One Day.

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuit board

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuit boards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuit board
Synapse slipping through the hidden door

Terrific Tuesdays

It's the last Tuesday of the year. This is terrific because this year SUCKED. Like really bad. I'm just gonna put some pictures up of things I like. Three piece man suits with good looking men inside. RISK (I like kicking ass). Unicorns. Nicorette.

Oh Christmas.

This lovely tree topper is number one on my Christmas list next year. Right now there's an angel on top of my Charlie Brown tree because I don't have anything else to put up there and if there's one thing worse than a brown Christmas its a topless tree.

I FUCKING LOVE WINTER/SNOW. I have the opposite of whatever it is that those people have when they get depressed in the winter. I LIVE for winter. Winter Winter Winter. Each year I love it more. I love the snow most of all, but I love the warmth almost as much. "Warmth Casey? The fuck are you talking about? Its -30 degrees for like two months straight." I mean the heartwarmth. The cuddle warmth. The smiles and open doors and courtesy warmth. The rosy cheeks and frosty eyelashes. The runny noses and mittens and scarves and fur and parkas and giant boots. I love everything. People are so much nicer at winter time. People are so adorable at winter time. I love seeing old people that look like Christmas. I love seeing little kids playing in the snow. I love seeing grumpy adults falling on the ice. I love the traffic and the chaos. I love the cold. I love the silence. I love the steam EVERYWHERE. There's steam from some mysterious place over the horizon. I love the frosty trees that sparkle in the morning sunlight. I love the moonlight reflecting off the snow and making the whole night glow like magic. I love the big fluffy snow slowly dancing its way to the ground. I love the hot chocolate and fireplaces and slippers and pyjamas. I love winter. I love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

I have never really had a love or hate for Christmas. Each year is different and each year has its pros and cons. Since I've had babies, its much easier for me to enjoy Christmas. This Christmas was quite possibly the most bittersweet. I've lost a lot of people the last couple years, so of course every Christmas is going to be shittier for that matter. On the other hand though, my kids are older, my baby Sawyer is here, my family is the closest they've ever been, and I have a lot of friends. I really fucking miss my Opa. Christmas blows without him. I really fucking miss Nicole. All family gatherings blow without her. The lack of Nicole was the hardest thing to handle this year. My bro's new gf is amazing and wonderful and I love her, but its so hard for me to fully accept her into the family when Nicole isn't there anymore. It could just be because Nicole and I clicked so well, and I don't have that relationship with my sister anymore, that I crave it when I'm around my family. I don't want it from Betty anymore though. I couldn't care less about my relationship with her. She ruined that forever when she took something that had NOTHING to do with her personally, and demeaned me by insulting my entire self. So that's most likely part of the reason why I crave Nicole's company so much. She's the only real sister I have right now, and I'll ever have again. Again...Aimee is awesome. I adore her, but for some reason I just haven't clicked with her yet. I hope I will someday, because I know she's here for the long haul.

Betty's new bf was at Christmas dinner, which is sort of retarded considering they've been dating for like two weeks. At the same time though, he didn't really have anywhere else to go so I'm happy he was there with us. I like the guy, a lot. But goddammit Betty needs to be able to separate herself from him for 5 fucking minutes. Jesus.

My babes did not get spoiled. They never do. They get a lot of love in gift form, but never spoiled. And that Hayden...my god. I swear to you, each and every single gift he opened got the exact same reaction. From his Nintendo 3DS to his underwear. "Oh wow! A 3DS!" "Oh wow! Underwear!" "Oh wow! A Christmas orange!" Seriously. Love that kid.

Now, I'm going to list some of the things I received this year for Christmas. Not because I'm materialistic, but because I'm sentimental. Each thing means so much to me because it shows just how much I am loved, and just how well people know me. I am such a fortunate person.
A record player, with Florence + The Machine: Lungs on vinyl - Landon♥
Memory foam slippers - Landon ♥
A Harry Potter glass Coke Bottle - Mommy ♥
RISK - Mommy and Daddy ♥
Go The Fuck To Sleep - Kayla ♥
Canada Olympic Mittens - Kayla ♥
Book Darts - Kris ♥
Fine Point Sharpie Markers - Brittany ♥
This isn't everything, nor is it the most important. This is just some things. Some things that make me the luckiest girl in the world. I love my people so much. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

PS: I miss ♥Matt♥

Come Around Sundown

Right now I am typing into a Word document, which I will later copy and paste into a blog post. I am doing this because I like to make things more complicated than they have to be. Plus, I’m at work, and I probably shouldn’t be logged into Facebook and Blogger at the same time. And The Oatmeal. Oh how I love The Oatmeal. Go there now. You will laugh. Laughing is good.

Laughing really IS the best medicine. If I didn’t laugh, I would probably be dead. Well not probably. Definitely. Laughing makes my entire body feel good. Especially when it’s the kind of laughter that you can’t control, like it’s some kind of reflex. Like when Betty got smacked in the face with a bamboo stick at Walmart by her brand new boyfriend. Fuck that was hilarious.

Love is weird. I love love. I think it’s the most interesting emotion. You can love your kids, your partner, your friends, your parents, your siblings, your boss, celebrities, etc…but the kind of love varies between each person. Even with my kids. You would think I would love them both the exact same way, but I don’t. I don’t love either of them more, I just love each of them different. And then Sawyer. I love her as much as I love my own kids, but again, differently. There’s the kind of love that grows from nothing, slowly getting stronger and stronger over time, giving you a chance to absorb each change and really enjoy it….OR, the kind of love that literally comes out of nowhere. When you’re pregnant, you think you love that baby, but when you see that baby, your entire existence changes forever. This unconditional, acute and everlasting love moves through your entire body faster than any tingle or rush you’ve felt before. It’s a mystery to you, yet you accept it without question. He is the only thing that matters now. You love this little person so much, that you can’t understand how you ever loved anyone before. You can’t even comprehend loving another person this much. It’s impossible. But you have another child, and unbelievably, it’s possible. Your love for the first doesn’t change in the slightest. Its like you pulled this new love out of thin air. Another reflex. Another piece of unconditional, acute and everlasting love. It’s as if the holes in your heart you didn’t even know you had, have been filled up and you now feel complete. I could never accurately explain what my children have done for me. I could never repay them for giving me this feeling. These two bratty mcbratsters are the most wonderful things in the entire world, and I MUST remember that. I must hold on to at least that one piece of love, for if I lose that, I lose everything.

