I haven't written anything for a while. Ever since the end of November happened, I haven't really felt like doing anything that draws attention to myself. I usually quite like attention but I got in some real deep shit for expressing my feelings recently, and now am scared that it will happen again. This isn't really my nature you know, hiding from people and caring about what they think, but my MOTHER and her wonderful judgments have sort of changed the way I live right now. I love her, to death, and I always will, but she is so mean to me. Her and my father have all these expectations of me to be smart and responsible and healthy and taking care of myself, which are all fine expectations....normally. But to them, being smart means BOOK smarts, and because I didn't go to university, and will never go to university because university is a big fucking stupid waste of time and money (for me), I am not as smart as I should be. You have so much potential. Being smart also means that I am not allowed to think for myself. I am allowed to listen to what my parents say is what and that's it. Don't question me. Don't ask me why. I don't like talking to you anymore because all you do is debate everything I say. WELL YES I DO! Because not everything you say is right MOTHER. Not everything you say is accurate and truthful. I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHEEP!!!! Goddammit. Oh and speaking of GOD almighty, I'm also not allowed to ask questions about HIM. I am a human, and therefore have my own human rights. I am more than fortunate enough to live in a country that allows me the freedom to say whatever it is I want to say, allows me the freedom of my own sexual orientation (to a degree), the freedom to do what I want to my own body (to a degree), and the freedom to my OWN FUCKING RELIGION! Which at this point is NOTHING so I'm not even hurting anyone. I really don't care if you believe in God or if you worship Buddah or if you're stupid enough to believe in lizard people or alien gods. That is your right and your choice. As it is MY right and MY choice. I'm not pushing my thoughts on other people, unless they ask. I'm not forcing my beliefs on anyone, INCLUDING my family, so why and how is it possible that I am, selfish, negative, unhappy, pessimistic, unloving, empty, lost...etc etc? I am the least selfish person I know. I am not negative. I am not. I have negative moments, but so does everyone. I am FAR from unhappy. Beyond far. I am also quite a distance from empty. I feel very full aside from the fact that I desperately need a hobby besides this BLOG. You will never be happy and full of love until you let God into your heart. Hmm. If I think back to the most depressing time of my life, it was also, no word of a lie, the most CHRISTIAN part of my life. Explain that one! My brother and sisters...especially my KING of a brother, are PERFECT in the eyes of my parents. They can literally do no wrong. No matter how many times they clearly make IDIOTIC mistakes, no matter how many times they use and abuse everyone around them including my parents and myself, they're still better than me. They always will be. They'll always get treated like helpless babies. They'll always get treated like little angels. Johnathan publicly treats women like SHIT and all they say is, he was treated badly by his first girlfriend, so its okay. Betty lets herself be abused, she uses everyone around her, she's happy leeching off everyone else instead of taking care of herself and all they say, that's Betty. Oh, and if you give her any more money, you're bad and wrong, but ignore it when we give her WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS. I love you Betty, and I love you Johnathan, you know that. You know how I feel better than anyone else so forgive my slandering you.
It's just not fair that I will never be good enough for them when I am clearly much smarter and more responsible than my siblings. For 26 years I've been trying to impress them, and I'm gonna keep trying always knowing that it won't make a difference. It doesn't matter what I do. I could win the Nobel prize and they still would say something like, yeah that's nice Casey-Lynn but guess what your sister did today? She bought her very own car! Yes she bought it off us and technically she hasn't paid us anything yet but she will be making monthly payments....well, she'll make one monthly payment and then lose her job so she won't be able to afford monthly payments but we'll still let her keep the car and give her money for cigarettes and gas to visit her abusive boyfriend in jail. Oh, she's so wonderful.
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