Terrific Tuesdays

I'm going to steal something from Sarah, but change it ever so slightly, from Wonderful Wednesdays, to Terrific Tuesdays. Today I will name a few things that make me feel terrific, and maybe put some pictures up. I haven't put any up yet, because I like this blog to be less like Facebook, and more like a journal....but every good journal has pictures in it, so maybe only on Tuesdays.

Hayden is starting soccer today. This is terrific because Landon and I have been concerned that him living in an apartment has caused him to become a little more overweight that we like. He's like a crocodile. In captivity, he grows larger than he would in the wild. We try to feed him healthily, and give him plenty of exercise, but its not always easy when you're busy doing things, and don't have time to go with him to the park, or for a bike ride. Thankfully in school he gets to play and have gym class and all that, and his doctor isn't really concerned right now, but it would still make me more comfortable to have a backyard that he can go play in at anytime. Soccer will be fun. Sure he'll be the tallest and heaviest kid there, but not the slowest.

Alexander is growing too fast. This is terrific because he's growing! Plain and simple. My little baby is becoming a toddler fast. Part of me hates this, and wants him to stay a baby forever, but part of me is anxious to see what kind of person he's going to be, what his first words are going to be, how many things he'll break before he turns two... It also pushes me to work harder for a house. The bigger they get, the less room I have in this place.

Landon and I are happy. This is terrific because we didn't start out happy. Six years and two boys later we're happier and more in love than anyone else in the world. I really believe that. We've been through so much together that for us not to be happy would be ridiculous. Its about time!

Delicious, delicious coffee. Terrific because its coffee. One day I might indulge on those really expensive beans that come out of a monkey's bum somewhere in Africa. I hear they're the best beans in the entire world.

Lucidity

A lucid dream, also known as conscious dream, is a dream in which the sleeper is aware that they are dreaming. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.

A lucid dream can begin in one of three ways. A dream-initiated lucid dream (DILD) starts as a normal dream, and the dreamer eventually concludes that they are dreaming, while a wake-initiated lucid dream (WILD) occurs when the dreamer goes from a normal waking state directly into a dream state with no apparent lapse in consciousness. A mnemonic initiated lucid dream (MILD) can happen when the dreamer intentionally affirms him/herself that they will become lucid that night. This can sometimes happen due to dream-signs or spontaneously upon remembrance.

I dream almost every time I fall asleep. At least 98% of the time. They are usually very vivid and very memorable. I have recurring dreams that have been haunting me since my childhood. My mother has always said it is because of my wild imagination, but that has long since departed, and my dreams are becoming more real, so that doesn't make any sense. I started having lucid dreams a few years ago, and I had no idea what was happening to me. I never told anyone about it because I was afraid I would sound crazy. I had never heard of anything like that happening to anyone, unless they were crazy. I soon figured out that the dreams were induced by withdrawals from the medicine I was taking, Effexor. If I didn't take it for a day or two, I would have scary real dreams all night long. I used to make Landon wake me up every ten minutes so I could have some relief. When I fell back asleep, it would happen again. It seemed like there was nothing I could do. I tried to wake myself up by screaming or shaking wildly or pushing and hitting Landon but it was impossible. I finally talked to someone about it at work when I heard them telling someone else about his lucid dreams. I listened to his voice as he told the stories. He was so excited talking about it. You could tell he loved them, the complete opposite of my feelings. So I entered the conversation and since then it has pretty much changed my life. If you've never had a lucid dream, I highly suggest it. You can do anything you want in a lucid dream, even fly. Sean, the lucid lover, told me that at first, he was scared, but soon figured out that he could somewhat control what was going on, so he decided one day that he was going to try to fly. He ran down the road and jumped as high and as long as he could and he sort of floated along for a bit. It was exhilarating he said. He had never felt anything like that before in his life. So I decided I would try it. At first, it was weird. It seemed impossible. Sean insisted that it was, but I wasn't sure. When you're having a lucid dream, everything seems so real, its hard to distinguish dreams from reality. Very hard. And once you wake up, its still hard to realize you're awake. Lucid dreams are so real that you remember them as if they really happened, so I can almost say that I have flown. I ran and jumped off a building and one night and flew, or more glided to the ground, slowly and gracefully, like a pelican. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.

My lucid dreams as of late are very scary though, and I'm having a hard time trying to calm myself down while in them. The fear overwhelms me and I spend most of the dream just trying to wake myself up. I still wouldn't ever give this up. Its fantastic and I love it. I think its made my normal dreams more vivid, if that was even possible. The only problem I do have now, is that its really difficult for me to understand my memories. I never know if they really happened or not. I remember things like riding to the store on my little big wheels tricycle and getting Corn Flakes, which later turned out to be poisoned and everyone died. I remember having a best friend who was an android who was walking me home one time in the rain, and sacrificed herself to keep me dry by giving me her raincoat. I remember getting bitten by a cobra when I was 4 in my neighbour's backyard, being chased around a dark and smokey room full of mirrors by a man with red eyes, being chased into a little village in the middle of a forest by a giant that looked like Graeme Klassen, being cut, stabbed, drawn and quartered, raped and tortured in various other ways. I remember watching my family die by my own hands, them dying by someone else's hands, my father bathing my legless sister head first over the side of the bathtub and much much more. I remember these all as if they really happened. Clear as day. I wonder why I get gifted with such vivid dreams, and they're sick and twisted 75% of the time. I've had a lot of wonderful dreams, but mostly sick and twisted, or, full of adultery and sex. *sigh*