Terrific Tuesdays

Hey, remember these? I was told that they need a comeback, so today, here are some things I am thankful to have:

Brittany, Brooklyn, Shea, Amanda, Jessie, Gordana, Kris, Landon and Richard - Not that these 9 people are anymore important than the rest of the people in my life, but these 9 people have had an incredibly positive impact on my life recently. I swear to you, if it wasn't for these people, I would be lost. I would be a total disaster.

Betty and Johnathan - Johnathan needs me, and therefore I feel important to him. Betty loves me unconditionally, and therefore I feel important to her. I need to feel important to my siblings, as they have no idea how important they are to me.

Drugs - my fucking head hurts, my heart hurts, my mind is chaotic, my body aches, my lungs don't work and my sleeping is terrible. Drugs help. Thank you drugs.

Crows and Ravens- I just love them. They're so pretty. I wish I had one. I would name him Terrence. Or Florence, if it was a girl

Nope.

Yesterday I went to work for 3 hours. Then I went home because of these stupid goddamn headaches that I get 24/7 but before I left, I talked to my boss and she said that my attendance is abysmal. Whatever that means. I figured it was bad, so I started to feel shitty. I went home anyway because I couldn't possibly be productive while my brain was trying to squish out of my eye and ear holes. I went home, I went to bed, and except for the odd 5 minutes where I was not in bed, I stayed there until 6:30 this morning. I was in bed for like 16 hours. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anything but the day to be over. Today I feel exactly the same, BUT, unlike yesterday, I don't want to feel this way. I refuse to go home. I refuse to let my headaches rule my life. I refuse to be a big mopey waste of space. I'm going to be happy dammit. I'm going to take a shitload of drugs and energy drinks and sugar and tell the entire world to go fuck itself.

I Really Like The Cranberries

I cried for you today. I haven't cried in a long time. I really can't remember the last time I cried for you. I think about you daily, some days more than others, but I usually just think about you in general. How wonderful you are. How happy you made me. How interesting you are. I feel so black inside. I feel like there's this empty space in my soul where you used to be. I will never be able to fill that empty space. Its so different missing someone who's alive vs missing someone who's dead. When you died, it was like this amazing energy and light source just got snuffed out, never to be lit again. All I can think about these last few days is your absence. How your life source is just gone. Just, gone. I don't like it. I don't like not feeling you around somewhere. I always knew you were there, no matter what. Now that's gone. I don't have that anymore. It feels weird and strange and I hate it. I just wish I could connect to you somehow. I don't even need to see you or talk to you. I just need to feel you. I just need to know that you're still somewhere. I'm at the point where I will do anything to get you back. To get that feeling back. To be happy again. To feel better. This darkness you created is growing.

In Treatment...

...is a really boring TV show. I thought I would like it, cuz its all about crazy people in therapy and I LOVE crazy people. But all its all just a bunch of somber blah blah blahing. Boring. Don't watch it.

ANYWAYS, I am now officially in therapy. You're jealous.

I was trying to explain to Landon after our session (yes we went together because we're super lame like that) about how I was feeling. I was rambling and managed to get something out along the lines of me being disappointed in myself for being too proud to seek help earlier. I'm now in the worst state I've ever been all because I was too proud. I'm not a proud person really. I'm usually pretty good at admitting when I'm wrong or when I need help...I think. Maybe. I don't even know. Either way, I'm forced to face the fact that I cannot get through this without psychological assistance.

SO DEAR READERS! You get to watch me fall down down down and burn up into ashes right before your eyes! BUT THEN I will rise from the ashes as an awesome, flaming (non homosexually) happy little Phoenix bird. And then everything will be okay.

Tune in next time for when I begin to divulge the darkest parts of me. You need to see them, in order to see the brightest parts of me for what they really are. Are you ready for my parents cocktail party? That's where we're going? Happy Date Night...yay!

Dear Travis

There's been a lot happening lately. I did actually start a private blog a while ago, because of all the stuff that I couldn't talk about here. As you know, I'm very open about myself and my experiences because I hope that one day I will be able to show people that you can get through it. It does get better. No matter how shitty I feel, there is still a small part of me that believes it will get better.

From someone else's perspective, it may appear that I have hit rock bottom. I prefer to see it as if I were a Phoenix, because Phoenix's are awesome. My old life is burning up into flames and I am turning into ash. Soon though, I will rise again from the ashes and fly away to a better and happier life.

I don't want commitment to anyone or anything aside from my children. I have purposely taken actions to destroy my marriage. I have purposely done things to test the people in my life. I don't need people who are only going to stand by me when I'm married and leading a socially acceptable successful life. I need the ones who will tell me they love me, that they understand me, that they support me, when I'm nothing but a pile of ashes. I need the ones who will help clean me off and help me fly. Not the ones who will kick my ass and call me a pathetic excuse for a mother, wife, and person. I am not those things. I am a good mother. I am a decent wife considering I hate being a wife. And I am one hell of a great person. Just because I'm not happy living the life you want to live, doesn't mean that I'm evil. Everyone has different ideals and different things that make them happy. I want to do what I want to do. Maybe if you would shut the fuck up for a few minutes and open your goddamn mind, you would understand that there are different people with different agendas and different differences. Not everyone wants society's idea of a perfect life. I thought that's what I wanted. Married, in a house, some kiddies and the same fucking thing every single day...but I've grown up, and I've opened my eyes. This is not what I want. This does not make me happy. Everything I could have had, everything I could have become, got taken away from when I was 19 years old. I haven't even had a chance to discover what it was that I truly wanted until now.

My Heart Hurts

Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.

The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, tell me
Is this the end?

Body Art

This is a scar. Scarification is a form of body art, NOT self mutilation.I am interested in body art, particularly this type. I am interested in doing this art on other people. This, I did to myself, with a razor blade. It was very easy and not nearly as painful as one would assume. Much less annoying than a tattoo. It takes a lot longer to heal, but the healing process is no where near as excruciating as a tattoo. Where I live, there is one (maybe) person who does this. Unfortunately, in order for me to get into this professionally, I would need to apprentice under someone, or, line up enough clients to create a portfolio and a name for myself. Sounds a lot easier than it is. Not very many people accept this as an art form, let alone are willing to let me cut them open. Fortunately I have lined up two people. I'm excited for this. I am pretty convinced that art is my way of life.

