The Truth.

Hello. It's been quite some time since we last spoke. I hope you are doing well.

Oh my god that is so much better. I just took a quick break after typing that last sentence to fix my keyboard so it would be angled up slightly instead of flat on the desk. I could never use a laptop comfortably.

Prologue

I wanted to take a quick second to introduce the following post. It's very long, so don't begin reading if you're short on time. More importantly though, the following post is full of a lot of drama. Very controversial subject matter and I am going to show you parts of myself that I rarely let out. The deepest and darkest parts of my soul. I only ask that as you read, you keep an open, empathetic, and logical mind. I would selfishly hope that afterwards, you still love me. Thank you.

Landon and I met in late December 2002. I was dating someone at the time but had tried on numerous occasions to end the relationship. After meeting Landon, I decided that I finally had the strength to end it once and for all. On New Year's Eve, I attended a party with Landon and at the stroke of 12, kissed him and asked him to be my boyfriend. He said yes :)

About three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 years old. Hooray.

Landon and I went through a lot that first year. We somehow managed to stay together and on November 3rd 2003, my perfect Hayden was born.

When Hayden was a little less than a year old, I started drinking a lot. And partying. And being overall retarded. By the time Hayden was two I was a total alcoholic. I had drunk myself into a slutty and irresponsible stupor. I still have no idea why Landon stuck around.

I quit drinking on January 1st 2006 and stayed sober for 5 and a half years...ish. The moment where it finally clicked was when I slept with a 15 year old boy. I was 22. I don't remember much of that incident, but that's not important. It happened, and I'm a terrible person for it. Currently, I don't drink anymore. Those few weeks where I did again were enough for me to learn and accept that it's not something healthy for me and my life.

In October 2008, my perfect son Alexander was born. My family was complete.

In May 2009, Landon and I were married.

When my Opa died in 2010, something inside me changed. I began to slowly let the darkness inside of me take over. When Matt died almost a year later, it was too much for me. I fell into a deep, lightless depression.

And you've read about all of that stuff. I haven't told you though, about the actions I have taken to destroy my family and friends. That's what this post will be.

As the light dwindled, so did my sanity, respect, and faithfulness. I cheated on Landon, with two people. At point, I was in a sexual relationship with three different people and the same time. During this time, I lied to everyone around me, including myself. I told myself that what I was doing was justified, as I had every right to be happy. I convinced myself and everyone else that this was appropriate behaviour. I neglected my old friends, my family, my children, my responsibilities and my health. I have struggled with depression (not that this is an excuse) since I was a teenager. I have argued with myself about so many things. Basic things. Easy things. Like love, hunger, fatigue, friendship, life. When I'm being overtaken by negativity, breathing requires focus. My mind is a Jackson Pollock painting. Several Jackson Pollock paintings.

At this exact moment, I am optimistic. After being confronted for the hundredth time about my indiscretions, I finally admitted to Landon the truth. It took several more attempts for him to get the entire truth out of me, but he did it. I could never explain how relieving, yet shameful, it felt. For the first time in my entire 9 years with Landon, I am 100% sure that he is my soul mate. There will never be another who would accept me for what a disaster I am, and love me enough to want to help me. I am in desperate need of repair, and I know that. For sure. It is taking a lot of time and a lot of effort and I am still learning on an hourly basis to stop lying, but it's totally worth it. I will be fine. It will be okay. It does get better.

I could never apologize enough to Landon and my children and everyone else around me for what I have done, but I will keep trying. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to them. I will do everything in my power to become a healthy, loving, respectful and honest human being. To become someone that is worthy of a life. To become someone who will be impactful and inspiring. Landon deserves a good wife and mother for his children, and he wants me to be that. I could never have a better honour.

Epilogue

I don't expect anything from you, other than to know that you have been there for me this entire time, reading and following. I love you for that, and thank you tremendously. There were a few times where you were the only thing that kept me alive. "I need them to know that it gets better," I would say. I love you. Immensely.