You....fuck off.

Dear Alcohol,

I am finding it very hard to ignore you these days. With the stress and the unusual amount of drunks in my life, all I want to do is give in to your temptations. I know logically that I shouldn't, but have you heard the phrase, "Follow your heart"? If I try and apply that phrase to this situation, then grabbing a nice cold Boh and guzzling the shit out of it would seem, obviously, like the right thing to do.

I have found myself wondering if maybe getting back together with you wouldn't be that harmful. After all, I am a lot more mature than the last time we hooked up. I'm a lot more self-aware and know my limits with everything else I indulge in. The only thing holding me back from letting you back in my life is my marriage. My husband thinks that you and I don't belong together. I understand where he's coming from but come on...lighten up! At least let me try it out. We can all live happily together, I'm sure of it! We just need to give it a chance. Maybe if I just start seeing you on the side, and bring you in slowly, little by little...... No, that won't work.

Ugh, Alcohol, you know I love you but I gotta be real with myself. It will never happen between us again. I just have to admit that. Maybe you should just not contact me anymore. Then I'll find it easier to let go of you.

Take care.

Casey

Super Babies!

As of this very moment I am freaking out and having a very hard time coming to grips with the fact that my children are growing. In exactly 6 days Hayden will be in Grade 2. I don't like this. Kindergarten was traumatic, Grade 1 was exciting.....GRADE TWO IS HORRIFYING. As I was carrying sleeping Alex from my bed to his today, I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my passed out baby in my arms. I just kinda stood there for a minute staring at the image in the mirror, thinking about the face that before I know it, he is going to be too big for this. Hayden was a baby yesterday and all of a sudden he's an 80 pound giant sleeping on the the top bunk. My mental state is no where near stable enough to handle this emotion of distress. Deciding not to have any more children seems like the worst decision I ever made in my life. I don't want to have no babies anymore. I love babies. I love getting ecstatic over incredibly mediocre things like clapping and peeing in the toilet and "bubekah" (Alex's word for "I love you" and "ice cream"). I love snuggling and carrying my babies around and having sleep on my chest while I watch a movie. I love seeing them cry and hearing, "Mommy, ow".

Maybe its just Hayden scaring me. I keep trying desperately to convince myself that logical, intense, dramatic conversations, emotional maturity of a 40 year old woman, and super intelligence are normal for a 6 year old. Its a very challenging life, being Hayden's parent. I love him to death, am bursting with pride and wouldn't trade him for anyone, but if Alex is anything like his brother, I'm going to have a nervous break down in about 3 years.

Da Da Da De De Da

Sometimes I forget about wonderful things that I am fortunate enough to be able to enjoy, like Billy Joel, or elevators, or my parents' generosity. I never use the elevators at work, basically because its pointless as my office is on the mezzanine or whatever the fuck its called. But its nice to know that I can use the elevators, and go for a mysterious ride into vertical bliss.

♫ Sing us a song you're the piano man ♫

Its not that I'm depressed, or seeking attention, or some other psychological analyzation, but sometimes I wonder what my funeral would look like, or what would be written on the wall of my "RIP Casey" Facebook group. I'm sure you do. I'm sure lots of people want to know who would be sad that they were dead. Which random people you haven't spoken to in years would show up, or which random people in your life were secretly in love with you. I would love to know which people felt like shit for being assholes to me.

♫ Sing us a song tonight ♫
♫ Well we're all in the mood for a melody ♫

Watching my babies grow up is so bittersweet. A new bunk bed and separate playroom may seem awesome, but it just means they're becoming more independent every day, and before my very eyes are graduating and leaving me forever.

♫ And you've got us feelin' alright ♫

Today

Today I watched the series finale of Six Feet Under.

Today I saw a woman clipping her nails on the bus, and it took everything I had not to punch her in the face for being so disgusting.

Today I saw a man that looked like my Opa, and smiled at his grumpy face, thinking about my Opa's smile.

Today I went back to work after a week of strep throat induced holidays, and heard several times how much I was missed.

Today I had only 5 cigarettes.

Today I tucked my boys into their bunk beds, rubbed their backs and played with their hair until they fell asleep.

Today I ate watermelon.

Today I listened to a lot of Led Zeppelin and dreamed of what it would be like to be born in 1945, and grow up in that time.

Today I didn't have any Coke.

Today I looked at houses for sale in Saskatoon, and found some really great ones, and some really shitty ones, and some really expensive ones.

Today I woke up at 9 am.

Today I saw three people that I really, really missed.

Today my husband told me more times than I can remember, that he loved me.

Today I wrote a new entry on my blog.

Today I loved everyone who needed to be loved.

It was a nice day.