Like A G6, Like A G6

You know I've always been one to want to talk endlessly about my problems and seek advice from anyone who's willing to give it. I've been extremely privileged to have loads of people in my life willing to be my shoulder to cry on. I even have certain people for certain subjects....but this one, this ONE thing that I REALLY need to discuss....there is no shoulder. Not even you Blog. I've never had this feeling before where I'm lost and lonely and seeking desperately for someone I can talk to. I can't talk to anyone because the subject is extremely controversial and I will undoubtedly be judged and ridiculed. I can't imagine anyone going through life feeling this way, like there is no one there for them. It sucks! I just want to tell someone what's going on so they can tell me what to do. It could be the "hollywood" fantasy you know. The, "everything will work out, you just need to tell them how you feel" and then everyone's happy in the end fantasy. That will not happen. No one will be happy. Stupid human's and their stupid feelings. Ruin everything.

Everyone keeps dying. Like, people around me are all dropping like flies. I never knew anyone who died until I was like 18. Then people started dying like once a year, a couple times a year and now every other month. Soon its gonna be every other week. Soon I'm going to have to book my holidays around funerals. My work is beginning to think the "funeral" excuse is getting kind of old. My boss yesterday said, "What is with you and people dying all the time?" I don't fucking know. Leave me alone. He died from liver cancer. He was just diagnosed a few months ago. "Casey, don't think about it." Is your dad dying? Is your mother going crazy and seeking attention for her fucking osteoporosis as if its some life threatening disease like CANCER? Are you forced to ignore your dad's ailments whenever she walks in the room? Is your relationship with her a fucking joke? Everytime you're near her is it like a living, breathing, horrible nightmare of lies and false EVERYTHING? No? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP. My once perfect, tight knit, close, loving family is falling apart. The one thing I could always hold on to, and even brag about, is gone. "Yeah my family is super close, we all really love each other, I'm really lucky" Bullshit. Even my sister is distant (in her defense, she's pretty fucking busy all the time). And my brother is an asshole. I don't have anyone left and they ARE STILL ALIVE. At this point I am really jealous of anyone who grew up with a fucked up family. At least it couldn't get any worse. At least you weren't teased with love and respect. At least your mother always hated you, didn't just start randomly because you decided to start thinking for yourself. I'm still a kid you know, I'm still your child, even if I'm 27. I still need my mommy. I still need you to treat me like you treat my kids. I hate bringing my kids to you so you can be excited and hug them genuinely and tell them how proud you are of them while I just sit there wondering where exactly I fucked up so I could fix it and have you love me again.

Okay so that mother rant was really not intentional....oops. No that is not the controversial subject I was talking about. You should know that. I've ranted about her several times. I'm fucking tired as hell.