Woohoo Cancer

I surround myself with pop culture for some reason I can't really comprehend. I love TV and Music and Movies and gossip columns. I involve myself in some celebrities' lives so much that when something spectacular happens to them, I feel it. I recently learned that my dearest Dexter has Lymphoma. This blows so much. I really really have a lot of admiration for this man, so its really devastating to hear something like that. What sucks more though, is that his lymphoma is now in remission. My dad's isn't. My dad's never will be. Its not fair. Because he's a celebrity, he gets to live. I don't consciously think about it very often, but its always there, lurking in the back of my head, "one day closer to his death, one less day you have with him". When I learned that my dad was dying, I knew that this would somehow end up being all about my mother. She even said, within the first few days, no, hours, of the news becoming public, that we were to not forget that she was there. That the spouses always get left in the dark while the family mauls over the cancer stricken one. That she didn't want that to happen, that she was important too. There's been so many times since this happened that she's gone all crazy selfish and even on New Year's Day, said, "This is MY year! I'm not doing anything for anyone!" This is the hardest part of going through all this. I love my dad and feel so sad sometimes, but I'm so afraid to show it. I'm so afraid of her jealousy. I wish I could just go up to my mom and say, "I'm scared" and she would hug me and rub my back and whisper nice things to me while I cried and cried. I wish I could talk about how I feel about people other than her. I'm so lonely without her. I miss her so much and she doesn't even notice. Every time I see her I forget all the nasty ways she's treated me and tell her I love her and tell her I miss her and she just says, "Its not my fault that you don't come out here to see me." I hate what she's doing to me. I hate how no one else in my family will do anything. We all just sit here letting her do this. When my dad does die, we'll all probably be so terrified to show any affection that Landon will have to do the eulogy. I wish I could just be sad in peace. Mourn my father's health with pride. I hate how this is the only thing I ever talk about anymore. My mother. I shouldn't let her rule my life like this. I just can't type about anything else lately.