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I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't really felt like it. I haven't really felt like doing anything lately. I hurt my back somehow a little over a week ago, and ever since, its been in constant pain. I've never had back pain like this before. It NEVER goes away. EVER! Sometimes its worse. Advil and Tylenol don't help, and when I take Robaxacet, I get all loopy so I can't take that until bed time. Because it hurts so much, I can't clean or cook very well, I can't sleep well, I can't shower or bath well, I can't do anything well. So because I'm a big bum lately, I'm getting really depressed about how wonderful of a mother I am. Not to mention the other stresses I have to deal with on a daily basis. I've faced the sad reality that I have to go back to work. I'm going to work evenings because I don't want to work full time days, and no one will give me the hours I want. I have to get a babysitter now. Someone I trust to come into my home every day and stay with my kids for a couple hours. I'll see Hayden for a half hour before he goes to school, for an hour after school, and if I'm lucky, a little bit before he goes to bed. That thought alone depresses me so much. But at least I'll be able to spend as much time as I can with Alex during the day. And, my kids will only be away from their parents for a couple hours, apart from school anyway. So when I try to think about my kids, and that I'm doing this for them.....well it doesn't make me feel any better at all actually. I'm really REALLY upset. But the fact is, we have no money. I can't afford to buy a cake for my baby's first birthday, let alone a present. And Hayden's is only a month after that, and there's Halloween costumes too. Neither of my kids have one that'll fit them. And then, Christmas. Fucking Christmas. If I was a selfish asshole, I wouldn't care. But I'm not a selfish asshole. And EVERY FUCKING YEAR I wish I had more money for Christmas. I want to buy everyone I know something special. I want to show people how much I love them with material objects. I HATE Marketlinc. I hate sitting in a chair type type typing, listening to customers bitch and wine and ask for discounts, listening to my co-workers wine and complain about how awful their single, childless lives are, listening to them demean each other behind everyone's backs, wondering if they're saying shit about me, then not caring. I hate the drama, the boredom, the Top 40's radio station or sometimes, if we're lucky, hip-hop. I hate the "Sell Casey, sell sell sell!!!!" I hate the pressure, the lack of exercise, the fact that everyone that I did love there is now gone and I have to go back to a bunch of foreign people to honestly, don't know what the fuck they're doing, or stupid teenagers who think they're so cool because they're salesmen, or the worst, university students. I need to do it for my kids, for my family. I need to keep telling myself that its only temporary, until I can get my dream job as a Superstore cashier. The best part is that when I'm working, during a slow time when no one's really talking, I just think. I think about what I'm doing in a dead end job when I'm 26. I think about how my kids are gonna look at me when they're older. When their friends ask, "What do your parents do?" I think about how embarrassed they'll be. Then I think that they don't realize how much I've sacrificed for them. Then I think about my mother. Then I think, when my kids are older, they'll understand. Then I think about how much I love them, and I'd rather work in a shitty office all day rather than risking my life, or overworking just to fulfill my own career dreams. I want to be a police officer so bad, and every time I see one I feel some sort of loss, but I need to keep thinking about my boys, and that nothing is more important than them. Not even me.