Trash

How did it start?
Well I don't know
I just feel the craving
I see the flesh and it smells fresh and it's just there for the taking
These little girls, they make me feel so god damn exhilarated
I feel them up, I can't give it up
The pain that I'm just erasing

I tell my lies, and I despise
Every second I'm with you
So I run away and you still stay
So what the fuck is with you? 　

Your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
My heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away 　

I don't know why I'm so fucking cold
I don't know why it hurts me
All I wanna do is get with you and make the pain go away
Why do I have a conscience?
All it does is fuck with me
Why do I have this torment?
All I wanna do is fuck it away 　

I tell my lies, and I despise
Every second I'm with you
So I run away and you still stay
So what the fuck is with you? 　

Your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
My heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away 　

I tell my lies, and I despise
Every second I'm with you
So I run away and you still stay
So what the fuck is with you? 　

Your feelings
I can't help but rape them
I'm sorry, I don't feel the same
My heart inside is constantly hating
I'm sorry, I just throw you away 　

(I) Just throw you away
(I) Just throw you away
(I) Just throw you away
(I) Just throw you away

I Wish RedBull Ran Through My Viens Instead of Blood

This post is going to chronicle my addictions/dependencies. Hopefully by writing them down, and on a public forum, it will help me to fix these problems which are MUCH easier to fix than the mental disorders from which I currently suffer...AND by fixing these, I will fix my mental disorders a little bit.

Caffeine/Taurine/Energy Drinks - I currently consume a shitload of caffeine on a daily basis. Average 3 energy drinks a day PLUS several cups of black coffee. I absolutely will not be giving up coffee anytime soon but the energy drinks MUST go. ASAP. I have terrible headaches, I can't sleep ever, my body feels heavy and difficult to move and my heart races so fast and beats so hard that I can feel it in my neck. My body also has severe withdrawal affects when I "miss a dose". Landon and I are on a mission to cut my dependency by replacing these energy drinks with vitamin supplements. I've only had one so far and I already felt and incredible difference.

Nicotine - Oh cigarettes. I often sit and wonder what it would be like to not want you. Being told by someone with a crinkled up nose and disgusted look on their face that I smell like smoke helps to make me want to quit you.

THC - I've been partaking in the act of smoking marijuana for years, but not until recently have I become dependant on it to help me with several things, including sleep, sex, and stresslessness. Yes I made that last word up to fit with the other esses. The SECOND my kids are safely asleep in their beds, I get everything ready so I can go outside and forget that I feel like my soul is trying to break free from my body. Once my mind is at the most peaceful place it can be, I fucking relax, and its GREAT. The problem with this (I know I didn't really think there was one either) is that I cannot sleep, sex or stressless myself happily without it. That's clearly a dependency.

Pain - I MUST feel hurt every single day, sometimes several times a day. Feeling pain is the ONLY thing that keeps me from losing my shit on everyone for being fucking assholes. I have no fucking idea why.

Facebook - Sounds stupid I know but Facebook provides me with socializing, arguing, educating, humouring, and enjoying myself. Instead of supplementing my life with Facebook, I orbit my life around it. Everything I do must be something worthy of posting on Facebook, or its not interesting to me. I absolutely cannot go more than an hour without checking it. I'm on it right now. Nothing has changed since I last checked it 5 minutes ago.

Sugar - I really don't need to explain this one. Its fucking sweet, delicious, wonderful sugar.

I FUCKING LOVE you.

Buried Alive

During one of the several discussions between Landon and I where I'm trying to describe my thoughts and feelings, I started to describe to the best of my ability using the analogy of "hoarding". After the talk I realized that this is probably the most accurate description of my life, my soul, my mind, my ME. My life force, my essence, my whatever I am, is a hoarder. I keep piling shit on, more and more and more and more. More shit on top of shit. I don't want to clean it, I don't want to organize it, I don't want to stop piling shit on. I like the shit. I'm attached to the shit. Its MINE. Don't fuck with it. Don't move something from where it is to somewhere else. I like where it is. I'm comfortable in my chaotic mess. I like to just sit in the middle of it and look around. I like noticing something I haven't in a long time and remembering the way it made me feel. I like smelling something and all of a sudden my mind is flooded with memories. I like my hoarded out basement.

HOWEVER
I know that this is unhealthy. I've seen the shows where these people are living in a pile of filth, and its gotten so bad that their family and friends have all left until they get some help. I know that I need to overhaul my life. I need to overhaul my hoarded brain. I don't want to though. I'm scared. I want to keep my stuff. I want to keep adding more stuff. I want to suffocate in my stuff, mentally surrounded by everything I love. I want to be a mental hoarder forever. I'm terrified of therapy. I'm terrified of cleaning my mind. I want peace so bad yet I refuse to give up any of my shit for it. I don't want to be empty. I don't want any more holes.

If Gay Means I'm Attracted To Boys, And Straight Means I'm Attracted to Girls, Then I'm Stray. I'm Attracted To Everyone" - Hayden

Its not very often I talk extensively about my children. This is not a parenting blog and I'm also not really into exposing my children a whole lot on the internet without their consent. I have an issue though, an I need some guidance. I'm always very open with my children and will honestly answer any questions they have. Yesterday Hayden and I had a discussion about different sexual orientations and I'm slightly concerned that he isn't quite old enough to fully understand. I ended the conversation after he said the quote which is titling this post. I told him that I need to think it over before we can continue. He's very curious and interested but I'm not sure if I should hold off until he's older or not. He's 7 years old, will be 8 in less than a month. Any thoughts/advice/comments on this would be much appreciated. The last thing I want to do is make him second guess talking to me about anything he wants. If now's not the right time, how do I tell him that without making him feel insecure? Parenting is hard.

Prepare Yourself to Be Offended

I am not a genius. I am not incredibly conceited. I do not think I am better than anyone....HOWEVER, I have been surrounded by so much retardation lately that my frustration and anger has taken over. Here is a list of, in my opinion, groups of people who belong in the category of Stupid Ass Motherfuckers. I'm not sugar coating anything. I'm speaking directly and outright assholish. Right now, I don't care how offensive and arrogant I sound. I also don't care if you take this the wrong way. If you require more of an explanation about why I feel this way, please don't hesitate to ask.


Americans - yeah not every American is a closed minded, ignorant, war mongering, rasict, pig....but most of them are.


