Apology

You may have noticed a change to my blog. I have privatized it. I have a sneaking suspicion that my mother has read my blog. As much as I love her, the last thing I want is for her to have another reason to make me feel like I'm not good enough.

On November 18th of this year, I wrote something on my blog out of pure anger and pain. It has been brought to my attention that this post hurt someone I love. I never intended that to happen. I have no excuses for my behaviour and I am terribly terribly sorry. I do need to clear something up though. When I said, "the funeral was an absolute nightmare", I didn't mean anything other than the fact that it was a funeral for someone I loved, and there were people there that I really REALLY didn't want to see. Other than that, it was really a beautiful service. Very emotional, very intense, but beautiful. It was perfect for my Auntie. I also need to explain that when I said, "her pain was self inflicted" I didn't mean that she had done this to herself on purpose. I don't know what I meant by that exactly. I think that at that point, when I was typing, I was just so full of anger and pain that I wanted to blame everything on her. This was not right. My Auntie was a wonderful, caring, loving, passionate, selfless, generous, strong, determined, beautiful woman. She would have done, and did, anything for everyone else. Richard did not "fuck off" as in abandoned anyone, to Alberta. He just left to be himself for a while, and I shouldn't be mad at him for that. I was jealous, if anything. Incredibly jealous. When I wrote that post, I let my anger and pain take over my sense of reason and respect and for that I am remorseful. Please forgive me for what I put you through while reading that. It wasn't fair to you. I have since deleted that post, which goes against one of my very strong beliefs, but if it's causing pain to someone I love, I will do anything I can. I believe in freedom of speech and non censorship, but I also strongly believe in respect, and I respected no one with that. Next time I am feeling angry I will be more careful with that I say. If I ever do anything to you that causes you pain again, please tell me. I love you very much, and I cannot express how deeply shamed I am for what I did to you. Please forgive me.

FUCKING MEMORY!!!

I forgot one of the most wonderful days! I knew I would. When I was writing the draft in my head last night I remembered it but of course, when I'm typing I forget. Goddammit I suck. Anyways, seeing Tool in concert was definately one of the best days of my life. FAN FUCKING TASTIC show and I was with my wonderful friends at the time, who, due to unspoken circumstances at this point, are no longer my friends. Its a great memory, one that I will cherish forever.

The Most Wonderul Moments Of My Life....that I can remember

I've been feeling a tad bit depressed lately. Stress is a killer and I have A LOT, especially this time of year. I'm also sick, with something permanent, and its scaring the shit out of me. So today, I have decided to remember, as best as I can, the most wonderful moments I have experienced. This list is subject to change, so be aware. I have the shittiest memory known to man, so forgetting something important is inevitable during this process. Please bear with me. Oh, and this is in no particular order....just what first comes to mind.

The day my Hayden was born

The day my Alexander was born

The day I met Landon

The day I married Landon. It took me six and a half years and two children later to finally marry him. He is my soul mate, my one and only, my everything and I know this for sure. We've been through more than any couple should be allowed, and I still love him unconditionally, more than I ever imagined possible, and it gets better every single day

The day I put in my two weeks notice at Tomas Cook

The day I quit drinking, and today, because I am still sober. Almost 4 years.

The days that I spend at my mom and dad's with my brother, sisters, Nicole, Landon and my babes. Just laughing and playing and making fun of Betty. When Johnathan's in the mood to rough house with me, and there's turkey and my mom's stuffing and the best fucking pumkpin pie you will EVER have.

The day my dad told his family about his diagnoses of lymphoma. I know, it seems strange to have this as one of the best times, when it also one of the worst. It opened my eyes, and made me realize that you can NEVER think, "it won't happen to me". He was the LAST person I expected in my family to get sick, and he did. It helped me to express my emotions whenever I had the chance. To love who and what I love with never ending passion, and to hate the same way. You can't have love without hate!

The day Ezekiel was born. The closest thing to a nephew I have, or what looks to be, I will ever have.

Richard's wedding. I got to hang out with Rhonda, and meet Telysa, her daughter, for the first time in like 14 years, or however old she is

The day I got my tattoo

Today, because I am still so fortunate to have both of my beautiful, wonderful, perfect children and my beautiful, wonderful, perfect husband. I also have my closest, bestest friends, and my family, minus one. But, I am thankful, that even though I hate with every essence of my being, the fact that my Auntie has left me, no one else close to me has. I still have them.

Today I am at peace, for now

List

I like lists. They're a simple and quick way to get my point across. I also like to read lists. Same reason. PLUS, it makes a decent post when I really have nothing much else to say. I think it's good to hate things. It keeps a healthy balance. You can't have love without hate, and I have a lot of love, so naturally, should have a lot of hate. The only problem when expressing what I hate, is that I may be labeled as a "racist" or "closed minded." Whatever. I am allowed to hate and love whomever and whatever I want, so shut the fuck up.

Things I Hate....And Maybe Some Reasons Why, Depending On How I Am Feeling At That Particular Moment When I Type The Thing That I Hate:

1. China. Probably my most hated of all things. If you don't know why I hate China, try researching China. Then you'll understand....unless of course you are from China......no, even Chinese people hate China.

2. The Wayans brothers.

3. Porridge. Elch. I've tried it enough times, in enough different ways to know that I hate this goopy, shitty tasting mess of soggy oats. Who wants to eat soggy anything?

4. Yogurt Drinks. If I wanted to drink yogurt, I would let my cup of yogurt sit out for an hour, stir it around a bit, stick a straw in it and slurp.

