I have had the most emotional rollercoaster of a trimester recently (no I'm not pregnant, I just couldn't think of any other way to make "three months" one word). Stress beyond stress, and surely, soon, I will explode. Today I learned of something that will surely end up being my point of rupture. I really and truly, know myself well enough, to know that I should not, under any circumstances, be left alone for more than 2 minutes at a time. I will end up hurting someone, or something, that really doesn't deserve it. I have to be extremely careful about what I am saying, so I don't cause more problems that there already are, so sorry if I am being extremely vague.
I was driving down the freeway, going as fast as I comfortably could, with my Jambi as loud as it would go without destroying my factory speakers, trying to force myself to focus on things like driving, red lights, hidden police, and sweet sweet tunes. I fortunately made it home safe and sound, and I started to think, "am I ever going to have some time to properly deal with the stress that has been slowly engulfing my life? What is going to happen to me if I continue to ignore these things and live as if everyday is a fresh start? Am I going to end up as crazy as my mother? Yes." So I need a vacation. I need someone else's home, for three days. I can't be alone, like I mentioned earlier, but I cannot be here, anymore. With you, and you, and everyone else that I see every single goddamn day. I cannot hear, "Dear please do this, Dear please do that, Mommy can I do this, Mommy can I do that, Casey-Lynn I need your help, Casey-Lynn I need your support....." for one more day, without holding my breath, pretending that I am fine, when really my soul is screaming and weeping and breaking inside of me. I just want to fall, from a really high place, for hours, feeling as free as can possibly be. I just want to run away and never come back to the disaster that is my life. I love you, and I would die for you, but I cannot be a rock for you anymore.
I went to the doctor, because I knew there was something wrong with me.
"What can I do for you today?"
"I would like you to check me for lung cancer"
"Okay.....why do you think you have lung cancer?"
"Because I cough 24/7, I never feel like I have enough air, I am constantly wheezing, I get horrible back spasms and head aches and chest pains and my air ways feel clogged and I am always out of breath. And I cannot sit here thinking that it isn't going to happen to me, because it can, and it probably will"
"You're absolutely right, it can happen to you, its in your family"
"So check me, now"
"I will send you for a chest x-ray, and I will take a look at you right now. Hmmm yes, very wheezy, definitely something wrong here.......................
I think you have Asthma, here are some inhalers. Try them out. In the meantime, make sure you get that x-ray"
"Fantastic."
At least I don't have C.O.P.D. At least with cigarette-induced-asthma, I can quit smoking and everything will get better. Can I quit smoking though? No, probably not. I haven't gone for that x-ray, and I most likely won't, because the inhalers are not working.
Saturday
I Am Aware, Thank You
Well, it has been some time. Thanks the unreliable technology that is a PC, I haven't been able to write recently. This is unfortunate because I REALLY had some things that I needed to get off my chest, but right now, I am not in a state of mind to think back, and put myself in that situation again, and if I try, my writing will suck. So, I am going to let my fingers whisk away at the keyboard and hope something substantial comes out.
First off, before we get started, I love you. I love you more than you could possibly imagine. Thank you for being in my life.
Alright, so my 27th birthday has come and gone. My 1st wedding anniversary has come and gone. I planned to write something amazing and loving and beautiful about my husband on May 13th but things were just not working out as planned...so, next year. My birthday was incredible. I received so much love, and so much unexpected kindness from everyone that it was hard for me to be in a bad mood. My anniversary was nice. Not perfect, as my babysitter decided to cancel at the last second, forcing Landon and I to scramble to find someone....luckily my sister watched my babes for a few hours so we could cruise around in a Camaro and eat delicious Italian cuisine. (Belissimo people, amazing) Thank you eternally Beedy.
As you know, my dear, beloved Opa passed away recently and for some reason, I cannot seem to get over it. It is on my mind almost every second of the day, the fact that I will never again see him. We went to his house this last weekend, to start cleaning it out, and I was so incredibly fortunate, to be able to go through his clothes and end up finding the last pair of pants he ever wore. Stuffed in the pockets were an inhaler, a hanky, and some monies, complete with money clip. When I called my mom from the kitchen, to ask her what to do with this, she came, saw the clip, and started crying for the umpteenth time in 3 and a half weeks. It is difficult for me to comprehend fully, what she is going through. In order to do so, I would have to put myself in her shoes, and I can't mentally handle that. No matter how old he was, he was still her Daddy. She has no one left now. No Daddy, no Mommy, no twin Sister. If I was her right now, I would not be alive.
Time for a separate post.
First off, before we get started, I love you. I love you more than you could possibly imagine. Thank you for being in my life.
Alright, so my 27th birthday has come and gone. My 1st wedding anniversary has come and gone. I planned to write something amazing and loving and beautiful about my husband on May 13th but things were just not working out as planned...so, next year. My birthday was incredible. I received so much love, and so much unexpected kindness from everyone that it was hard for me to be in a bad mood. My anniversary was nice. Not perfect, as my babysitter decided to cancel at the last second, forcing Landon and I to scramble to find someone....luckily my sister watched my babes for a few hours so we could cruise around in a Camaro and eat delicious Italian cuisine. (Belissimo people, amazing) Thank you eternally Beedy.
As you know, my dear, beloved Opa passed away recently and for some reason, I cannot seem to get over it. It is on my mind almost every second of the day, the fact that I will never again see him. We went to his house this last weekend, to start cleaning it out, and I was so incredibly fortunate, to be able to go through his clothes and end up finding the last pair of pants he ever wore. Stuffed in the pockets were an inhaler, a hanky, and some monies, complete with money clip. When I called my mom from the kitchen, to ask her what to do with this, she came, saw the clip, and started crying for the umpteenth time in 3 and a half weeks. It is difficult for me to comprehend fully, what she is going through. In order to do so, I would have to put myself in her shoes, and I can't mentally handle that. No matter how old he was, he was still her Daddy. She has no one left now. No Daddy, no Mommy, no twin Sister. If I was her right now, I would not be alive.
Time for a separate post.
Thursday
Good Times
WELL. Its been one year since I started my masterpiece of a blog. Well, one year and a couple days. Honestly, I don't know how I got along without it before. So much shit has happened this last year, that I am more than grateful to have my rantings and ravings out on the internet for the rest of eternity, for me look back on some day.
Since the recent passing of my beloved Opa, I have not been myself. I am definitely not, and will never be, the person I was before he died. A lot of emotions are plaguing me lately, but the worst one, is the feeling of guilt, or something similar, because I never truly realized how important he was to me, and I will never be able to make sure that he knows that. I miss him like crazy and the mix of surreal and real is fucking me up big time.
I had much needed reconnection with one of my best friends last night. It was fantastic. We hadn't spoken to each other in over a year, for reasons that I don't feel are necessary to explain right now. She is due to have her first baby in 6 weeks, so the timing for us to re-establish our relationship could not have been more perfect.
That's all I can do for now. Remember, I love you
Since the recent passing of my beloved Opa, I have not been myself. I am definitely not, and will never be, the person I was before he died. A lot of emotions are plaguing me lately, but the worst one, is the feeling of guilt, or something similar, because I never truly realized how important he was to me, and I will never be able to make sure that he knows that. I miss him like crazy and the mix of surreal and real is fucking me up big time.
I had much needed reconnection with one of my best friends last night. It was fantastic. We hadn't spoken to each other in over a year, for reasons that I don't feel are necessary to explain right now. She is due to have her first baby in 6 weeks, so the timing for us to re-establish our relationship could not have been more perfect.
That's all I can do for now. Remember, I love you
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