Ex-Boyfriends - if you're fortunate enough to have an ex who respects you and doesn't randomly text you asking for sex when they KNOW you're married, I'm jealous.


Christians/Muslims/Jews and general God-fearing folk - I'm an Atheist, I don't really need to explain myself further. However, if you would like to discuss this subject with me, I promise that I will be as respectful as possible to your beliefs. After all, you're entiltled to think whatever you want when it comes to religion. Seriously though, if you really really think logically...and I mean scientifically, fact based logically...how can you possibly believe it?
"Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money"
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

Breast Cancer Research Supporters - I don't care what your excuse is. Even if breast cancer has directly affected you in some traumatic way, you cannot just ignore the fact that it is the most supported of all cancer organizations, if not health organizations over all. There's an entire FUCKING MONTH dedicated to it for fuck sakes. I am not saying that the amount of support it has received is wrong, I am saying that you should stop giving money to the cancer with lowest mortality rate. "We're raising awareness." Shut the fuck up. There is PLENTY of awareness. And don't you dare fucking argue with me. There's pink shit all over the goddamn place. Give it a rest, you're not going to win. Give your fucking money to something that DESERVES it and something that actually needs it. Pancreatic cancer has the highest mortality rate and the lowest amount of funds decidated to research.

Anarchists - Jesus fuck people. It will NEVER work. Massive groups of people need leadership and guidance in order to prevent chaos. Stop being a whiney bitch and vote.

Okay I'm done for now. There's more but I've let out all my steam. Love you lots!

Listen to this. Right now.

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

No Easy Way

There is no easy way for me to say this, and I should probably keep this to myself because as I mentioned previously, I am terrified of the reaction I am going to get from you. Because this is my blog however, I therefore have a self proclaimed right to say whatever I want. There is a very high possibility that I may not live long enough to see my next birthday. Take comfort in the fact that I have and am continuing to do everything in my power to prevent this from happening. When i try and see myself from an outsider's perspective, this situation seems less and less likely, so I have been trying to separate myself, just so I can stay alive. This separation is confusing and hurting my loved ones. I need you to know that no matter what happens and who I have become, there is one contstant that will NEVER change. I love you. Unconditionally until the end of time.

"If Someone Out There Doesn't Agree With Me, Then Somewhere A Village Is Missing Their Idiot"

I need to create a private blog. There is so much that I need to write and release but I can't because I am so engulfed by fear. I'm afraid of you and how you'll react. I'm afraid to lose you. I can't even begin to explain how right my sister is. I know I'm not okay. I know I'm losing myself. I know I'm stuck in a downward spiral and today, I finally accepted that there is no way out alone. I need help. I need a fucking therapist or some shit. I need to talk to someone. I need to accept that I am not strong enough. I will not get out alive if I don't reach out. The part of me that doesn't want to survive is taking over. I need to hang on to that rational part that wants to live but its fading away. I'm not looking for attention and I'm not a fucking Debby Downer holding her Pity Party of the century. I'm just being honest. I don't see the light anymore. I don't see any possibility of being happy ever again.

I Really Want To Stop Crying

Even though I am surrounded by people who provide me with endless and unconditional love and support, I still feel the loneliest I have ever felt in my entire life. My sister and I had discussion the other night about how she was convinced that I am losing my mind. She is so convinced of this fact that she has provided me with resources to seek help from a psychiatrist. She is concerned and fearful of my mental state. Apparently she is not the only one who thinks this. After that talk, I have been eating junk food non stop, smoking tons of cigarettes and sitting in front of the TV for hours. I don't want to do anything but stay awake long enough to get tired so I can go back to sleep. I've always heard that phrase, "crazy people don't know they're crazy" and if Betty is right about her suspicions, than that phrase is 100% accurate. I really don't think I'm crazy. I really don't think I'm losing my mind. I think I'm just lonely. I can't seem to find whatever it is that I'm looking for and its driving me into some deep depression. That's it. No big deal.

Ye Be Warned

I have a shitload of stuff to talk to you about and its gonna be a lot of whining and bitching and rambling on about myself, so fair warning! Don't read the next few posts if you're not into that sort of thing. Actually, probably don't read any of my posts. I tend to bitch and whine and talk about myself a lot.... So if you're not into that sort of thing...you're probably not even here in the first place, so.....nevermind!

Like I implied, this is just a pre-post.

GREAT NEWS: I just got invited to a gay wedding in Halifax next summer. This girl who used to work at a radio station in town who is probably the coolest girl I have ever met...go engaged!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! I get to go bask in the awesome love between two awesome people and because I was invited its not creepy! Yay!!!!!!!!!

Fuck This

I really wish there was something I could do to help the abused people in this world who refuse to seek refuge. I mean the women or men in relationships who are still at the point of believing either its their fault, or this is normal, or its the only way their life works or whatever other excuse they come up with. I wish there was a way I could take the children involved away from that life and hug them and hold them and tell them I love them. I hate living in a place where there is so much hate and trauma and despair. I hate knowing that these poor children are at home being screamed at by their alcoholic parents because they wants to wear a shirt that's too big for them. I'm three doors down. I should just walk over there and ask him to come play with us. That poor poor boy. I'm so thankful that my children are loved and supported and respected. I'm so thankful that I'm not corrupted by alcohol or drug abuse and therefore not destroying the wonderful parts of my children. I'm not taking away their innocence. I just want to hug that little boy. I want him to know that he is loved. I hate this so much. I love him so much.

I miss Jack.

It Was Not Only His Moustache That Made Me Fall In Love

Dear Jack,
You were the greatest Canadian politician we had in decades. The reason why? You loved us. You praised us. You cared about us. You inspired us. You captivated us. Before you, I couldn't care less about politics. I knew so little about it that any debate or argument I found myself in would leave me silent and unfulfilled. You changed that all for me. I now feel like I have a voice, and that I deserve to be heard. You made me feel important amongst 33 million other Canadians. My opinions and my thoughts were relevant. You made it okay to be a socialist. Your death, as traumatic as it is for me personally, not to mention all social democrats and democratic socialists all over Canada, should be looked at as a historical moment in history when right winged Canadians shut their idiot mouths for once and actually listened. I am hopeful that this has shaken up our country enough to push them in the right direction.