5. Slutty girls. I know its obvious, but I just felt that I needed to add it to the list.

6. Death.

Twihard

Harry Potter is a juvenile franchise that has sucked in many people, young and old, over the last several years. I chose to NOT be part of this fan club, mainly thanks to my mother. I did however, watch the movies, and enjoy them, but never ever wanted to read the books. My mother is OBSESSED with Harry Potter. She talks about the characters as if they are her friends, and she's known them forever and was with them every step of the way as they grew into the young adults they are. When the Twilight frenzy started, I adamantly denied having anything to do with it. ANYTHING. No movie watching, no magazine reading, definitely no book reading. My sister in law, or, no, still sister in law.....fell victim to the Twilight frenzy, and I constantly made fun of her, until, she came home with a poster of Edward. Beautiful, beautiful Edward Cullen, or Robert Pattinson, who actually isn't that attractive as a mere human. Wizard, slightly attractive. Vampire, makes me feel like what I think menopause is going to feel like....hot, confused, lost, horny. What the hell is it about vampires that makes us girls get all crazy? I never really was into vampires and shit before this. And, to be honest, I still am not really into it. I started watching True Blood, but to be truthfully honest, it's actually a really good show, nothing to do with the vampires. Anyway, Twilight............I read the first book. I read it in a week. The fastest I ever read a book. I read New Moon right away, then Eclipse, then Breaking Dawn. And, I can't get enough of this shit. The movie Twilight is a terrible movie I know. Really really shitty. Very bad direction, not that great acting, not very well written, etc etc, BUT, for some stupid fucking reason, I've watched it more times than any other movie besides Toy Story and Mean Girls. I consider myself a sane, educated, and intellectual person, and pride myself in learning from my mother's mistakes. So why the hell is it that every time I turn around, I am becoming more and more like her????? Why the fuck have I become some spaced out retard high on Twi-crack? I can't watch enough interviews, look at enough pictures, watch enough trailers and teasers and read enough tabloids about these fuckers Kristen, Rob and Taylor. I even watched Much on Demand the other day. Much on Demand!!!!! Oh my god! And you always hear, that insane people don't know they're insane, so I need to ask, am I crazy? AM I? I just need to hear another intellectual, well educated, older than 25 year old is obsessed as much as I am, is excited as much as I am for New Moon. I need them to tell me that I'm okay, that I am not my mother, that I am not a Twihard, or Twimom (stupidest name ever), and tell me it's okay to like something so juvenile, because it makes me feel like a kid, and its okay to lose yourself in a world of fantasy every once in a while.............I'm okay. I'm not crazy.

My Everything

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take

Baby, when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away

I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts, I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark

Your hair all around me
Baby, you surround me
You touch every place in my heart

Oh, it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better

I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever

Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

I'm sorry, I know it's been a while. But, like I did mention previously....I hate November. I've been kind of distracted. Aside from my list of significant events, I'm also stressing about work, and getting Hayden's birthday party set up. I know, I should've had it done already. Shut up okay?? I know. I have been trying for many weeks to book a party where I can invite as many kids as Hayden wants, and it won't cost me a gazillion dollars. So I've been putting my trust in someone else to book a school gym, where the kids can play with balls, play musical chairs, play with those scooter things, maybe even some high jump mats, and then have pizza and cake. This someone else is TAKING FOREVER and I am afraid that I am going to have to give everyone two days notice, and then everyone is going to complain that I only gave them two days notice, but really people......is two days notice not enough???? I will be taking your kids away from you for like 3 hours on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, so what exactly do you have to complain about? Go shopping, go get a tan, go do whatever it is hip mothers do now a days. And if you have the argument of, "There wasn't enough time to get a present", shut the fuck up you asshole. It doesn't take you a WEEK to get a gift for a six year old boy. Go to Wal-Mart, buy a spiderman, then leave. WOW. 15 minutes. Or even better, a gift card. You don't even have to think for that one.

One a side note, November will be filled with lots of fucking and punching, and if you don't like it, stop reading until December 1st.

November

I HATE November. Halloween is over, my oldest son gets older, I spend a lot more money than at any other time of year, and I am reminded of the loved ones I have lost. Also, the further it gets into November, the closer it gets to Christmas. Christmas and I have a love/hate relationship. I love giving as much as I can give, but I never can give enough, and I HATE all the flamboyant bullshit draped in every hall of every building and I HATE all the happy joy joy Christmas movies about how Santa is real and the meaning of Christmas is love and blah blah blah. No I am not a Scrooge, I just think Christmas has gone way to far, and its not stopping until every corporate big wig is stuffed to the size of old Kris Kringle with money. Anyway, this isn't about Christmas, its about November.

List of significant events this month that I have to, sometimes unwillingly, pay attention to:

November 3rd - my oldest son's birthday. This year he will be turning the ripe old age of six. Please stop growing Hayden. Please don't become a snotty teenager and stop cuddling with me.

November 4th - Memorial of Jonathan Dyck. Passed away at 16 some 8 years ago.

November 9th - pediatrician appointment for Hayden. This time, I'll be told that my baby still has asthma, will probably continue to have it forever, and needs an MRI or whatever they do to find neurological issues. Woo.

November 11th - Remembrance Day

November 18th - Memorial for my Auntie Denise Ruth Toussiant. It will be 4 years. This sucks.

November 20th - Child tax. Another reminder of how I make too much money to get any support from the the government, yet not enough to live comfortably, so here's $20

November 22nd - Kristen's 27th birthday. Yet another reminder of how old I am getting.

November 23rd - Memorial of Brenda Exner. Fantastic boss. Passed away from some kind of cancer 2 years ago.

November 28th - Christmas party for Landon's work. Another reason for me to feel fat and self conscious, and, watch everyone enjoy their Christmas cheer while I remember that I'm sober, and will be for rest of my life. Woo again.