Say Crack Again

I found my high school art teacher's blog. Its entertaining that's for sure. Full of so much randomness though. Sometimes it has song lyrics, sometimes, short stories, and sometimes useless ramblings. Its weird because my teachers always had some sense of anonymity and I feel like I'm invading a part of him that he doesn't want anyone else to see. Aeh well. He shouldn't have a public blog then. I also learned of www.searchlightsandicebeams.worpress.com. You know I don't really do reviews, but this blog is incredible. There are four different authors (all male...maybe they should consider adding some estrogen) who are incredibly brilliant and incredibly creative. This is my favourite internet literature I have found to date. I highly HIGHLY recommend you take a look.

My Grandpa's funeral was very nice. Very emotional and sad, but nice. They had the Legion guys come and do their salute, and play that Rememberance Day music that always send chills down my spine. Like 8 little old men and 2 little old women shuffling up to my Grandpa's urn, standing as straight as they could, giving the only poppy they had on their overly decorated jackets to Gramps, and then shuffling back to their pew. It was beautiful.

The burial was extremely difficult. My Grandpa was cremated (because it's cheaper...silly old man) but his urn was placed in the earth beside my Grandma. My Grandma died when I was 4 from Leukemia. I didn't know her well, but from what I remember, she was an awesome lady. My dad and his sister, and their children, all stood their watching the little wooden boxed being dropped into the little square hole. The last time I saw my Grandpa was several years ago. Throughout the whole day, all I felt was guilt. I loved him, and I didn't know him as well as I should've. After my Grandpa's ashes were laid to rest, and the small crowd had dispersed somewhat, my dad came up to my brother, sister, and I, and seeing the utter sorrow in his face, I started to wonder how he felt, to lose his Mommy, and now his Daddy. He had no parents left. I started to think about how I was going to feel when I lost my Daddy. Then my dad said, "Its hard. Its hard to say goodbye. Its hard to say goodbye to your dad for the last time." I fucking lost it. I don't want to say goodbye to my dad for the last time. I don't want to. Its going to hurt. I don't want to never see him again. I don't want to never hug the only person I can hug with my face buried in their chest ever again. I don't want my Daddy to die. Right before we left for Martensville, and the whole family was together in my parents' kitchen, I commented on how the chemo was not making my dad lose his hair, even though the doctors said it most certainly would. My dad, very nonchalantly, said, "The stuff in the chemo that makes you lose your hair, ruined my heart instead" K what??? Why are you saying that horrible news so calmly? Why have you not mentioned this before? Why are you saying it so that only I, and by chance, Johnathan, hear you? Why are you telling me this RIGHT before we're leaving for your Dad's funeral? So that we can't talk about it? Dad, why the fuck do you have to do that all the time? Act like its no big deal? It IS a big deal! Did ten years just turn into ten months? Is this heart thing one of those deadly side affects of the chemo that you talked about in the beginning? Why is your Lymphoma such a taboo subject? Is it mom? Is she making you feel guilty for getting sick? Because she's making me feel guilty for caring that you're sick, so I can see her doing it to you too. Well its not fair dammit. I want to know! I want to know if I have less time with you than I originally thought.

My life as of this day, is the worst its ever been. It does seem to be getting easier though. Certainly not better. Maybe I just lost a lot of myself through this giant rough patch. I don't really feel a lot anymore. Not much more than pain and anger and hate anyway. Sometimes I imagine myself coming into money somehow, and just fucking off for a week, all by myself. The only reason I don't actively pursue this fantasy, is because I fear that after the week is up, I won't come back.