Don't mistake this for me taking an opportunity to plug my political views, but rather plug my social views of love, hope, optimism, passion, truth, justice, and freedom. A part of me is scared that without Jack, we will go backwards. He was the one and only reason I am active in politics today. He is the one and only reason so many socialists have come out of their closets and expressed their views. He is the one and only reason Canada has a chance of getting out their shameful rut of selfishness and greed. When Stephen Harper was re-elected I have never felt more ashamed to be a citizen of this country, but yet, I still had faith. Jack had never been more popular than he was at that moment, and his popularity was growing. His followers were growing. His support was growing. Canada was still changing. Now that he's gone, I don't know what I see for our future, but if Jack has taught me one thing, its that love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

Seriously, Time To Fuck Off Now. Thanks.

Fuck you Depression. Get the fuck away from me goddammit. Why do you refuse to acknowledge how much I despise you? All you ever want to do is envelope me in misery. Its not fun. I don't enjoy it. Get lost. I succomb to your awfulness and begin to dislike literally everything around me. You're not only hurting me, but also my family, friends, coworkers, and anyone else that has the pleasure of speaking to me. Whenever you get your little desires to fuck with my life, I lose people, I lose parts of myself and I lose time wasting it on trying to destroy you. I'm actually losing money because of you. Losing love, losing lust, losing everything that's good in my life. Why me? Why can't you go fuck with someone else instead? I don't deserve this. I never did anything to justify being treated like a useless piece of garbage. All I want is to be content. Not even happy. Just content. Why is that so much to ask??? I have a husband and two children who rely on me. I have people who look up to me and if they see me fall apart, what will happen to them? You have fucked up my entire life and therefore fucked up the lives of my children. You have destroyed whatever fantastic people they could have been. Seriously...what is it going to take to get you rot in hell you asshole motherfucking bastard depression? I hate you.

In Your Face Space Coyote!

My mind is in a constant state of wonder. Always thinking about the what ifs. I know that I've said many many times that what ifs will ultimately destroy you, but I cannot avoid them. I'm on this personal, somewhat internal (not so much now that I'm blogging about it) mission to find myself. I'm 28, married and have two fanfuckingtastic children. Is this really where I want to be for the rest of my life??? No. Definitely not. Its nothing against Landon or my children, and that's what makes it so complicated. I have an extremely difficult time trying to talk to Landon about it. It's impossible to explain exactly how I feel. It's impossible not to offend him either. I mean, I would be offended if he told me that he wasn't sure he should be married. Maybe. Probably not actually because I know how he would feel. That's how I feel. The older I get and the more I learn, the more I realize that I am not where I should be. I'm not a settle-down-er. I'm not a routiner. I'm so not an every-day-is-exactly-the-samer. I love my job, and I love my friends, and I love my family but I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. Like really deep down inside. I've never been alone ever for more than a few hours. EVER. I'm not exaggerating. Its never happened. I really wonder who I would be if no one was around me. I've also never been celibate for more than a few days since I gave my v-card away. Don't assume I'm some easy piece of ass or anything. Its not like that at all. I've never been single. Went from v-card boy to Landon 3 days later. I wonder who I would be if I were single, or even just able to date people I was interested in. That counts women as well. I'm extremely interested in dating women but never had the opportunity. Landon and I have discussed in depth the concept of open marriage. I want it. Now. Landon's more apprehensive about which he has every right to be. Its not a common thing and terribly, frowned upon for the most part (which is ridiculous. Really who are you to decide what "the sacrament of marriage" is all about. Fuck off). Who would I be if I didn't smoke? If I drank alcohol? If I had a personal studio space to paint and draw and create? If I went to a post secondary class or two? If I spent more time with the people that I actually want to spend time with instead of the people I feel obligated to spend time with? Who would I be if I acted on my impulses and did what my heart and soul were telling me to do?

Fortunate Son

I fucking love CCR, as you may already be aware. I am here listening to their Best Of album and finding myself wondering what kind of person I would be had I been born when I should have been, in the 40's, so I could be a crazy hippy wandering aimlessly throughout life, loving, sexing, drugging, dancing and enjoying.

I have been wanting to write for quite some time, however I haven't been feeling that confident lately. My sister and Landon both ganged up on me and gave me a nice long lecture about how I'm conceited and egotistical. I really don't think I am. Yes, I think quite highly of myself, but I really believe that's healthy. I'm not cocky and I don't think I'm better than people for no reason. I'm logical and therefore know that I'm better than some people, but for a reason. Maybe they're assholes or snobby bitches or Hitler. I'm definitely better than Hitler. I want to be confident and I want people to know that I will not take their shit, but I don't want them to scared of me and I MOST CERTAINLY don't want them to think I'm a conceited bitch. I'm really really not. I think I've embraced a lot about myself that most people try to hide, like the fact that I LOVE attention. That shouldn't make me conceited, that should just make me honest. I'm also incredibly proud and honoured to be able to see myself making a difference in people's lives because of the things that I do. I never take that for granted ever. And the fact that I talk about it a lot makes me conceited? Well I'll just shut up then. I'll stop and go back to pretending I'm just an average person. I'll ignore the parts of me that scream for activism and purpose. I'll live in the shadows and blend in with the mindless sheep. I'll drop the whole atheism thing and the whole human rights advocacy. I'll just be a regular old working mom, struggling to get by day to day in this fucked up society, instead of taking the opportunity to become a politician and make a difference. As if my ego needs that! The spotlight, especially one that allows me to actually be heard is the last thing I need if I want to keep my friends.

I HATE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE BASTARD MOTHERFUCKER.

Somewhere along the way, my hopefulness turned to sadness
Somewhere along the way , my sadness turned to bitterness
Somewhere along the way, my bitterness turned to anger
Somewhere along the way, my anger turned to vengeance

And the ones that I made pay were never the ones who deserved it
And the ones who deserved it, they'll never understand it.
Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a purple basket
'Least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket...

How could you be, oh
So perfect for me?
Why can't you ignore, oh
The things I did before?

Somewhere along the way, exacting vengeance gave excitement
Somewhere along the way, that excitement turned to pleasure
Somewhere along the way, that pleasure turned to madness
But sooner or later that kind of madness turns into pain

And the ones that I made pay were never the ones who deserved it
Those who helped me along the way, I smacked 'em as I thanked 'em
Yes, I know I'm going to Hell in a leather jacket
'Least I'll be in another world while you're pissing on my casket

And all that I can do is sing a song of faded glory
And all you got to do is sit there, look great, and make 'em horny
Together we'll sing songs and tell exaggerated stories
About the way we feel today and tonight and in the morning...

