us anything yet but she will be making monthly payments....well, she'll make one monthly payment and then lose her job so she won't be able to afford monthly payments but we'll still let her keep the car and give her money for cigarettes and gas to visit her abusive boyfriend in jail. Oh, she's so wonderful.
It's just not fair that I will never be good enough for them when I am clearly much smarter and more responsible than my siblings. For 26 years I've been trying to impress them, and I'm gonna keep trying always knowing that it won't make a difference. It doesn't matter what I do. I could win the Nobel prize and they still would say something like, yeah that's nice Casey-Lynn but guess what your sister did today? She bought her very own car! Yes she bought it off us and technically she hasn't paid us anything yet but she will be making monthly payments....well, she'll make one monthly payment and then lose her job so she won't be able to afford monthly payments but we'll still let her keep the car and give her money for cigarettes and gas to visit her abusive boyfriend in jail. Oh, she's so wonderful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)