You Fucker

I have decided that it is time to write something. I haven't been talking much lately and therefore haven't expressed myself and the need to do so is starting to overwhelm my every thought. Nicole lately has been my rock and my source of everything I need. I know that I have very wonderful, very perfect others in my life, but Nicole has something that I can't quite explain. Maybe time, maybe listening skills, maybe just the right words, maybe the jokes, maybe the hugs and the I love yous. I get those from others but Nicole has it all, every day. Thank you. I love you more than you could ever understand.

Today I am heartbroken and depressed. I am missing a part of myself that I believe I will never get back. Everyone keeps saying that he's up in Heaven, dancing away with his dead daughters and wife, and that I should be happy for him. Well I am not happy and I will not be. Its not that I refuse to be, its that I can't be. I've tried, but it doesn't work. I'm selfish and I'm pissed off and I just want him to come back. I don't want to hear things typically said to someone experiencing grief. I want you to say, "this fucking blows!" Because it does fucking blow. I was not ready for him to leave.

I've written about this before, not on here, but somewhere else I can't remember....preparation for death. Growing up with someone who constantly danced inches away from the Grim Reaper, taught me to always prepare for the worst, so I was never surprised. I've imagined scenarios of when my loved ones pass, how I will react, how I will feel, how others will feel, what I will say, what I will write about in their eulogy... Every last detail so that I will not be surprised, so I will not have to feel how I feel today. I did not prepare for this one. Yes he was 80, yes he lived a fantastic life, yes he did everything he wanted to and then some, and yes he was sicker than hell and medically probably shouldn't have even lasted this long but I was convinced that it was not his time. I am still convinced that it was not his time. I love my Opa and he meant a lot to me. For him to be ripped from my life in an instant has brought to a mental state that I've never experienced, and I'm really not sure if I will ever be back to myself. When he left, he took a part of me, and I will never get that back. When my Auntie died, it hurt, but I was prepared. I was ready. She didn't take as big of a piece of my heart as my Opa did. My Opa had a relationship with me like no one else. He was a very respectable man and everyone around him knew that. I was the only one who could get away with treating him like I did, because he knew it was out of love. I was very proud, and liked to show it off often, how I could make fun of him, and my mother's mouth would drop, and my Opa's eyes would twinkle. He never once looked at me without a smile. He never once went a conversation without telling me he loved me. He never once made me feel like I was any less important than his own daughters. He was the greatest grandfather I could ever has asked for and NOW HE IS GONE! I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN! I WILL NEVER HAVE HIM BACK. I WILL NEVER HEAR HIM SAY I LOVE YOU TOO DEAR IN HIS GERMAN ACCENT AND I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE ABLE TO HUG HIM AGAIN! I don't want to stop crying and I don't want to ever forget him.

I hope everyone I know dies before me so the people I love will never have to feel this pain.