How could you be, oh
So perfect for me?
Why can't you ignore, oh
The things I did before?

Take all your fears, pretend they're all true
Take all your plans, pretend they fell through
But that's what it's like...
That's what it's like for most people in this world
The rich or the poor Oh,
Muslims or Jews Oh,
When roles are reversed Oh,
Opinions are too..No oh oh

That's all I'm gonna say now
Before they come knocking on my door now

Please Pay Attention To This. It's Important

Beauty In The World - Macy Gray ---->here's the video: http://youtu.be/0qX7ZsxD3Ik
I know you’re fed up
Like a lead up for us
All they talk about is
What is going down?
What’s been messed up for us?
When I look around I see blue skies
I see butterflies for us

Listen to the sound and lose it
Its sweet music and dance with me
There is beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Always beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Shake your booty boys and girls for the beauty in the world
Pick your diamond pick your pearl there is beauty in the world
All together now

We need more lovin’
We need more money, they say
Change is gonna come
Like the weather
They say forever
They say
When they’re in between
Notice the blue skies
Notice the butterflies
Notice me

Stop and smell the flowers
And lose it the sweet music and dance with me
There is beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Always beauty in the world
There is beauty in the world
Shake your booty boys and girls for the beauty in the world
Pick your diamond pick your pearl there is beauty in the world
All together now

Heya throw your hands up and holla
Throw your hands up and holla
When you don’t know what to do
Don’t know if you’ll make it through
Remember god is giving you beauty in the world
So love (Beauty in the world)
Yeah love (Beauty in the world)

There is beauty in the world (Beauty in the world)
Beauty in the world (Beauty in the world)
Shake your booty boys and girls (Boys and Girls)
All the beauty in the world (Beauty in the world)
Pick your diamond pick your pearl (Pick your pearl)
There is beauty in the world (Beauty in the world)
All together now
Yeah love
Yeah love
Oh love
All together now

Hey baby when I’m looking at you
I know it’s fact is true
There is hope for love
There is beauty in the world
Hey baby
Hey baby when I’m looking at you
I know this vibe is true
There’s love
There’s hope for love
There’s beauty in the world

Personal Project of Love

So I have decided to pretend to be someone new everyday, for as many days as I want until I get bored. My goal with this randomly concocted project is to learn more about the people I love. Do and think like they do, hoping to better understand them and ultimately be a better friend to them. Its creepy and entertaining, plus the people I choose get some attention and people always love attention. Yay Facebook for allowing me to embrace my inner creeper and turning into something positive.

Cosmic Love

A fallen star
Fell from your heart
And landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud
As it tore through them
And now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon
They have all been blown out
You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day
I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of you heart

And in the dark
I can hear your heartbeat, I try to find the sound
But then it stopped
And I was in the darkenss
So the darkness I became

The stars, the moon
They have all been blown out
You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day
I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of you heart

I took the stars from my eyes
And then I made a map
I knew that some how
I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon
They have all been blown out
You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day
I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of you heart

No stars, no moon
They have all been blown out
You left me in the dark

No dawn, no day
I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of you heart

Like I'm The Only Girl In The World

Dear Blog Readers,
I love you. You truly make me feel like what I have to say is important. Whether it be to entertain you, waste your time or educate you, I am here for a reason. I haven't been getting a lot of comments or new followers lately, but I know you're still there. I know you're interested in what I'm what I'm doing. I know that I will never leave and run away because of you. You make my life full of purpose. You make me continue to live a life that is worthy of sharing. Thank you. I love you more than you could ever comprehend. Please feel free to follow in public rather than behind the shadows. Please feel free to start your own blog so that I can learn from you. I could never say it enough times and you could never hear it enough times. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Forever and ever.

Time For A Story!

It's 8:00 in the morning. I'm at work, getting started for the day. Grabbing my coffee, chattering about my weekend and my upcoming Super Family Fun Time. My family and I are extremely close. Not that kind of close, but almost. The Toussiant side at least. My Dear Auntie Denise had two perfect children. Richard, who resides here in Saskatoon with his wife and 5 month old son Cooper, and Rhonda, who resides in Chelmsford Ontario with her three children, 15 year old Telysa and 6 year old twins McKenzie and Denver. I haven't met the twins yet so I'm uber excited to see them. There's gonna be 18 people there altogether. 7 people under the age of 16, and 11 people over the age of 22. Its gonna be amazing. BBQ'd hot dogs, hamburgers, my mom's Vinegar Potato Salad and Coca-Cola. Water fights and dirt diggings. Spinny time and horribly candid family photos. Embarrassing stories we haven't yet heard, jokes that teach everyone else how racist you are, nicknames that will never be forgotten, hugs, kisses, tears, laughs, blood and bruises. The best time of my life. I'm lucky I made it to this state of maturity and wiseness so I could accurately grasp how fantastic this moment is going to be. Only 7 hours to go.

