You Fucker

I have decided that it is time to write something. I haven't been talking much lately and therefore haven't expressed myself and the need to do so is starting to overwhelm my every thought. Nicole lately has been my rock and my source of everything I need. I know that I have very wonderful, very perfect others in my life, but Nicole has something that I can't quite explain. Maybe time, maybe listening skills, maybe just the right words, maybe the jokes, maybe the hugs and the I love yous. I get those from others but Nicole has it all, every day. Thank you. I love you more than you could ever understand.

Today I am heartbroken and depressed. I am missing a part of myself that I believe I will never get back. Everyone keeps saying that he's up in Heaven, dancing away with his dead daughters and wife, and that I should be happy for him. Well I am not happy and I will not be. Its not that I refuse to be, its that I can't be. I've tried, but it doesn't work. I'm selfish and I'm pissed off and I just want him to come back. I don't want to hear things typically said to someone experiencing grief. I want you to say, "this fucking blows!" Because it does fucking blow. I was not ready for him to leave.

I've written about this before, not on here, but somewhere else I can't remember....preparation for death. Growing up with someone who constantly danced inches away from the Grim Reaper, taught me to always prepare for the worst, so I was never surprised. I've imagined scenarios of when my loved ones pass, how I will react, how I will feel, how others will feel, what I will say, what I will write about in their eulogy... Every last detail so that I will not be surprised, so I will not have to feel how I feel today. I did not prepare for this one. Yes he was 80, yes he lived a fantastic life, yes he did everything he wanted to and then some, and yes he was sicker than hell and medically probably shouldn't have even lasted this long but I was convinced that it was not his time. I am still convinced that it was not his time. I love my Opa and he meant a lot to me. For him to be ripped from my life in an instant has brought to a mental state that I've never experienced, and I'm really not sure if I will ever be back to myself. When he left, he took a part of me, and I will never get that back. When my Auntie died, it hurt, but I was prepared. I was ready. She didn't take as big of a piece of my heart as my Opa did. My Opa had a relationship with me like no one else. He was a very respectable man and everyone around him knew that. I was the only one who could get away with treating him like I did, because he knew it was out of love. I was very proud, and liked to show it off often, how I could make fun of him, and my mother's mouth would drop, and my Opa's eyes would twinkle. He never once looked at me without a smile. He never once went a conversation without telling me he loved me. He never once made me feel like I was any less important than his own daughters. He was the greatest grandfather I could ever has asked for and NOW HE IS GONE! I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN! I WILL NEVER HAVE HIM BACK. I WILL NEVER HEAR HIM SAY I LOVE YOU TOO DEAR IN HIS GERMAN ACCENT AND I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE ABLE TO HUG HIM AGAIN! I don't want to stop crying and I don't want to ever forget him.

I hope everyone I know dies before me so the people I love will never have to feel this pain.

I love you

fuck you

Hello And Welcome To McAfee Sales Support. Please Let Me Review What You Have Entered.

Hi! How are you? Busy I assume. It seems everyone has been busy lately. Spring time makes people crazy. Children are sick, people are cleaning, parents are covered in shit and vomit and everyone's stressed to the max. I am no exception. My baby Hayden was only sick for a day THANK GOODNESS! but my baby Alex was throwing up and diarreahing multiple times a day for 6 days straight. No fever, no cough, great attitude, just some rank stomach virus that would not leave. One Saturday night after Alex fell asleep, Landon and I danced and cheered for the first upchuck free day in a week.

I knew that this feeling would come eventually. I dreaded it when I started working again. I miss my kids. Mostly Hayden. I see him for maybe an hour a day if I'm lucky. At least when I was working 5-9 I could watch him play at recess and technically "see" him more than I do now. I work 1:30 - 9:30 now but I'm usually napping during Hayden's first recess, and leaving the house just before his lunch recess. I fucking hate it. I miss him so much. I hate being this mom. I hate how it doesn't even seem worth my while because I'm only making $4 more an hour than I'm paying for daycare. Not to mention the gas and the fucking parking. Why exactly do I have to pay for parking downtown??? Can I write it off on my taxes because the only fucking reason I'm downtown is for work. Why doesn't Boardwalk want me? Why don't I have more ambition to get a better job? Because I actually like MarketLinc. I love the people (except one) and I love my job. But I don't make enough money, and I don't work the right hours. I want to be home when Hayden comes home from school. I want to have dinner ready when Landon gets home from work. I want to live in a house with a yard and a dog. Usually if I'm stressed because of the employment issues, I can counter it with "it'll all get better soon" but I really don't think that's true. I can't wait for daytime forever. I can't even have daytime until my results are better than the other rep on the list and that's never gonna happen. My results should be fantastic but there are too many factors I'm letting affect my job that my results suck fucking ass. Its no one's fault but my own and I wish my bosses would look past that and see that I deserve it, and that I need it. I mentioned earlier that I was offered a promotion and took it but since then, nothing has happened. No training, no title, no pay increase. I'm excited for what seems to be nothing. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want what I deserve and I want it now.

I'm going horseback riding with my sister in law today (whom I love more than life itself) and hopefully that should ease my stressful mind for a few hours until I come home and Landon tells me we have no money and the house needs to be cleaned. Just like every other time we're together. That's all everything is between us lately, and I'm being made to believe its all my fault, which I don't doubt, but that feeling just adds to all this other negativity and it sucks fucking ass.

I love my kids, and I love my husband, and I miss them crazy. I hope this stops soon because I really need a normal fucking week!

I Don't Want To Quit Smoking

KAY so I'm a terrible blogger. I don't care. I do care. I'm sorry. I really want to watch True Blood and I really want to listen to an audio book read by Michael C Hall. Any book. I keep having these really fucked up dreams where I marry my sister in law who looks like Candace Janzen or I hang out with John Cusack or I just run and run and run and run and run and don't stop fucking running. I have my licence and I drive myself to work and back and I HATE it. I hate being alone. I never see Landon anymore. I went to Wal-Mart today and spent $60 fucking dollars on EASTER SHIT. CANDY CANDY CANDY CANDY. The hotter and windier it gets the more terrified I become. I'm obsessed with Vampire Weekend. I don't make enough money so I applied at Boardwalk. Something I need my license to do. Something I've been dreaming of doing since I first rented from Boardwalk. They haven't called me back. MarketLinc offered me a promotion. I took it. I still don't make enough money. I don't see my parents enough. I don't see my brother enough. I don't see April-Lee enough. I see Betty enough, but she disappoints me so much. I don't spend enough whole family time with Landon and the kids. I wonder what it would be like to hear nothing. To hear real silence. Not a heart beat, not a breath, not an inner gut sound. Not an anything. I wonder what it would be like to have an empty mind. I wonder if fish in fish tanks are happy. I want to eat more naturally. I want to cook more. I want to go to school. I want to be a chef. I want learn to paint. I want to learn to knit. Learn to play the piano. Learn to take apart a car engine and put it all back together again. I would love to sleep for days. To just lay there and imagine life. Live exactly how I would want to. Be stress free.

As I was leaving my apartment the other day I walked by the mailboxes and there was a sticker from the Canada Post for a parcel....for a Ms D Toussaint. I stared at it for what seemed like an eternity.