Tunes

I love music. I listen to a lot of different music. There are some songs that I will listen to once, and even though I like it, forget about it until several years later when I hear it on a commercial and yell, "Oh my god I love that song! I'm downloading it right now!", and then stick it on my iPod and listen to it a hundred times within 3 days...until I forget about it again. I love that about music. So memorable. It sticks to you, forever. Sometimes I will come across a song that will speak to me. Sometimes a song I've never heard before, sometimes a song I've heard a hundred times but never really listened to, or it just didn't really pertain to me at the time. Its rare that I'll hear a song in which EVERY word relates to me and my life. Sometimes its just a sentence, or a verse, or just the chorus. Today I decided to listen to Limp Bizkit. I was obsessed with them in highschool. I wanted to get their name tattooed on my back and marry Fred Durst, who looked exactly like Barrett Misiwich. I was enjoying the old memories, and singing along to every song when this one came along:

Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
Who witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down

But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged

It seems that you're not satisfied
There's too much on your mind
So you leave and I can't believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down

But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged

You're no good
For me
Thank God its over

You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
Cryin' on me
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
Dyin' on me!

You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
(You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me until its over and I won't be
the same)
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
Be the same

Just think about it
You'll get it

Thank you www.lyrics007.com!

Now, not every word matches my feelings, like anything relating to how "we're through" or whatever....but EVERYTHING else. I know this song was written about a girlfriend, or possibly a male friend, but to me, it was written about my mother. Christmas is only 5....4 days away and I'm terrified. The last time I talked to her was over a week ago, and it was terrible. I hung up the phone and cried and cried. I called Betty and she came to my rescue, but in a way, it makes it worse being with her when I'm having issues with Mother Dearest. She may understand how it is for me, but she won't back me up if it came to a Bold Defiance Fight. She requires us to bullshit through everything in order for everyone to be happy, and my brother and sister just aren't ready to stop bullshitting yet. If I decide that I don't want to be like that anymore, that means I'll be banished away forever, alone. Just me and my Landon family. So I don't know what to do. Do I say to my mom on Christmas Day, "I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did to make you hate me so much and I promise to never do it again..." or do I stand up and fight back to her and her delirium, all alone, while the rest of my family watch in astonishment as she tells nme how much of a failure I am to her? All the while ignoring their urges to stand up with me for fear of receiving the same treatment. Is it better to lie and bullshit so everyone is happy but me? Or to fight for what I fucking believe in? I fucking hate Christmas.