Time For A Story

I have had the most emotional rollercoaster of a trimester recently (no I'm not pregnant, I just couldn't think of any other way to make "three months" one word). Stress beyond stress, and surely, soon, I will explode. Today I learned of something that will surely end up being my point of rupture. I really and truly, know myself well enough, to know that I should not, under any circumstances, be left alone for more than 2 minutes at a time. I will end up hurting someone, or something, that really doesn't deserve it. I have to be extremely careful about what I am saying, so I don't cause more problems that there already are, so sorry if I am being extremely vague.

I was driving down the freeway, going as fast as I comfortably could, with my Jambi as loud as it would go without destroying my factory speakers, trying to force myself to focus on things like driving, red lights, hidden police, and sweet sweet tunes. I fortunately made it home safe and sound, and I started to think, "am I ever going to have some time to properly deal with the stress that has been slowly engulfing my life? What is going to happen to me if I continue to ignore these things and live as if everyday is a fresh start? Am I going to end up as crazy as my mother? Yes." So I need a vacation. I need someone else's home, for three days. I can't be alone, like I mentioned earlier, but I cannot be here, anymore. With you, and you, and everyone else that I see every single goddamn day. I cannot hear, "Dear please do this, Dear please do that, Mommy can I do this, Mommy can I do that, Casey-Lynn I need your help, Casey-Lynn I need your support....." for one more day, without holding my breath, pretending that I am fine, when really my soul is screaming and weeping and breaking inside of me. I just want to fall, from a really high place, for hours, feeling as free as can possibly be. I just want to run away and never come back to the disaster that is my life. I love you, and I would die for you, but I cannot be a rock for you anymore.

I went to the doctor, because I knew there was something wrong with me.
"What can I do for you today?"
"I would like you to check me for lung cancer"
"Okay.....why do you think you have lung cancer?"
"Because I cough 24/7, I never feel like I have enough air, I am constantly wheezing, I get horrible back spasms and head aches and chest pains and my air ways feel clogged and I am always out of breath. And I cannot sit here thinking that it isn't going to happen to me, because it can, and it probably will"
"You're absolutely right, it can happen to you, its in your family"
"So check me, now"
"I will send you for a chest x-ray, and I will take a look at you right now. Hmmm yes, very wheezy, definitely something wrong here.......................
I think you have Asthma, here are some inhalers. Try them out. In the meantime, make sure you get that x-ray"
"Fantastic."

At least I don't have C.O.P.D. At least with cigarette-induced-asthma, I can quit smoking and everything will get better. Can I quit smoking though? No, probably not. I haven't gone for that x-ray, and I most likely won't, because the inhalers are not working.