I Wear My Sunglasses

I wish that I could just not feel, for even just an hour. Just be so numb and withdrawn that nothing matters in any way. The way it is now is horrible. I hate my emotions. I hate my introspection. I hate being an asshole. I hate being selfish. I wish I could just go back to the way things were when I was sane and normal and didn't notice things that fucked me up the way they do. Didn't act on my impulses that make me crazy. Didn't start drinking. Didn't grow up. I should've run away from my parents. I should've not married Landon. I should've given Hayden up for adoption before I decided to keep him. I'm not meant to me a mother. I'm not meant to be a wife. All I do is drag people into my fucked up life and destroy them. Break them apart and kill who they could have been if they hadn't met me. I can't help but feeling that I am responsible for his death. Because he was in love with me and I couldn't be his one. You shouldn't have told me that. You shouldn't have convinced me that it was true. And you shouldn't have made me feel guilty! My insecurities are overwhelming me. I need constant reassurance that I am worth something to you. I've never felt so frustrated in my entire life. I've never felt like I just want to escape and never ever EVER FUCKING COME BACK! I CAN'T TAKE THE TRAUMA. I CAN'T TAKE THE PAIN. I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE. I'm going to explode.