Nipple Tassles

My Auntie Denise, her wonderful children, and her wonderful grandchildren. My favourite male cousin got married this last weekend. I highly doubt he will ever read this, but just in case, I am going to keep my feelings about his bride to myself. I'd rather wait until someday far from now to reveal them, if ever. He is happy, she loves him, and that is what matters most. I am truly happy for him. I am very very proud of him. I never thought in a million years anyone would want to marry him. Don't get me wrong, he is a great catch, as long as you don't count financial stability into the equation, which most women do, so that's why I never thought he would find someone. He always goes for the high maintenance ladies, and those kind of ladies do not appreciate someone bad with money. The Bride however, seems to not care about that. She really loves him for him, and that's nice. His sister came out from Ontario for the wedding, which was WONDERFUL because I rarely ever see her yet her and I are very very close. Her daughter Telysa, whom I had never met and is 13!, came with her. I fell in love the second I saw her, literally. She is drop dead fucking gorgeous. Olive skin, perfect little freckles, beautiful beautiful eyes, tall, thin, GORGEOUS I am so jealous hair, and boobs! Lots of boobs! I had nothing near boobs when I was 13. Bitch. My favourite female cousin (Rhonda)'s twins, Denver(boy) and Mackenzie(girl) didn't come, which is too bad since they're the same age as Hayden, but meh, she couldn't afford it and boy can I relate to that! The weekend was fantastic. I felt like a kid, running and laughing all over the WDM with my brother and little cousin acting like we were all 13, setting off alarms and scaring the crap out of little kids. It was awesome. There was only one thing missing all week, my Auntie Denise. GOD do I miss her. I thought the pain would ease, but it hasn't. It keeps creeping up at the most unexpected times, and of course, the most expected times. I cried so much this weekend. Tears of joy, tears of laughter, and tears of sadness. Only someone who has lost a close loved one can understand the pain I feel. Looking over at her picture right now I try and think of the happy times with Auntie. She fucking laughed more than any adult I knew. That's what I think about most when I think of her. Her laugh. She would've had a blast watching my brother, little cousin and I acting like children. She would've cried tears of joy to see us all together. She would've been the proudest mom in the world to watch her only son get married. She would NOT however, have condoned the bride. This bothers me. I know, and Rhonda knows, that Auntie would have had more than a few things to say about Bride. I don't think this would have happened, or at least happened happily, if Auntie was here. I wonder if she can see what's happening, and I wonder if she has now accepted it, and knows that Bride truly madly deeply loves Richard and knows that she will treat him right, all the days of her life. I would like to think so, and that makes me feel slightly more at peace. I love my Auntie. I miss her badly. Rhonda cousin looks like her. Scarily like her.

My family means the world to me, and I always want what's best for them, and I know deep down in my soul that this Bride and Groom were meant for each other. Rhonda knows it too, and like I said, I like to think my Auntie does too. I would've liked to hear what she had to say though, and I would've loved to see Bride storm out of the room in her better-than-thou attitude, only to realize that she was now alone, because there is no way in hell Ricky would ever choose anyone over his mother. The phrase "Over my dead body!" will never be spoken out of my mouth ever again, because until now, I had no idea that it could be taken so literally. Rest in peace Auntie. Please.

Beer....delicious

Nicole is everything I could ever ask for in a sister-in-law. She treats my brother properly, loves him unconditionally, and loves me just as much. She surprises me every day with how much love she has for my family. When I started this campaign for my dad, she instantaneously joined in. Doing anything and everything she can to raise money for my group. She even talked to her work, and they donated. That alone is awesome. She organized a beer night for me too! I love her more than I ever thought I could love someone dating my brother. No one is ever good enough for him, except her. I never thought in a hundred years I would ever admit that someone was good enough for my perfect baby Johnathan, but then she came along, out of blue, and stole my heart. It was love at first sight. As every new day comes, more love comes for her. I sometimes wonder where it comes from. Unfortunately, I have a sneaking suspicion that it is coming from someone who, as every new day comes, I am falling less in love with. Whom It May Concern I fear, is slowly starting to be replaced. Its not my fault. I try not to let it happen, but its hard when I can't control it. To be honest though, I wouldn't love Nicole any less than if Whom It May Concern still had my utmost of love, but when someone important leaves your life, you try to replace them subconsciously, be it with a person, a dog, or chocolate. In this case, its a new sister. Pain from loss can make you say and do stupid, abnormal things. And even though as I type this, I think of pain that I am causing Whom It May Concern, I really don't care. They had their chance, too many chances. Its a lost cause now. I have someone new. Someone who won't leave me for a useless, unproductive, irresponsible, completely preventable, unsatisfying life.