Its approximately 12 hours later. Having a nice relaxing time out on the front deck with several family members, about to wave Richard goodbye. The youngin's are inside watching Treehouse. All except Denver. He's getting ready to cross the street to his mom who's getting something from the car. At the exact same time, I hear a loud yell coming from my left, down the street just a bit. I hear a loud roar of what has to be more than one car engine speeding towards me. I hear myself and several other voices yell, "DENVER GET OFF THE ROAD!". I see Rhonda run across the street. I hear my mom whistle loudly. I hear a "STOP!" I see people running into the street. I see a blue Civic, a gold Sunfire, side by side speeding down a residential street towards my family and my neighbours. My mother and Richard are in the middle of the street! The Civic maintains his speed as the Sunfire backs off slightly. I hear a loud thud as I see my mother's hand hit the hood of the Civic as it speeds past her right, swerving still to Richard's right, just centimetres from the truck parked in front of the house. The Civic grazes Richard as it speeds along to the stop sign, the Sunfire following close behind. Richard's yelling the license plate of the Civic, different family members and neighbours are dialing 911. My brother Johnathan is walking to his car as my mom yells for him to stop. She knows as well as I that he will surely kill the idiots who put my family in danger. I hear someone say, "I wish I got the Sunfire's plates but I can't catch them now." I smile cockily and say, "I can." My sister gives me the look and she runs out back. I run into the street to meet her. I get in the car, no shoes on of course, and we start to drive away. My mom yells from the sidewalk, "YOU STAY 50 FEET AWAY FROM THEM!!! I DON'T NEED YOU COMING HOME WITH SCARS AND ABUSE CHARGES!" "Yes mom", my sister and I say simultaneously and we speed off (no more than 40 km/hr of course). We're driving for what seems like hours, all over town trying to spot a blue Civic or a gold Sunfire. Just as we're about to give up Betty yells, "THERE THEY ARE!" and we uturn, speed up and chase after them. On some dirt road just out of town...closer and closer and closer and just about the get the plates, they turn off into a field. Betty and I are now scrambling to figure out how the fuck we're gonna get a shitty ass Cavalier in there. No way we're mud bogging it when I've got no shoes and a skirt on. Not to mention my Lady Gaga shirt that I am NOT wrecking! We drive around, trying to find another way in. We start to give up and make are way back home when we spot Richard and Johnathan in the truck. Fuck yes. Teenager Trapping Time commences. We lead the boys to the Idiots, all hop in the truck, drive in quick to make sure they're both there, then back up, block the gate and call the cops. About a cigarette and half later, Constable Armstrong comes to the rescue. Fuck I love bad ass lady cops. The four of us in the truck, drive into the field and face the bastards. All 5 of them look up, not too concerned...more confused...and we watch their faces as they spot the lights behind us. Priceless. Absolutely fucking blissfully priceless. The four of us laugh quietly amongst ourselves as we watch the chochy little boy get felt up and put in the back with no more than 5 words from the bad ass lady cop. We give a brief statement and then go on our merry way back to the Super Family Fun Time, knowing that these kids are in for some shit. You do not dare put this family in danger without a Driving Without Care For Human Life, and "Street Racing" (I forget what the legal name is)charge, AND a pending charge under the criminal code, nearly guaranteeing some sweet, ass-loving jail time.

So now I sit, eagerly waiting for my call to witness, hoping these assholes plead non-guilty, just so I can sit in court and ensure they burn good for what they did. Toussiant Family Unite!

Morphine Wins!

So I gots me a fancy dancy concussion. After two and half weeks of constant headaches that just seemed to get worse and worse and a trip to the family doctor which gave me no information whatsoever...I made my way over to ye olde hospital and got me a CT Scan. Terrifying I must say but totally worth it. I am not bleeding from the head or brain, I do not have a tumour, I do not have Arnold Chiari Malformation like my mama. Just a concussion. A horribly painful and debilitating concussion. So what do they give me? 2400 mg of ibuprofen a day and a morphine for bed. Sweet! I HATE narcotics and have never tried anything more than codeine which knocks me flat on my ass. I'm scared to take it. I'm safe at home and going to straight to bed but what if I don't wake up? I have an extremely low tolerance for narcotics and they fuck me right up. In a way I'm excited but also very nervous. What if I like it? What if I like the feeling I get from these fancy pain killers and take more than my recommended dose? What if I become addicted like some other people I know... Maybe I'm just over thinking it. Who knows. Yay for happy times!

The Gift Of Sight

As you're probably more than aware, I love art. I am by no means an expert, or even a fanatic, as I'm not nearly educated enough to be either. I merely find what I find and see what I see. I love all forms of art. Natural and man made. Every medium. Personally, I write, paint, draw and do a lot of experimenting with relationships and personal interactions. I try to find the art and beauty in everything. Lately with the daily stresses I've been having a difficult time finding artistic bliss on a daily basis. Today I have decided to dedicate this blog to the art of animation.

First, Jason Steele and all those at FilmCow. My personal favourite is Charlie The Unicorn. I also enjoy Llamas With Hats and Marshmallow People.

Second, David Firth and all those at Fat-Pie. My personal favourite is Salad Fingers. I also highly recommend the stop frame film Crooked Rot.

Third, Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr. Fox. This is an epic masterpiece, to put it simply.

Fourth, two videos by Tool. Adam Jones is the genius behind these. Most of their videos include some form of animation, but these two feature it prominently. Prison Sex and Sober.

I think about the thought process to create these. I think about the internal struggles to write down what their imagination is coming up with. I think about whether the end result is what they initially pictured. I think about how many hours of stress and work and effort and frustration and tears and sweat it took to create a mere few minutes of video. The creators of these are artistic geniuses, and I am SO incredibly fortunate to be able to enjoy these.

Self Righteous Suicide

So if you have suicidal thoughts, you're supposed to share them, yet when you do share them, you get judged. Especially when someone close to you very recently committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. I want to jump off a bridge yet I am a terrible person for saying so. How else am I supposed to make people aware of my feelings and receive the proper guidance and support without sharing my thoughts? Yes I have suicidal thoughts. Yes I want to fly. Yes I want more than nothing to escape the complicated stressful disaster that is my life but will I? NO. I will not ever ever ever ever ever do that. EVER.

A Letter

Dear Matthew Lars Oscienny,

Last night I had a fucked up dream. Which is normal for me. They don't usually make me think a whole lot because like I said, they're normal. This one was different though. I know that you will find it interesting, even humourous, so I thought I would share it with you. At least what I can remember.

There was a group of people, bad people. Maybe not bad as much as just misguided. They didn't like you. We were on a float, in a parade. You and I and several of our mutual friends and acquaintances. It was a parade for Godzilla (of all things). An awareness parade. It was dusk. This group was against the parade. Said it was against God. They wanted to poison you.
They ran towards us with the poison and I jumped up and yelled "NO!". Everything stopped. Everything went quiet. It was just you and me all of a sudden. I looked at you and I said to the group, "Kill me instead. Don't kill Matthew Lars Oscienny. He's too good to leave this world. Take me. I'm less than he. Take me." We looked into each others eyes and started to cry. It faded to black.

When I was explaining this dream to Landon, he said, "That's weird. But good. You sacrificed yourself to save the world." To save the world. Matt Oscienny you are not the world, but clearly in this dream you were to me. I miss you so much. It seems to come in waves these last 4 months. I will be so bad, so very very bad and then be fine. Now I'm bad again. You're in my line of sight everywhere I look but I can never see you. You're in my thoughts but I can never hear you. You're in my dreams but I can never touch you. In times like this I wonder how I am going to survive this loss of one of my best friends, one of the most important people I ever knew, one of my few true loves. And then I think about how difficult this is and realize how much harder its going to be when my family starts passing on. The older I get the scarier my life is. You're dying has destroyed my living. I can't even express how I feel accurately. Everything I say is an understatement. I miss you <--- understatement. I love you <--- understatement. I just want to hug you one more time and make sure you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I don't want to know that you're last days here were full of confusion and pain and sorrow. I want you to feel peace. <---understatement. I hope its better for you <---understatement.

