Self Righteous Suicide

So if you have suicidal thoughts, you're supposed to share them, yet when you do share them, you get judged. Especially when someone close to you very recently committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. I want to jump off a bridge yet I am a terrible person for saying so. How else am I supposed to make people aware of my feelings and receive the proper guidance and support without sharing my thoughts? Yes I have suicidal thoughts. Yes I want to fly. Yes I want more than nothing to escape the complicated stressful disaster that is my life but will I? NO. I will not ever ever ever ever ever do that. EVER.

A Letter

Dear Matthew Lars Oscienny,

Last night I had a fucked up dream. Which is normal for me. They don't usually make me think a whole lot because like I said, they're normal. This one was different though. I know that you will find it interesting, even humourous, so I thought I would share it with you. At least what I can remember.

There was a group of people, bad people. Maybe not bad as much as just misguided. They didn't like you. We were on a float, in a parade. You and I and several of our mutual friends and acquaintances. It was a parade for Godzilla (of all things). An awareness parade. It was dusk. This group was against the parade. Said it was against God. They wanted to poison you.
They ran towards us with the poison and I jumped up and yelled "NO!". Everything stopped. Everything went quiet. It was just you and me all of a sudden. I looked at you and I said to the group, "Kill me instead. Don't kill Matthew Lars Oscienny. He's too good to leave this world. Take me. I'm less than he. Take me." We looked into each others eyes and started to cry. It faded to black.

When I was explaining this dream to Landon, he said, "That's weird. But good. You sacrificed yourself to save the world." To save the world. Matt Oscienny you are not the world, but clearly in this dream you were to me. I miss you so much. It seems to come in waves these last 4 months. I will be so bad, so very very bad and then be fine. Now I'm bad again. You're in my line of sight everywhere I look but I can never see you. You're in my thoughts but I can never hear you. You're in my dreams but I can never touch you. In times like this I wonder how I am going to survive this loss of one of my best friends, one of the most important people I ever knew, one of my few true loves. And then I think about how difficult this is and realize how much harder its going to be when my family starts passing on. The older I get the scarier my life is. You're dying has destroyed my living. I can't even express how I feel accurately. Everything I say is an understatement. I miss you <--- understatement. I love you <--- understatement. I just want to hug you one more time and make sure you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I don't want to know that you're last days here were full of confusion and pain and sorrow. I want you to feel peace. <---understatement. I hope its better for you <---understatement.

I love you forever.
Casey Humenny

PS: Write back.

Ursula Is The Best Disney Villian of All Time...or Possibly Maleficent

Some music has spoken to me before, but never have I heard a song that I felt was written for me. This song should be called "Dear Casey". Now, I am sharing this with you because I am trying to tell you something that I am unable to say otherwise. Please try and read it carefully so you can better understand.

YOU ARE A TOURIST - DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow
Let it grow
And there's a burning in your heart
Don't be alarmed

(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a doubt in your mind
'Cos you think it all the time
Framin' rights into wrongs
Move along
Move along
When there's a doubt in your mind

When there's a burning in your heart
And you think it'll burst apart
Oh, there's nothing to fear
Save the tears
Save the tears

When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then, it's time to go
And you find your destination with so many different places to call home
Cos' when you find yourself a villain,
In the story you have written
It's plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions
Are in need of redemptions
Would you agree
If so, please show me
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)

When there's a burning in your heart,
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart, (This... Fire... Grows... High...)
(This... Fire... Grows... High...)
When there's a burning in your heart.

Happy Friday The 13th

Hey there! Just wanted to do a quick post letting you know a little bit of how these last four days have been for me. As you're aware, I've been having quite the stressful time, and learning of yet ANOTHER death today, haven't been able to handle it that well. So I took some time, coincidentally right around my birthday/anniversary, to make a trip to Edmonton to see two of my loves: System of a Down and Brittany Lee. I was lucky enough to meet the delightful Kate East (I love her name) and spend some alone time with my wonderful husband. We spent several hours in the mall (duh), wandering aimlessly throughout the city, getting lost in Sherwood Park, getting scared downtown, sciencing in the science centre, eating at Olive Garden and Taco Bell, and generally enjoying myself. I missed the SHIT out of my children, my sister, and my coworkers but still had an incredible time away. It was much needed. I felt calm 95% of the time, which is a HUGE difference for me. I know its Edmonton...a huge and confusing and BUSY as hell city but with Brittany, beer, Landon, Wal-Mart and a jacuzzi tub, I wouldn't have asked for anything better. I highly recommend the Mindbender the next time you're in town, as well as the 25 cent peep show on Jasper Avenue. Good times.

PS: I am 28 years old today.

SERIOUSLY!!!

Someday...maybe, I will feel normal again. Someday I will not hurt and be angry all the goddamn time. Someday I will not be a total nut case and a total bitch. Someday I will be honest with myself. Someday I will stop running away. Someday I will face my demons....and die. That's my someday. Death. Woo. Yay for mental illnesses.

Gettin Crazy With The Cheese Whiz

So as I sit here, listening to Beck and watching a muted Law and Order SVU, I think about why. I don't like thinking about why. Its extremely frustrating. Frustration is something I cannot cope with very well. Well I can't really cope with anything "well", but frustration has got to be one of the most difficult ones for sure. Why does my dad have cancer? Why do I have two healthy and intelligent sons? Why am I married? Why am I unhappy? Why do I draw so many different kinds of people towards myself? Why did Matt kill himself? Why am I becoming more and more interested in a romantic affair with a woman? Why don't I believe in God anymore? Why do I like Justin Bieber? Why do I care about people who don't care about me? Why am I so naive? Why do I want to wear dresses and curl my hair and buy pretty shoes? Why do I want to run away and never come back? Why can't I just focus on the love and goodness? Why am I here? What EXACTLY is my purpose? I need to stop rambling.

Bitch

I'm a total fucking bitch. I'm an asshole. I ignore you, avoid you, insult you, lie to you, betray you, and every other evil thing I can think of. I'm a terrible and lazy mother. I deserve nothing from anyone aside from disrespect and hate. I pretend to love you. I pretend to know what I'm talking about so you'll respect me. I pretend to be a bad ass so you'll fear me. I pretend to be nice so you'll love me. I do all these things so that when I run away, or when I die, you'll hurt. You'll be in so much pain and feel so much loss for the greatness that was me. You'll cry and you'll mourn and you'll write and you'll think. You'll think and think and think and start to learn of all the lies and all the horrible shit I did behind your back. You'll start to realize that I was hypocritical and dishonest. Everything you learned from me was wrong. You'll second guess yourself and what I have lead you to become. You'll second guess everything you believe and everything you stand for. You'll go crazy and start doing drugs and destroying yourself. All before you graduate from high school. You'll lose all your friends and you'll lose all your family, just because your mother was an asshole. Just because she fucked you up in ways only you and your brother will know. I will not apologize for what I have done to you because that would mean that I feel I could have done something different. I cannot do different. I was born an atheist, selfish, pessimistic, ignorant asshole and I'll die that way. If you ever survive the trauma that I have caused, and decide to forgive me, I will be forever grateful. I should have provided you with a better life when I had the chance.