I was once a sad person. Some might call it depressed, but I just call it sad. I had a clouded vision of life. Everyday I woke up and made myself sad, instead of now, waking up and not even trying, but making myself feel happy. Today though, I am sad. I am sad when I look at a long list of invites to this beer night for my daddy, and see that many of my friends have decided to not attend. I wonder why this is. I wonder if they even bothered to look at why I was having a beer night. I wonder if they even care why I was having a beer night. If their dad was dying, I would go to their beer night, and I don't even drink alcohol! Assholes I say. No, its fine. You don't have to come. But could you at least tell me why? At least explain why you are ignoring my father and what may be his last chance to do something completely for himself.

I'm sorry for my depressing blogs lately.

All You Need Is Love

All you need to survive, is love. If you base your life on love, you will be happy. Love teaches you to be patient, kind, forgiving, understanding, compassionate, etc etc.... but when you love someone who keeps disappointing you over and over and OVER again, what do you do? Do you forgive them AGAIN? Do you have compassion for them AGAIN? Do you ignore the hurt and the anger and be patient and understanding AGAIN??? Just so you can get hurt fucking AGAIN??????
Argh, argh indeed.

My dad is the greatest man I know. The greatest man that ever lived. Including Bruce Wayne. My dad is the greatest man I know. I love my dad. I love my dad. I really love my daddy. My daddy is sick. He has lymphoma. It's going to kill him. He will die in 10-15 years, at the most. 10-15 years, you might say, is a long time. At least its not 10-15 weeks, you might say. At least its not 10-15 days, you might say. At least he's alive right now, you might say. OR, you could say, 10-15 years? That sucks! He's not going to see your kids get married. He's not going to see your kids graduate even. What's up with that? That's too young to die. Especially for the greatest man that ever lived. He won't even get a chance to do anything for himself. He's just been working his whole life, providing for his family. Caregiving his children. What about caregiving himself? What about retiring and enjoying the relaxing life of grandparents? What about April-Lee? When are you going to get a break from her?

Don't get me wrong, I love April-Lee, but having children of my own have made me understand what a difficult child she is. May parents love her unconditionally and have therefore given their lives for her. Imagine your new son or daughter, needing to be completely dependent on someone for the rest of their life, and because you love them so much, you don't trust anyone else to take care of them, so you do it. Until they die. This means that you have a "baby" forever. You don't get to go camping and fishing whenever you want. You don't get to go stay in a hotel on your anniversary, or go on a cruise just for fun. You don't get to do anything. You think you have a difficult time finding a babysitter now? Try finding someone capable of caring for a Level 4 Quadriplegic. Over night???? Not a chance. No one wants to do that. It's too much work. So you have to. You have to work your ass off your whole life because your wife can't do it, she needs to stay home with the kids. You have to come home from work and NOT get a break because your wife has been working all day, and she needs a break first. You have to give up everything for everyone else. Everyone else comes first. WELL NOT THIS TIME DADDY! I am MAKING you go to that concert if it kills me. You MORE than deserve this. Be a teenager again for one night. Who knows when it will come next time.

Letter

I sincerely apologize that my blog doesn't get updated as often as it should. I'm finding it very difficult lately to have some time that I can dedicate to it. I HATE blogging with Landon sitting right beside me, and so it makes it difficult because my computer is also my living room TV. The only times I can type without Landon around, is during the day, when the kids are running around the house, or when Landon is in bed, at which time I am EXHAUSTED. So again, sorry. I will try harder to find time. Today, I am going to write a letter to someone who most likely won't read it. I need to write this letter though, even though its highly unlikely they'll read it, because then my feelings will be out there, and will therefore make me feel a little braver to tell them my feelings in person.

To Whom It May Concern,
I'm not really sure why you have chosen to spend your time with a mentally unstable drug addict who happens to be 13 years your senior instead of your family. I'm not really sure why you seem to not care about what EVERYONE in your life has to say. I'm not really sure why you have slowly been turning into a lowlife, useless piece of shit, and don't seem to care. I'm not really sure why you seem to think that this is what you need. I don't know why you can't take a look at yourself 6 months ago, and compare the scene with yourself today, and not see that there is something seriously wrong. I have been disappointed in you before. I have been angry with you before. I have been sad for you before. I have helped you when no one else would, and helped you when no one SHOULD before. I have almost given up hope for you before. I have almost been to the point of disconnecting myself with you before. I have loved you unconditionally and passionately for the last 23 years. I have felt every emotion there is to feel about you. I have never been closer to anyone else in my life, including my husband. I have never lost faith in you. I don't understand why you can't see how much you're hurting me. I don't understand why you can't see how much I love you, and how much I just want what's best for you. I can't understand why you want him more than me. More than your mom, your dad, your sisters and brother, your nephews, your friends..... I miss you. I want you to come back. I want you back. I need you. I don't know why you don't care how much pain I am in because of the life you have chosen. Please........................my heart hurts so much. I have nothing left to do. I have nothing else to give. I am sad best friend. I am sad. I am scared. Please come back, please. I love you. I love you.