I love you forever.
Casey Humenny

PS: Write back.

Ursula Is The Best Disney Villian of All Time...or Possibly Maleficent

Some music has spoken to me before, but never have I heard a song that I felt was written for me. This song should be called "Dear Casey". Now, I am sharing this with you because I am trying to tell you something that I am unable to say otherwise. Please try and read it carefully so you can better understand.

YOU ARE A TOURIST - DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow
Let it grow
And there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alarmed

(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a doubt in your mind
'Cos you think it all the time
Framin' rights into wrongs
Move along
Move along
When there's a doubt in your mind

When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Oh, there's nothing to fear
Save the tears
Save the tears

When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then, it's time to go
And you find your destination with so many different places to call home
Cos' when you find yourself a villain,
In the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions
Are in need of redemptions
Would you agree
If so, please show me
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a burning in your heart,
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart.

Happy Friday The 13th

Hey there! Just wanted to do a quick post letting you know a little bit of how these last four days have been for me. As you're aware, I've been having quite the stressful time, and learning of yet ANOTHER death today, haven't been able to handle it that well. So I took some time, coincidentally right around my birthday/anniversary, to make a trip to Edmonton to see two of my loves: System of a Down and Brittany Lee. I was lucky enough to meet the delightful Kate East (I love her name) and spend some alone time with my wonderful husband. We spent several hours in the mall (duh), wandering aimlessly throughout the city, getting lost in Sherwood Park, getting scared downtown, sciencing in the science centre, eating at Olive Garden and Taco Bell, and generally enjoying myself. I missed the SHIT out of my children, my sister, and my coworkers but still had an incredible time away. It was much needed. I felt calm 95% of the time, which is a HUGE difference for me. I know its Edmonton...a huge and confusing and BUSY as hell city but with Brittany, beer, Landon, Wal-Mart and a jacuzzi tub, I wouldn't have asked for anything better. I highly recommend the Mindbender the next time you're in town, as well as the 25 cent peep show on Jasper Avenue. Good times.

PS: I am 28 years old today.

SERIOUSLY!!!

Someday...maybe, I will feel normal again. Someday I will not hurt and be angry all the goddamn time. Someday I will not be a total nut case and a total bitch. Someday I will be honest with myself. Someday I will stop running away. Someday I will face my demons....and die. That's my someday. Death. Woo. Yay for mental illnesses.

Gettin Crazy With The Cheese Whiz

So as I sit here, listening to Beck and watching a muted Law and Order SVU, I think about why. I don't like thinking about why. Its extremely frustrating. Frustration is something I cannot cope with very well. Well I can't really cope with anything "well", but frustration has got to be one of the most difficult ones for sure. Why does my dad have cancer? Why do I have two healthy and intelligent sons? Why am I married? Why am I unhappy? Why do I draw so many different kinds of people towards myself? Why did Matt kill himself? Why am I becoming more and more interested in a romantic affair with a woman? Why don't I believe in God anymore? Why do I like Justin Bieber? Why do I care about people who don't care about me? Why am I so naive? Why do I want to wear dresses and curl my hair and buy pretty shoes? Why do I want to run away and never come back? Why can't I just focus on the love and goodness? Why am I here? What EXACTLY is my purpose? I need to stop rambling.

Bitch

I'm a total fucking bitch. I'm an asshole. I ignore you, avoid you, insult you, lie to you, betray you, and every other evil thing I can think of. I'm a terrible and lazy mother. I deserve nothing from anyone aside from disrespect and hate. I pretend to love you. I pretend to know what I'm talking about so you'll respect me. I pretend to be a bad ass so you'll fear me. I pretend to be nice so you'll love me. I do all these things so that when I run away, or when I die, you'll hurt. You'll be in so much pain and feel so much loss for the greatness that was me. You'll cry and you'll mourn and you'll write and you'll think. You'll think and think and think and start to learn of all the lies and all the horrible shit I did behind your back. You'll start to realize that I was hypocritical and dishonest. Everything you learned from me was wrong. You'll second guess yourself and what I have lead you to become. You'll second guess everything you believe and everything you stand for. You'll go crazy and start doing drugs and destroying yourself. All before you graduate from high school. You'll lose all your friends and you'll lose all your family, just because your mother was an asshole. Just because she fucked you up in ways only you and your brother will know. I will not apologize for what I have done to you because that would mean that I feel I could have done something different. I cannot do different. I was born an atheist, selfish, pessimistic, ignorant asshole and I'll die that way. If you ever survive the trauma that I have caused, and decide to forgive me, I will be forever grateful. I should have provided you with a better life when I had the chance.

SUCK ON THAT Five Years, Four Months and 28 Days

So this is what I did last night. Enjoy. Hopefully you can understand it...or most of it.

Wha'ts up pieple! I am drunk for the first time in over five years and it is awesaome. ' I drunk texted people, annoyed the shit out of Landon and am now writing on this wsord doceument...clearly with fantastic spelling and grammar.

TOmmorow I will fo to work and you know will happen? I will be hung over and go buy a gatoradre....exucse me...powerade (coke prodcut) and feel better. then I will possibly buy some Opa because I will be missing Opa like I am now and Opa makes lunch time turn into delicious time

Today I wrnt tot he bbq for THE NDP PARTY> AND JACXK LATYTON WAS THERE AND HE WAS BEAUTIFULT> DID YOU KNOW HE HAD CANCER? I DIDN:T. I fortot that I had ther shift button down. I am sorry

I don't know why I drank tonight. I wanted to exape from reality and drinking was the only way I could accomplish that. I LOVE TYOU TAYLOR SWIFT. Just kidding I hate Taylor swift. I don't hate her. I juast like everyone else better.a

hooooorya for word cudomesnets. That was supposed to say documents. I love you my friends. I think Meagan Gilbert is dead sexy and I wqould love to make out with her. GBOOD DAY! I LVEOUOUT~

MT dsaY AHS ONLY TWO YEARS LEFT TO LIVE HOW AWESOME IS THAT! hOW MANY YUEARS DOES YOUR DAD HAVE LEFT TO LIVE? SP THERE,.

happty birthdaY TO THE GROUNDF

MY DAD;S NOT A PHONE.