If You Believe In Dreams

I'm not very good at updating my blog as quickly as I should but this time, I have a good reason. I finally got married. Fucking 6 years of courtship with 3 and half years of engagement and we FINALLY tied the knot. You'd think after the kind of relationship we have, that things haven't changed much since Wednesday May 13th 2009 but oh they have. We're both content, comfortable, happy of course, and relieved. Its been a long process, to get where we are now, but all I can say is, its worth it. Late 2007 we decided to either plan a wedding, or have a baby, and we decided on a baby. I am so glad we did. Alexander is perfect and came at the utmost of perfect times. I got to share one of the happiest days in my life with the two most important people in my life. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Drugs

I started smoking when I was 17. I was dating a bad ass boy who I let influence me into doing naughty things, just because I felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I thought that if I started smoking, his friends would accept me and leave us alone. I was REALLY straight edge when I started dating him. Pure virgin. I had only french kissed one person before him and that a pretty big deal to me at the time, so when he tried to get me to loosen up a little, I was a hesitant. After a little bit though, I did relax. I started smoking so that I could fit in with his peeps and of course, my friends hated me for it. I did stick to everything else I believed in though. No drinking, no drugs, and absolutely no sex before marriage. The relationship only lasted a couple weeks because he was, too bad ass for me. He did something very bad on New Year's Eve when he was out partying and of course, I was at home. I think I loved him. I know he loved me. I could see it in his eyes. Plus he told me a couple years ago. He begged me to leave Landon and run away with him. Pfff. Could you imagine what my life would be like right now if I had forgiven him for the Slut? Hahahahaha man I would be a wreck. I eventually got over him, sort of, and
started dating another boy. He was NOT bad ass, but, not quite straight edge. He didn't influence me to do anything I didn't want to do, but within a few months, I was smoking, drinking, sexing and drugging. Looking back, I can't understand why in only a matter of a few months, I dropped all my morals for someone who didn't even care. Looking back on it now though, I am thankful that I waited until I was 18 to start being a teenager. If I had started earlier, I would not be a pretty picture today, and I don't think I would have kept Kristen and Amanda. They didn't like my drastic change to the dark side. I had always been a "mother" figure to them. "Don't do that" "it's bad for you", "its a sin" and blah blah blah. I am waaaaaaay different than I was back then. Its funny how in a matter of only a few years, I went from being super straight, to the lowest I could go, to normal. Just plain normal. Happy. I needed to quit drinking of course, but I kept smoking, kept sexing, and kept drugging. Marijuana only. And NEVER near my kids. I've started and quit smoking too many times and wonder one day if I will beat it. If I will quit for more than a year. Part of me doesn't want to, but I know that I should. I don't want to end up like my sick parents and make my kids have to watch me die right in front of them. Why is it that smoking is okay? Drinking is okay? And yet marijuana is not? I smoke marijuana and am a huge advocate for its legalization. And all drugs for that matter. Prostitution as well. It would solve so many problems. Less crime, less death, less access for children, less young girls out on the streets. I hope that my kids aren't as naive as I was growing up. Its hard to ingest all the information I have in only a few short years. I was crazy christian and so goodie two shoes its embarrassing to think about it now. My parents were fantastic though, don't get me wrong, I couldn't have any better, but they didn't educate me on the way of the world. I can't wait until my kids are old enough to learn things like that. I'm going to teach them everything I know and encourage them to explore more on their own. That will hopefully lead them in the right direction. The last thing I want is for my 15 year old son to be drinking, smoking and having sex. I DO NOT want to be a grandmother at 35. I can't force them however, to be what I want them to be, but I will do my darnedest to make sure they're smart, and not influenced by bad girls. Smoke weed children if you must do something, but try and wait until you're in like, grade 11, and on a weekend. A long weekend. And NO SEX! Or drinking. Or smoking. Love you :)

Love

There are so many things I want to type about. But I can only type for so long before my hands cramp up. But today I am going to talk about two things. Weddings, and parents. I have been keeping a secret from the general public for about a month now, but feel that I can safely let it out here. Most of the people reading it don't know who I am, and those of you who do, I don't care if you know, or, you might already know. I am getting married on May 13th....my birthday! I am SO nervous and SO excited, but at the same time, really collected. I'm just letting things fall together and as the date gets closer, I just keep double checking everything. The only thing I'm nervous about, is that I won't be completely ready. Emotionally I'm all good. Being engaged to the most wonderful man on the planet(aside from my father) for three years has given me some time to really learn if I want this or not. I'm just worried, because I am THE BIGGEST procrastinator in the world, whether or not I am forgetting anything, or putting anything important off. I don't believe I am, but there's always something. Oh I feel better. I told the world! Yay! I can't wait to the pictures up on Facebook of me getting married, and change my name so everyone will know and everyone will be like, "WTF! Why wasn't I invited??? Why didn't I know?" Because you're just not that important to me. Well that's a lie. A lot of you are very important to me. Not all, but a lot. The one's reading this blog are, and that is why you know! But most everyone else, not so much.

Alright now, Parents/parenting/parenthood etc. It breaks my fucking heart every goddamn day. I HATE living in an apartment. There are bonuses, but nothing can compensate for the heartbreak I endure everyday. Poor poor children being abused by their parents. I can't comprehend why anyone would want to hurt a child, ESPECIALLY their OWN child. There is a mother and two children who live on the basement floor of my building and EVERY single time I see them(no exaggeration) she is yelling or snapping at her children, calling them names, degrading them, and doing everything she possibly can to demean them aside from physically hurting them. I imagine she does behind close doors, but really who knows. I always see those poor kids taking out the garbage all alone, barely big enough to reach the opening of the dumpster, and doing other random completely unchildhood like things.
How can a mother treat her children like that? I have never heard the slightest bit of love in her voice when she talks to them. Its so sad. I want so much to hug them and tell them I love them, tell them to hang in there, soon you can leave and it will all be over, you won't ever have to see her again. Run away the day you turn 14. Things will be better! Come live with me I LOVE YOU. I saw a mother from one of the other buildings yelling at her daughter, couldn't be any older than 6, while the poor thing balled her eyes out. In the middle of the parking lot! "Fucking shut up you little shit" "I told you to shut the fuck up" "you're such a fucking baby" "God I hate you" I hate you. I'm almost crying right now replaying that situation in my mind. That poor sweet little angel, being treated like dirt. I want to hug her and hold her forever and tell her everything will be okay, and that somebody loves her. I love her. I love her, and the other two, and every other child I see being abused. I COULD NEVER treat my child like. NEVER call them names, NEVER swear at them. I personally have a foul mouth, when I don't censor it for the sake of other people of course, but no matter how much poop is smeared on the walls, no matter how many priceless things have been flushed down the toilet, no matter how many times he says, "I don't love you", no matter how many times he disturbs everything he possibly can, I WILL NEVER let my child believe, for one second, that I don't love him. Those poor poor babies, who have to live with that feeling, that doubt that their parents love them, its so unfair. Its so traumatic. I wish I could say something, but it wouldn't help. It would make it worse. I wish I could tell those children I loved them, but it wouldn't help. I wish I could help.

s.m.r.t, I mean s.m.A.r.t.

I love to read. I never know what to read though. I am very uneducated in the way of the novel, and don't know what's what when I walk into a book store. I've only read a handful of books but I can safely say that my favourite is and always will be Requiem for a Dream. I like books that are raw, and inspiring. Or disturbing. Like, The Lovely Bones. Great book, very disturbing. But in the last year or so, I haven't found anything that has peaked my interest. I've tried to start reading Lord of The Flies but just couldn't do it. I had never read it, but heard stories about it, and once I started getting closer to the parts I had heard about, I put it down. I've tried reading classics, like Moby Dick, or The Grapes of Wrath, but got bored in the first three pages and stopped. I've tried reading books that no one's ever heard of, like Ham on Rye, or Run Baby Run, but again, got bored...or in the case of Run Baby Run, pissed off at the author. I've tried reading popular books like Angela's Ashes or The Da Vinci Code(I did finish that one), but AGAIN, got bored. The only books that ever seemed to keep me entertained, were about drugs, or killing. A Million Little Pieces, Darkly Dreaming Dexter, Last Exit To Brooklyn, etc.....until now. Fucking Twilight has caught my eyes. I cursed that series for a long long time, just like I cursed Harry Potter or any other juvenile nonsense that found its way into grown up hearts. My mother, has fallen victim to the Harry Potter nonsense........I should be fair, I do watch the movies and do, *cough* love them. But I DO NOT read children's books. Fucking Twilight. I can't stop. I must know how it ends. I must know what happens to poor little Bella and her handsome knight Edward. I desperately need something after this to make me feel better. And A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, WILL NOT help.

Outlet

Many of my friends have been pushing me and encouraging me to start a blog, so now, after thinking about it for a long time, I have done so. I'm not sure what to write about exactly, or how often I will write, but I do know that it will be good for me. I have needed something like this for a long time. I have written notes on Facebook before and I like that because all my "friends" get to see them and leave comments and such...which is the only issue I have with starting a blog. I need constant criticism and comments on what I write, I need to know that I am inspiring someone, or that I am interesting someone, or that I'm hopefully not just wasting my time. I don't want everyone to know that I have started a blog, because that's what they'll be expecting, and I don't like doing what people expect me to do. I like to be spontaneous, although I rarely am anymore.....not that I'm complaining, I LOVE my children and soon-to-be-husband very much and would never trade them for ANYTHING ever in the entire world, but sometimes I do think about to my single childless days, and wonder if I hadn't started my family at such a young age, where I would be right now.......but that's a different blog for a different day. This is an introductory blog, something that will make people wanting more, without giving away too much. How do I do that? Like this: